Failing Slightly Better

Quote of the Day: Charles M. Schulz

2011-10-16T12:46:00.000-07:00

"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love."

Stacey and I are celebrating our second anniversary tomorrow and that quote illustrates how she feels about my name choices for our future son.

We went to a European themed cafe on Capitol Hill yesterday for dinner to commemerate our honeymoon to Europe. The place provided a pretty authentic experience - right down to the room-temperature drinking water and my horrible faux-pas of asking for a diet coke. The guy serenading the room with slowed down Jeff Buckley songs on his guitar was the only false note.

Overall, it was a good evening if we did have to go to an American chain to get some real dessert with real American portions. Pears are not dessert.

Quote of the Day: Theodore Roosevelt

2011-10-09T15:18:00.000-07:00

"Don't hit at all if it is honorably possible to avoid hitting; but never hit soft."

The other day I managed to kick a car, endure the owner getting in my face, and still maintain my flawless record of never having been in a fight. (See here for more details on my accidental pacifism.)

There's an intersection I have to cross every day on my way to work that acts as an off-ramp for I-5. It also connects First Hill with Downtown and I swear I'm going to die there. I got lightly nudged there a few months ago by a Terminix truck. So anyway, I almost got hit there again while I was crossing when the white man on the flashing "walk sign" said I was supposed to.

I had to jump back on the sidewalk to avoid being hit by a guy in a fairly nice car making a right turn so I lightly tapped the door panel with my foot. You know, the door panel that almost took my kneecaps off? It probably wasn't my smartest move but I was strategic about the kick - just hard enough to make him pay attention but not hard enough to cause damage.

Well, he didn't like that one bit so he turned around and stopped in the middle of the road when he was parallel to me. (It's strange that there was no one else around during this whole incident. Seattle has a very post-apocalyptic vibe to it at 5:30 in the morning.) He yells,"Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

"Going to work."

"Did you kick my car?"

"Did you almost run me over? Sorry, I get a little emotional when I almost die."

"Stop walking or I'll call the cops."

"Good. I'm sure they'd love to hear that you don't know what a red light means."

"You little punk, you just better there's no damage." He got out to check and discovered there wasn't. All I really noticed about him was that he was not too big and he was wearing his nametag around his neck and that he needed a shave.

"You better hope you don't run anybody over."

He ran over to the sidewalk and got in my face. "It's a free right on red."

"Not when the sign tells me to walk."

"It wasn't on."

"Yes, it was. You need to pay attention."

"Don't kick my car."

"Fine. I won't kick your car and you won't try to run me over." At this point it was clear that neither one of us wanted to fight. We were just a couple of desk jockeys with big mouths." "Sounds like we have a deal then," I said as he walked back to his car.

True, I shouldn't have given his car a love pat but I bet he pays attention next time. It's tough out here for a pedestrian. We're the forgotten collateral damage of Car-Bike war.

Quote of the Day: George Bernard Shaw

2011-09-11T16:09:00.000-07:00

"The rational man adapts himself to the world. The irrational man tries to adapt the world to suit himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the irrational man."

I did something weird to my ankle so now I can't use it without an intense stabbing pain shooting through it. It got so bad that I had to give up my daily walk. I have gone from walking 4-7 miles away to walking Zero and it's driving me crazy. I swear I can feel my fat cells making room as we speak. Like Charles Dickens, I need long, violent-paced walks to keep me sane.

Maybe I'm a bad person but I take an irrational and disproportional joy when I see restaurants with bad customer service go out of business. If you're located in the business district and your only response at noon when a customer walks in is to look at them like they're idiots and say, "What do you want? We can't make anything today, too many people called off," I don't think you're very serious about being a profitable enterprise. Likewise, if it's noon on a Saturday and you tell customers you're not open that day even though you're all just sitting there and the sign says Open, you're probably not going to be the Bill Gates of African restaurants in the Greater Seattle Area. It looks like we'll be trying our luck again this week at an Ethiopian place that thinks posting "Hours 4PM-11PM" on both your website and door means that people should know you don't open until 6PM if you even decide to open at all.

I have been wrestling with a philosophical question: Is it wrong to steal a private citizen's traffic cone? Let's just say, hypothetically, that this guy drives a huge company truck and parks it in front of your house everyday instead of his own so that you can't see when you're trying to back out of the driveway. Let's also say he puts a cone out behind his truck so people will think he is on official business. I don't think it'd be wrong to take because my understanding is that you have to be a public official of some kind to endow the cone with any validity. I know because my friends and I used to block off roads as pranks and people did not like it one bit. I'll let you know what my "friend" decides to do.

Remember the new car we bought about six months ago? Well, we got into an accident and now we can't open the passenger door. The only silver lining is that it wasn't my fault. Believe it or not, despite being called a "bad driver who daydreams too much," I have never been cited for any of the accidents I've been in. It's always been the other guy's fault. You can't argue with numbers like that.

That's it today. As you can see, I am a little agitated because of the no exercise thing.

Quote of the Day; Napolean Bonaparte

2011-08-31T18:44:00.000-07:00

“The battlefield is a scene of constant chaos. The winner will be the one who controls that chaos, both his own and the enemies.”

Control the chaos and win the contest to help us name our firstborn that is scheduled to take this planet by storm on March 12th (ish).

Enter your name choice below. Right now, the rules are it has to come from Shakespeare, the Bible, or be found in the lineage of Medieval European Royalty. Stacey has other ideas like that it won't get our kid swirlied every day.

Quote of the Day: W. Earl Hall

2011-06-05T17:59:00.001-07:00

“Science has never drummed up quite as effective a tranquilizing agent as a sunny spring day.”

I have not abandoned this blog. I am just lazy.

Quote of the Day: Anton Chekhov

2011-05-08T15:36:00.000-07:00

"A good upbringing means not that you won't spill sauce on the tablecloth, but that you won't notice it when someone else does."

(I am writing this very quickly so please feel free to point out any errors.)

I want to to thank my mother today for giving me a good upbringing.

Sorry, I haven't blogged a whole lot lately. Things have been kind of hectic. Life got stressful on all fronts. Work is all-consuming in a good way, homeownership is more expensive than I thought it would be, buying cars is a hassle, and I had the worst birthday of my life and that's counting the one where my roommate told me and another roommate that we were "undateable." (I won't go into why here.)

There is a situation at work that bears watching. We are moving offices because we are growing so fast. The problem is our new office might be for away from where I buy my Diet Mountain Dew every morning. I volunteered to be on the committee so I can be the master ot my own fate. We are at Defcon Five on this thing.

Am I the only ones who obessesese about getting defriended on Facebook? I know it probably bothers everybody but I focus on it so much that I eventually figure out who defriended me. I have a list of offenders. I am not sure why it bothers me so much because most of the people I would have defriended first if I did that sort of thing. I guess I like to think I am entertaining enough to keep everyone tuned in. I mean, is something I say so offensive that it's worthy of skipping the hiding option and moving straight onto defriending? I would just like to know why because I hate not knowing stuff. I understand why two single girls defriended me the week I got married, because I was no longer useful in their quest to meet guys. Other's motives are not so clear. I just hope if I run into them in real life, I don't ask them why but there is a good chance I might. (I am real tempted to name them in this post but I know there friends are among my readers so I will refrain.) Yeah, I am a little neurotic. I am also the same guy who couldn't sleep until he heard the real reason for every romantic rejection.

I have been thinking about human relationships and tribes a lot lately thanks to one of my favorite TV shows - Justified. It's about a modern day US Marshal who acts and dresses like a nineteenth century lawman who has to go back his hometown of Harlan, Kentucky because he got in trouble over an itchy trigger finger. (Harlan is famous for fueding redneck families, poverty, and a high homicide rate. It still has those all things too, only now it's meth instead of moonshine.) Anyway, throughout the show we learn that he acts like that because he used to watch old westerns while he as hiding out at his aunt's house to get away from his abusive criminal father. We also learn that no matter what he does he can't escape the ties of family, kin, and clan. In some ways that is a comforting thought. There are many tribes I consider myself a member of. There are relationships I forged in the heat of the battle of life that will never be destroyed. Even though I no longer see those people everyday, I am enough of romantic - in the old knightly sense of the word not the modern sexual sense - to think that if I saw them again we would take up right where we left off and that if I ever needed to gather together people for an epic battle they would be among the first to answer my call. I may be wrong but as Hemingway once wrote, "It's pretty to think so isn't it?"

I do hope and think it's possible for relationships to evolve without disintegrating.

Have a good week.

Quote of the Day: Oscar Wilde

2011-04-24T12:51:00.000-07:00

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

Forgive me for not blogging more.

Quote of the Day: Jack Kerouac

2011-03-19T15:48:00.000-07:00

"Great things are not accomplished by those who yield to trends and fads and popular opinion."

I honestly cannot believe people in this country are freaking out about radioactive contamination. People are actually buying Geiger counters and everything. As if we'd ever be cool enough to have our own Godzilla. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It's this lack of stoicism that makes me convinced we'd tear this country apart if we are ever visited with anything as devastating as that Tsunami.

I am enjoying the Seattle sunshine today even though I am doing exactly what I would have done on a rainy afternoon: reading and writing stuff inside. I did enjoy not wearing waterlogged shoes all day because I'd gotten drenched during my morning walk like I have every day for the past two weeks.

A couple weeks ago it was brought to my attention that one of the kids in my primary class suffers from anxiety that is aggravated by having to sit next to a certain kid. I was very sympathetic because I realized that's the same effect a certain guy on the bus has on me. The brief moment that exists between him getting on the bus and deciding where to sit is full of dread. I really can't explain completey why I don't like him so much. Everyone else seems to love him so there must really be something wrong with me. I think it has to do with how he tries to make the bus a social experience. He talks non-stop and the few times I have turned my iPod off to listen to him it's either been a rant about George W. Bush or the bosses at his job who "ride his ass." He paints houses for a living and I think that has a lot to do with why people like him so much. I think the middle\upper-middle class yuppies I ride the bus with like the idea of being friends with a "salt-of-the-earth" type who works with his hands and actually has a physical product to show for his work at the end of his day. He knows I don't like him because one time I scooted away from him on the bus and he told the guy next to him, "that guys thinks he's too good for me." No, this guy just has a different concept of personal space. He likes to touch people too much - he even leans on people as he walks to his seat. My wife is the only person who is allowed to put her arm behind me on my seat.

It bothers me that I have such a visceral reaction to this guy so I am trying to work on it. I need to be a nice person. I'll never be friends with him for the simple reason that after a day of trying to talk to people who don't want to talk me I have no conversation left.

So my two resolutions this week are to be a nicer person and blog more.

Quote of the Day: Marcel Proust

2011-03-13T17:39:00.000-07:00

"Everything great in the world comes from neurotics. They alone have founded our religions and composed our masterpieces."

I'll let the quote stand by itself other than to say that many traits that are strengths in one aspect of life can be weakness in others. For instance, what is the difference between being dedicated and stubborn? How about focused and obsessed? It's all a matter of perspective.

It's really raining here today in Seattle. It's the type of deluge that makes one want to repent rather quickly.

Yesterday, while doing my duty as a married member of the Mormon church by shopping at Costco, I saw a guy who appeared to be confused as to what country he was in. He seemed to be under the assumption that the free-samples regime operated under some type of barter economy. He approached a woman who was just pulling a couple mini-pizzas out of a tiny oven.

He said, "Can I have a whole one?"

"No, I have to cut them up."

"I want a whole one."

"Sorry."

"Hold on a second," he said as he walked back to his cart. "What if I trade you one of these?" He held up a brand new unopened Gogurt - the real stuff.

"I'm sorry. I can't."

"But it's a full one."

"There giving those away as a free sample in the next aisle anyway." The man said nothing in response to that as he gave up his quest and walked back to his cart dejected. I swore I saw revenge in his eyes.

Sometimes neurotics do great things and sometimes they just annoy the poor sample girl. I try to stay on the great things side of the line as much as a can but sometimes I fear I annoy life's symbolic sample girls too much.

Quote of the Day: Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

2011-02-27T16:48:00.000-08:00

“If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?"

Luckily you can do that with rats. It's turns out the aptly named Roof Rat is climbing up onto our roof and crawling in through an opening in our attic that the contractor accidentally created when they put on the new roof we requested they put on before we moved in. The rats have never made it into our house because they are quite happy in the attic warming themselves and breeding. So basically, the rats are using our house as a hostel/swingers club.

We hired an exterminator to take care of them so hopefully we will be rat free in a month or so. Before I learned so much about rats I had just assumed there was someone you could call that would find and kill any unwanted pests in your house on the spot. I also assumed this person would be a very limited actor with an Austrian accent. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Like most things in life rat removal is a process with very little fireworks and much drudgery. But like life it should pay off in the end.

PS
It has been a very rough week and I am glad that our rodent problem is one problem that has an easy solution.

Quote of the Day: Jeff Giles of Newsweek

2011-02-13T16:25:00.000-08:00

"Grunge is what happens when children of divorce get their hands on guitars."

I've been conducting a little personal grunge revival this month because there's no better tonic than a little depressing music to get you through a long gray Northwest winter without losing your sanity. If it's hard-rocking and was recorded in Seattle between 1985 and 1995 there is a good chance it's on my iPhone. I am not just talking about the old standbys like Pearl Jam, Screaming Trees, Nirvana, Alice in Chains, and Soundgarden but also the obscure stuff I wish I'd known about sooner like Mudhoney, Green River, the Melvins, Tad, Love Battery, Gruntruck, U-Men, and Skin Yard. I promise that's the last of the music talk today since I know it probaby interests less than one percent of my ever dwindling readership.

When I interviewed for my current job a few months ago, my CEO said, "This will be the hardest three to six months of your professional career. Are you mentally ready for that?" Of course, I said yes. Turns out he wasn't lying but neither was I. Working for a start-up in a new role is fun because you get to invent the job from scratch. Sometimes, working for a start-up in a new role is fun because you get to invent the job from scratch. It's been challenging but I have done well and I think we are turning the corner as a company even if some weeks - like the last one - make you want to jump out a window. I not only made it through, but I did it without kicking a single puppy or binge eating even once to make myself feel better. I also totally rocked a company presentation last week at our quarterly meeting.

One thing that helps get me through the day are the crazy inbound and outbound calls I deal with. Since we are too small for a receptionist every call is routed to the inside sales department which consists solely of me. This guy with a very abrasive east coast accent called up the other day and said, "Can I talk to your CEO?"

"He's not here and he is pretty busy."

"Well, I have some clients who want to use your solution and I have a question about it."

"Great, I am on the inside sales team. Why don't you tell me a little bit about it."

"No offense but you are not qualified to handle this."

"I do this every day."

"Just get me your CEO. There's a lot of money involved."

"Well if the deal warrants it I can get our EVP of Sales involved."

"Not good enough. How many people do you have there? Is your company really that big that he doesn't have the time to call me back?"

"Well, I handle the sales process for him and our EVP of Sales handles pricing for him."

"You know what, I bet you guys can't even handle my business. Either that or your CEO just doesn't care. If he did he would have called me back by now."

Guess who we are not doing business with?

I think it was a scam anyway because I looked him up on LinkedIn and he works at some rinky-dink two person company. By the way, for those of you coming here for sales tips, here's one: Insulting people is not a best practice to win their business.

I was also the annoying sales guy myself last month. I had been calling this guy at one of the largest companies in our target industry when John Doe finally said, "You know I looked at your information a little more and I think Jane Does would be your best contact. I'll give you her number and e-mail. Tell her I sent you." I did and we set up a call.

Things went downhill from there.

When I finally got her on the phone she said, "John says he doesn't know you. This sounds like a scam."

So I left a message for John and sent him an e-mail asking him to vouch for me with her CC'ed on it. He replied back a week later without CC'ing her on it and wrote, "I told you to talk to Jane, not me." I replied back that it would be helpful if he would talk to Jane again.

I talked to Jane again and she said that once again John said he had no idea who I was. I got a little frustrated so I forwarded her all our e-mail correspondence as proof and she said "all this e-mailing is making me uncomfortable" as if I was pretending to be a Nigerian prince or something. She said she would only talk to me if John was on the call too.

I emailed John once again asking for his help and this time he replied back so she could see too. He wrote, "Collin, I have already told you we are not interested in your solution."

Your guess is as good as mine.

That's it for today. I promise I will have more posts soon and they may actually be exciting next time. For instance, our bathroom remodel is almost done.

Quote of the Day: Freidric Nietzsche

2011-01-23T14:20:00.000-08:00

"Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent."

If there is one subject I am well acquainted with it is "women." I was raised by one, grew up with too many to count, made friends with several, worked with many, lusted and chased after a few, had my heart broken by a couple, broke a few of their hearts myself, dated a few, and eventually married one. I must be a slow learner because even with all that exposure it took me almost thirty-two years to realize just how unfair life is to the female of the species.

It's sad but true but so much of woman's place in life and personal happiness can be directly traced back to the man she chooses to attempt to romantically attach herself to. (No, the purpose of this post is not to say that all the chicks who turned me down made a huge mistake. I mean it's true but that's not my point today.) Lately, I have just noticed that all the women I know have very different lives because they either married or want to marry very different types of men. So much can be explained by the men in their lives that it's really quite disturbing: geographical location, household income, social circles, religion (sometimes), emotional health, number of children, career paths, and almost anything else you can think of. Obviously, I am generalizing here but I think my observation holds true a majority of the time. I don't care where you fall on the independent\feminist scale either. I know plenty of smart, successful, "liberated" women who yoke themselves to misery by having and indulging a horrible taste in men. The whole thing is really not fair.

Man, I hope I never have daughters because that's too much responsibility. Now I know why men are so worried about what kind of men their daughters end up marrying. If I ever do have one, I will buy a shotgun for the sole purpose of cleaning it at opportune moments.

Anyway, it's just something I have been thinking about lately and I also thought it would be fun to herald my return to blogging with a controversial post.

On a related note, I am not too sure I am happy with being a man either this weekend because it means I feel responsible for ridding our house of the pestilence that has invaded it. We have a mouse living in the walls of our house right next to our bed. The good thing is it's only one and he hasn't gotten into our food yet. The bad thing is we can't get to him because he lives inside the wall itself and we can't find his hole. We can't put poison in the wall because then we would have to deal with a corpse. (We are not messing around with any non-lethal options because I learned my wife is not a rodent fan - to put it mildy.) We have put traps all over the place to no avail. Stacey finally just came up with a plan that's just crazy enough to work. We are going to took off the faceplate of one of the electrical sockets in our spare bedroom, shut the door, put food and traps all over the place, and wait.

Quote of the Day: Jim Rohn

2011-01-02T17:11:00.000-08:00

“Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time.”

I know a major question on your mind as we start the new year is: Why doesn't Collin blog more? A lack of time, pure and simple. I had been pretty faithful up until three months ago when I changed jobs. I even kept it going through my courtship, engagement, and first year of marriage. I was proud of myself for not being one of those people who stops blogging or interacting online with the rest of the world when they get into a serious relationship. (You know who you are, and yes, I am looking right at you.)

My last job gave me a lot of freedom to do things like take long lunch breaks because I could be the top performer in my department without taxing my mind too much. Although I was making very good money, that got old after a while so I bailed when I was told that the management position I had been groomed to take over for the past year no longer existed due to the financial state of the company.

My new job is a lot of work and it challenges my mind everyday which is why I chose it in the the first place. Unfortunately, I am so worn out sometimes that I have had to let my fiction slide - let alone my blogging - and anyone who know me wells knows how important my fiction is. I would like to say my New Year's Resolution is to blog more but I don't like to lie when my lies can be be fact-checked so easily. I do have some longer posts coming up but tonight the following digest will have to suffice.

I am so glad the holiday season is over. I love my routine and the holidays are all about breaking up your routine. Well, I find my rut quite pleasant, thank you very much.

I did enjoy the part of the holidays where I got to eat junk food and see old friends I wished lived this Seasonally Affected City. (You also know who you are.)

My real New Years Resolution is to lose these pesky extra 20 LBS. Anything more than that will require cosmetic surgery to remove my excess skin. Turns out the body is not meant to get up to 408 LBS and then back down t0 223 LBS. It stretches out the skin a bit. (I guess gaining the additional 185 pounds is the real problem not the losing of it.)

We got a new Primary class today. I think it should be easier to handle than last year's because they are mostly boys. Boys may be rowdy but they are pack animals so all you have to do to get them to obey is establish your dominance as the alpha male. Girls, to say the least, are a little more complicated.

When did I become bad at making and keeping friends?* Stacey and I helped the only couple we met and became friends with after we got married move out of town this weekend so now we are back to square one. I am not sure what happened but I swear I used to have friends. I'm not saying I was Zack Morris or anything but I used to get invited places and I always had people to hang out all throughout my twenties but not anymore. (For instance, Stacey and I would have had nothing to do on New Year's Eve if the power-that-be hadn't asked us to chaperon the youth dance.) We are just not good at making friends with other couples and I never hear anything from my single friends anymore.** Maybe we need to be more proactive now that we are married. Being charming used to be enough but I guess now I need to plan things or something. I assume the single friends who still remember me must think we are too busy being "doing married stuff" to want to enjoy their company now and then. Stacey and I entertain each other quite well most of the time but sometimes a little variety is nice. Maybe I should throw a birthday party next month. I'll bring cheese and let you tour my house. Come on, it'll be fun.

*I am not broken up about this. I just find it to be an interesting development, I am sure a lot of it is due to us not quite adjusting to a family ward (congregation) after being in singles wards for nearly ten years. Don't worry, people still think I am witty and charming. They just don't care.

**This doesn't apply to all my single friends. Some still invite us places and I need to return the favor soon. I also realize there are some people I dropped the ball with that I need to get back in touch with.

Quote of the Day: Friedrich Nietzsche

2010-12-11T19:34:00.000-08:00

"I love those who do not know how to live for today."

When I was a teenager I used to like to cause trouble by doing things the legal codes the State of Washington likes to define as "malicious mischief." (Sorry, no details because I know both parental units read this blog.) Now I mostly like to cause it with my words both of the written and oral variety. This week though I accidentally kicked it old-school and as a result I can never show my face in the Edmonds McDonald's ever again which is all right because I have been there exactly once in my life. (I despise McDonald's. I will never eat a hamburger from there, even if I am starving. It's blasphemy to call those things by that name.)

Last Monday, Stacey and I decided to hit the drive-thru for some kind of sugary treat because it had been that kind of a day. Stacey got an ice cream cone and I ordered a caramel frappe. I was under the impression it would not have coffee in it because when you order that drink at Starbucks it does not contain coffee. I was cool with that because I don't drink coffee. Anyway, my drink had a distinct coffee taste so I went in to complain after determining that it did indeed have coffee.

The manager was less than sympathetic to my plight. He said, "You ordered that."

"I know but I did not know it had coffee in it."

"Well it does. It comes with coffee."

"Could I have one without coffee then?"

"No, you ordered it, sir."

"I don't want the coffee."

"Well, the mix comes with coffee, sir."

"Really?" (I am still confused why there is a mocha caramel frappe and a caramel frappe if they both contain coffee.) Can I get my money back or exchange it?" At this point I was just trying to save face. He was very smug and it had been a long day.

"You can buy a hot chocolate. It has chocolate in it."

"Thanks for your help," I said as I walked off.

On the way out, I went to throw my frappe away in the garbage but I missed. Turns out the can had one of those really small openings and frappe went everywhere. All over me, all over the floor, all over the door, the tables of innocent bystanders, and back on the counter.

You know how in old Westerns the bar gets real quiet before the gunfight starts? That's how it felt. With everyone staring at me like that it was clearly the calm before the storm. I inched my way towards the door but thought better of running once I got there so I turned around and said, "That was an accident. Sorry." I made a move towards the counter and the manager turned his back on me while everyone else bore holes through my head with their dagger eyes.

So anyway, my primitive reptile brain kicked in and I hightailed it out of there. I jumped into the car and said, "Go before the cops get here. I can never go back there." I almost expected my friends from high school to be there instead of my wife. Stacey just laughed and said no one was calling the cops for something that silly.

She sounded like she knew what she was talking about but that didn't stop me from singing Rage Against the Machine to myself as I lay in bed wondering how the next day was going to go down. Where the cops going to get me before someone recognized the company logo on my jacket and e-mailed my CEO?

Five days later, it's clear she was right and no one really cared about something so petty. That was good news to my adult self but my teenage self is a little sad that all the stuff I did with my friends in high school wasn't as hardcore as I thought it was. I bet no one even called the cops on us once. Sad.

Quote of the Day: JG Ballard

2010-12-05T19:01:00.001-08:00

"The marriage of reason and nightmare which has dominated the 20th century has given birth to an ever more ambiguous world. Across the communications landscape move the specters of sinister technologies and the dreams that money can buy."

Yeah, I am not very good at this blogging thing. There's a lot going on with my new job and my personal life which has consisted mostly of learning how to file a homeowner's claim after living in my house for only five months.

Anyway, a lot has happened in the past two months. I know I promised a long time ago to tell you about the horrible customer service experience of our anniversary weekend so here goes.

We stayed at the Roosevelt in Seattle where the toilet broke, the front desk attendant told me I was welcome to go to another hotel if I wanted the upgrade my package came with and that he already gave my wife our dining certificate when he hadn't. Yeah, he was a joy. I honestly hadn't done anything, I was just being my usual charming self. It all worked out because we complained about him and got a pretty decent discount.

They restaurant we went to that night ignored us for over forty-five minutes. (Stuff like this happens to us a lot actually. I think maybe we look like the small town rubes we really are underneath it all or we look cheap because we don't order wine.) Anyway, we finally got served. I did have to take my shirt off to get their attention but I was cool with that because I'd been working out.

Then went to the worst crepe place in the world. The crepes were made by a real French woman who was rude enough to remind me of Paris. Unfortunately, she cooked like a truck stop waitress. Trust me, the condescension is a lot less charming when it's not backed up by exquisite food.

Overall, we did have a good time because there is nothing more pleasurable than complaining about something you ultimately enjoyed. We also now have a portrait of ourselves hanging in our living room or at least it will be once we get it framed.

Quote of the Day: Jonathan Swift

2010-11-20T20:44:00.000-08:00

"When you think of the world give it one lash the more at my request. I have ever hated all nations, professions, and communities, and all my love is towards individuals: for instance, I hate the tribe of lawyers, but I love Counsellor Such-a-one, and Judge Such-a-one . . . . But principally I hate and detest that animal called man, although I heartily love John, Peter, Thomas, and so forth. This is the system upon which I have governed myself many years, but do not tell.”

------------------------------

I had an epiphany the other day while I was walking to lunch with a friend

We were accosted by a blind homeless man who asked us where the DMV was. ("You know, the place where you get your licensed renewed?" is a direct quote.) After we decided we weren't on some kind of hidden camera show, we gave him directions and went on our way. We were kind enough not to point out that he was standing right next to a sign pointing the way.

Afterwards, I realized that this homeless man was you, dear reader -lost and confused and left to your own devices in the cold, cold world. Sorry for not blogging more and gracing you with my pearls of wisdom. I promise that I will be more faithful starting next week. I may post something more substantial tomorrow if I have time.

------------------------------

Well, it's official. Everybody at my new job thinks I am insane because I lost 185 LBS, get up at 3:30 AM, walk four miles everyday, and read books while I walk. (They seemed more concerned about the potential health hazards of my book-light innovation than impressed by my ingenuity.) They also know I rule on the phones but I fear that information will be lost underneath all this intensity that smaller minds mistake for insanity/OCD. I am not sure how they got all this information out of me but they did.

One time in high school this crazy kid who wanted to beat me up for making wisecracks in his general direction told me, "Someday you'll learn to shut that big mouth of yours." Guess he was wrong.

-----------------------------

Anyway, that's all for tonight. I do have a couple decent posts coming up so stay tuned.

Quote of the Day (Week?): Jean Kerr

2010-10-30T16:02:00.000-07:00

“One of the most difficult things to contend with in a hospital is the assumption on the part of the staff that because you have lost your gall bladder you have also lost your mind.”

Especially when they think you said you took a Percocet before you came in to the ER instead of a Prilosec. I got lots of questions about that. Somebody from Pharmacy Reconciliation came in before I went home and asked me lots of suspicious questions. I'm pretty sure they thought I was a doper when in reality I can't stand Opiates - they make my head hurt when they're not making me paranoid. I have never had a Percocet in my life.

Oh by the way, my wife made me go back to the hospital this week because I turned yellow and was in immense pain and then they made me stay there for two days because I had developed a gallstone even though I don't have a gallbladder anymore. Apparently, I have "incredibly small" bile ducts. Yeah, it was a little emasculating.

I never go the hospital and this trip made me remember why. It's like living in a dysfunctional fascist state. Nothing there makes any sense and they won't tell you anything about your fate. Why must I be woken me up at 2:00 AM to have my vitals checked? I was going insane by the time they let me out. I had lots of things I had to get done at my new job and I couldn't do them from my hospital bed.

Afterwards, I realized why I found it so unbearable. I didn't have a single painkiller while I was there. I think living in a drug induced haze is the only way people make it there longer than forty-eight hours.

As bad as it was it wasn't my worst customer service experience of the year. That came on my anniversary weekend but you will have to wait for my next post to hear about that.

PS
Sorry my blogging has been so non-existent lately. My life is insane right now with the new job and everything. I haven't even had time to be as diligent with my fiction writing as I normally am.

PPS
Before I go, I have to brag about one awesome thing I did. I bought a booklight to help me read non-Kindle books during my daily 4:00 AM morning walk. All I do is clip it on and I am good to go. It worked like a charm this week. I'm pretty sure all the strange looks people gave me were just because they were jealous that they didn't think of it first.

Quote of the Day: William Shakespeare

2010-10-28T20:01:00.000-07:00

“Absence doth sharpen love, presence strengthens it; the one brings fuel, the other blows it till it burns clear.”

I hope you aren't missing me too much. I swear I will blog soon.

Quote of the Day: G. K. Chesterton

2010-10-15T04:46:00.000-07:00

“Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.”

As of Sunday, I will officially have been married one year. That's pretty much all I have time to write today.

Sorry I haven't blogged much this week. The first week at my new job has been intense.

Quote of the day: Henry David Thoreau

2010-10-11T06:56:00.000-07:00

“I say, beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.”

It's been a while since I've blogged. What can I say? I've been lazy. I don't have much time today so this short USA Today version will have to suffice.

I start my new job today and I am surprisingly nervous. I really hope I didn't oversell myself during my interviews.

Last week was not our best week. I got my gallbladder taken out and my wife threw her back out so my mother had to come over and help the only childless couple in the family do basic things like walk. Yeah, we were pretty pathetic. My mom even had to take me shopping.

I learned some things last week.

I learned don't like being on Opiate-based painkillers. It turns out I value being able to think clearly more than I value not feeling pain. (I am sure there is a life lesson in there somewhere.) I did like the stuff they gave me at the hospital that made me ask Stacey why I was levitating.

I learned that nurses have senses of humor and doctors don't.

A nurse apologized for poking me three times trying to get my IV in and I said, "That's all right. Now I won't have to cut myself when I get home."

One of the abuse screening questions they have to ask everyone is, "Has anyone prevented you from doing the things you wanted to?" I said, "Yes, last week I wanted something really greasy and my wife wouldn't let me. Do you consider that abuse?"

When they asked me if I had any heart problems in the past I said, "One time this girl broke my heart. I healed but there may be a scar."

The nurses all laughed at my jokes and the doctors never laughed at a single one. It kind of hurt my feelings and made me mad because I am sure I am paying the doctors more.

Well, I am off to work. Boy, the first day of work sure is stressful. I laid awake last night wondering if the cool kids were going to let me sit by them at lunch. We will see.

Quote of the Day: Jules de Gautier

2010-10-01T07:03:00.000-07:00

"Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality."

I have some marriage advice for you today. No matter how excited you are about your last day of work, it is probably unrealistic to expect your spouse to share your level of excitement when you discuss the matter at 4AM so it may be best not to even do so.

Speaking of marriage, somebody mentioned to me the other day that people are always asking him and his girlfriend when they are going to get married. I told him not to worry because there's nothing he can do to keep people from asking personal questions. As soon as you're married people start asking when you're going to have kids, and then they ask when you're going to have more kids until they finally start asking when you're going to stop having kids. Although, I have found the best way to get answers to these questions is not to ask them. You'd be surprised the information people tell you just for having an honest face. (My face probably looks a little frightening right now since I didn't shave on my usual Wednesday night since I will be unemployed next week and want to look the part.)

All this talk of employment reminds me that I need to make an important announcement about this blog. With my demanding new job, I may not be able to post everyday. I will still try to write something two or three times a week which - let's face it - is what I've really been doing lately anyway. Please don't despair too much, Dear Reader. I will always be here for you like a chronic rash.

Quote of the Day; Edith Wharton

2010-09-30T12:01:00.000-07:00

"If only we'd stop trying to be happy we'd have a pretty good time."

This last week of work has convinced me that the "two week notice" concept is hopelessly outdated in the modern corporate world. If I was king of the world I would just walk employees out the door the day they put in their notice. (I certainly wouldn't have stuck around for two weeks if didn't need the insurance for my surgery. My co-workers certainly didn't get two weeks notice when they were laid off.) It just creates a morale problem, especially in sales.

Case in point: me.

Three of us were talking about a process issue when someone said, "Well, so-and-so just needs to understand that because of where we are as a company no one can get everything they want."

"I am. I'm leaving."

I am very excited about the new job I am starting in a few weeks. Almost as excited as I am about the week I will have in between to do nothing but read books and watch movies as I recover from surgery. Counting my new one, I will have had four jobs since college with each one being a little better than the last. I really have no regrets about deciding to make my living on the phone ten years ago, especially after talking to people with professional degrees and piles of debt. I am just lucky I found a career that lines up perfectly with my particular brand of OCD.

Quote of the Day: Isiah

2010-09-29T12:14:00.000-07:00

"What mean ye [that] ye beat my people to pieces, and grind the faces of the poor? saith the Lord GOD of hosts."

Well, I stepped on a homeless person today and I feel kind of bad about it. Maybe it's just a justification but I also feel like it it was partly his fault for sleeping perpendicularly across the sidewalk in a dimly lit neighbor.

Although, none of this would have happened if I hadn't been reading while walking. I'm just glad it was only his foot and not his face and that I was able to run fast enough when he started yelling at me.

Quote of the Day: Henri Frédéric Amiel

2010-09-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

"The man who insists upon seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides. Accept life, and you must accept regret."

The other day Stacey sent me to the store to buy a bag of Halloween candy for our new primary (Sunday School) class. We figured it might make them like us for at least a few minutes. I am not sure what possessed me but I also bought this:

It is pretty cool because it is motion-activated so every time you get even remotely close it laughs manically and says things like:
"Gotcha! (hahaha)"
"Boo! (laughter)"
"Hey! Whaddya doin'?"
"Tag! You're it! (laughter)"

Late Saturday night we heard a noise that sounded like someone trying to open the front door so we went to investigate. As soon as I put my hand on the door, a deep voice that chilled me to the core of my being asked me what I was doing.

Needless to say, the hand is now banished to the closet.

Quote of the Day: The President at My First Real Job

2010-09-27T13:26:00.000-07:00

"Collin is a very smart, talented, and capable employee but he can be also be very challenging to manage."

I came across this sentence when I saw an email I was not supposed to in the middle of a reorganization. Basically what happened is I got bored with the job and I knew I was smarter than the execs. I thought about this statement because the same thing happened with this job only this time I didn't tell my VP and CEO they "didn't know how to run a company" and were "more concerned with concerned with covering their a** than anything else." (Amazingly, when I quit they tried to talk me out of it.) I only told my new director that.

It's funny. When I graduated college with my creative writing degree I had no career ambitions beyond writing the Great American Novel. As long as I had enough money to buy books I was happy. Fast forward seven years later and I have an unpublished but completed novel saved to my hard drive and very ambitious career goals. Personally, I blame women.

Consider this an introduction to a series of posts on careers in post-industrial America.

Quote of the Day: Euripides

2010-09-24T13:19:00.000-07:00

"The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man."

Sometimes speaking truth to power is not the wisest move even if you only have a week left.

Quote of the Day: Rex Stout

2010-09-23T14:27:00.000-07:00

"No man with any sense assumes that a woman's words mean to her exactly what they mean to him."

It's nice to know the woman downstairs will miss me when I quit. Even though she said she was only worried about moving her Diet Mountain Dew stock off the shelves, I know that talking to me is the highlight of her day. I told her not too worry since I will only be one block away.

She is taking my departure a lot better than some of my co-workers who have decided to take it quite personally*. I am no longer a "team player" so I am not worthy of being spoken to by anyone on the team. Oh well, it's only six more days after today and now I am entering my favorite part of every job - the part where I stop censoring myself. It's been quite fun so far. I can really be a jerk when I want to be, especially when I am right.

*It's no more of a personal decision than them deciding to promise me a promotion and then telling me I can't have it for "structural reasons."

On Vacation until Thursday

2010-09-20T09:11:00.001-07:00

On Vacation until Thursday

2010-09-20T09:11:00.000-07:00

Quote of the Day: Isak Dinesen

2010-09-17T12:43:00.000-07:00

"All sorrows can be borne if you put them into a story or tell a story about them."

I finally got my job offer yesterday. And I got another one five minutes ago. I think I am sticking with number one.

I have decided to have surgery on the 4th before my old insurance goes away. Then I will be normal again.

Quote of the Day: Graham Swift

2010-09-16T06:05:00.000-07:00

"People die when curiosity goes."

I don't think anyone that knows me well would claim that patience is a virtue I possess in spades. The particular personality flaw of impatience has made me my own worst enemy more than once so I am constantly trying to improve in that area and I thought I was making progress until this week.

I am waiting on job offers from two really great companies and it is killing me. It is all I can think about and there is not a dang thing I can do about it. Obsessively checking my iPhone for any signs of contact can only accomplish so much. I can't wait any longer so hopefully today's the day. It should be because I know they've both checked all my references by now.

Up next: The multiple job offer dilemma that is eerily similar to the one I faced during my last job search. It even includes the very same hiring manager from two years ago. I'm guessing if I turn him down a second time, there won't be a third offer.

Quote of the Day: Leo Tolstoy

2010-09-15T13:34:00.000-07:00

"It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness."

Sorry this blog has been so lame lately. I promise I will blog about my job search once I officially get my offer. Right now, I am too busy sitting by the phone like a teenage girl before prom to write anything very interesting.

Quote of the Day: Thomas Carlyle

2010-09-14T13:22:00.000-07:00

"I do not believe in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance."

Until I quit hopefully later this week, I am on a new team at work. This team is not like my old team. These guys are very big into pep talks and motivational speeches while I am not, to put it mildly. Today I made a shocking discovery that confirmed, once again, that I need a new job.

I am not sure how into Classic Rock my readers are, but I am assuming you have heard Queen's "We Will Rock You" at a sporting event if nowhere else. Well, that song segways into a funny little number called "We Are the Champions of the World" that I would have sworn could only be taken ironically until today when I found this tacked to bulletin board this morning:

I've paid my dues - Time after time - I've done my sentence But committed no crime - And bad mistakes I've made a few I've had my share of sand kicked in my face - But I've come through We are the champions - my friends And we'll keep on fighting - till the end - We are the champions - We are the champions No time for losers 'Cause we are the champions - of the world - I've taken my bows And my curtain calls - You brought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it - I thank you all - But it's been no bed of roses No pleasure cruise - I consider it a challenge before the whole human race - And I ain't gonna lose - We are the champions - my friends And we'll keep on fighting - till the end - We are the champions - We are the champions No time for losers 'Cause we are the champions - of the world -

That's right. Somebody I work with can't make it through the day without words of wisdom from this guy.

Quote of the Day: William Sherman

2010-09-13T13:32:00.000-07:00

"I would define true courage to be a perfect sensibility of the measure of danger, and a mental willingness to endure it."

I have typically had pretty good health throughout my life which means my experience with medical procedures is minimal. Normally, this is a good thing expect for right now when I have to make a medical decision and don't really know how. The question is: do I get my gallbladder taken out or try to control my gallstones with diet and/or alternative treatments?

After the intense pain shrimp and curry sauce gave me last night, I am leaning towards ripping the sucker out. The problem is: what if I am wrong can never eat fatty foods again? What kind of a life is that? I have been able to control it with diet over the last week but what happens when I want to splurge on a burger at The Skillet? Which by the way I finally ate at a few weeks ago. (The burger was not only delicious it also helped diagnose my gallstone issue.)

I am considering a few things and I am meeting with a surgeon on Thursday and I'm guessing
she is going to recommend surgery since she is a surgeon. I am just skeptical that you can remove an organ from your body with no major repercussions. Am I just being paranoid?

Quote of the Day: Peter F Drucker

2010-09-10T12:55:00.000-07:00

"Whenever anything is being accomplished, it is being done, I have learned, by a monomaniac with a mission."

I am beginning to think that coming in today was a foolish mission.

Quote of the Day: Sophocles

2010-09-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

"A wise man does not chatter with one whose mind is sick."

I am taking another sick day.

Quote of the Day: Jonathan Franzen

2010-09-08T12:14:00.000-07:00

"We may freak out globally, but we suffer locally."

So I am in the middle of dealing with gallstones, a case of mono*, and a job search. And the best part is I can't turn to my two favorite coping mechanisms for dietary reasons: fatty food and Diet Mountain Dew.

Last night made me grateful that I had a wife because I am sure I would not have gone to the ER without being kindly forced into it even after experiencing the worst stomach pain of my entire life.

*
No, I don't know how I got it.

Quote of the Day: Franklin D Roosevelt

2010-09-07T06:43:00.000-07:00

"Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds."

Today may be the day I bust out of here.

Quote of the Day: Lily Tomlin

2010-09-03T07:36:00.000-07:00

"No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up."

I am taking another sick day.

Quote of the Day: Charlie Chaplin

2010-09-02T12:12:00.000-07:00

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world --- not even our troubles."

Good thing because I haven't been this sick in a long time.

Quote of the Day: Lewis Mumford

2010-09-01T13:33:00.000-07:00

"Humor is our way of defending ourselves from life's absurdities by thinking absurdly about them."

Yesterday as I was pulling out of my driveway, I saw a shadowy figure run into the backyard so naturally - since I am the man of the house - I had to investigate. Before I even made it to the gate a man in a red and black coat jumped out in front of me and squared his body at me like a gunfighter about to face off with a rival. He said, "Can I help you?"

"How about can I help you?"

"I'm okay." He had a very bad stutter.

"What are you doing here? This is my house."

"Seattle City Light," he said very slowly as if I was a crazed animal that needed to be soothed. He held up plastic badge attached to a lanyard. "You don't think it's real?"

"All right. I just had to check." By the way, it looked very cheap and fake. "Sorry," I said as I got in my car.

He then came up from behind me as I was shutting the door and said, "No worries. Happens all the time."

He then proceeded to stand there until I got creeped out enough to shut the door and drive off. My last image of him was of him shining a flashlight under my garage door for no apparent reason.

Nothing was stolen so all's well that ends well. Still, kind of weird.

Quote of the Day: Henry David Thoreau

2010-08-31T15:24:00.000-07:00

Things do not change; we change.

I am attending to personal business today.

Quote of the Day: Arthur Calwell

2010-08-30T09:04:00.000-07:00

"It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies."

It's interesting how the Five Stages of Grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance) are applicable to even the most minor disappointments.

I guess the episode of Frasier I watched late one night during a bout of insomnia was right.

Quote of the Day: Julio Cortázar

2010-08-27T09:11:00.000-07:00

"And do you accept the idea that there is no explanation?"

Soon I will explain my very temporary absence from blogging.

Quote of the Day: John Barth

2010-08-26T10:39:00.001-07:00

"Everyone is necessarily the hero of his own life story."

That's all today.

Quote of the Day: James Yorke

2010-08-25T09:26:00.000-07:00

"The most successful people are those who are good at plan B."

I swear someday I may blog again. Like tomorrow.

I am just working on something consuming all my mental energies at the moment .

Quote of the Day: Sydney Harris

2010-08-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

"When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?""

There are big doings at work today and none of them good.

Quote of the Day: Meister Eckhart

2010-08-23T13:04:00.001-07:00

"There exists only the present instant... a Now which always and without end is itself new. There is no yesterday nor any tomorrow, but only Now, as it was a thousand years ago and as it will be a thousand years hence."

Yes, folks, I rode an elephant.

Quote of the Day: George Santayana

2010-08-20T13:15:00.000-07:00

"The truth is cruel, but it can be loved, and it makes free those who have loved it."

I told my co-worker that this was one of the best days of my life because the little store downstairs starting carrying Diet Sunkist like I have been pleading with them to do for months. He said, "I should call Stacey and congratulate her for having such an easy to please husband."

Quote of the Day: GK Chesterton

2010-08-19T12:48:00.000-07:00

"Literature is a luxury; fiction is a necessity."

Yesterday, I won a bet for being right about seventies singer-songwriter Harry Chapin being the guy who sang "Cats in the Cradle and the Silver Spoon" and not Cat Stevens. So today, when my manager and I went to Starbucks so he could pay up and buy me my promised Orange Mango Banana Smoothie guess what CD they were selling at the counter? "Cat Stevens Greatest Hits." Talk about uncanny.

Quote of the Day: Peter Stothard

2010-08-18T13:26:00.000-07:00

"Characters from the past never know what is coming next. That is one of the less acknowledged reasons we like to think about them."

I am waiting on some big news this week at work so I am a little too anxious to blog.

Quote of the Day: Marcel Proust

2010-08-17T12:58:00.001-07:00

"Real books should be the offspring not of daylight and casual talk, but of darkness and silence."

Still busy.

Quote of the Day: Teller

2010-08-16T11:07:00.000-07:00

"Doing beautiful things is its own reward. If you do something that you're proud of, that someone else understands, that is a thing of beauty that wasn't there before--you can't beat that."

I have a pretty busy week ahead.

Quote fo the Day: Pearl S Buck

2010-08-13T10:10:00.000-07:00

"I don't wait for moods. You accomplish nothing if you do that. Your mind must know it has got to get down to work."

I have finally made a big decision and even acted on it today. I will provide more details later.

Quote of the Day: Michel de Montaigne

2010-08-12T09:22:00.000-07:00

"I do not speak the minds of others except to speak my own mind better."

I am out sick today.

Quote of the Day: George Santayana

2010-08-11T13:28:00.000-07:00

"Almost every wise saying has an opposite one, no less wise, to balance it."

Sometimes, I like to complain about being the one who always answers the general sales line when it rings but not today because I get to have conversations like this:

"Hello. I was just talking with you and got cut off."
"I am sorry. That might have been someone else."
"Anyway, I represent a real estate developer from Texas."
"Okay?"
"We need your help. He was quite successful until he expanded to a certain European country."
"How can my company help?"
"There's a big scandal going on right now that they cooked up against him. My client needs your help hitting back hard."
"Excuse me?"
"We are going to expose the leader of this country for what he really is: a pedophile."
"I don't see how we can help. We are a communications company. Is this a PR thing?"
"Not exactly. Look, if you are having an ethical problem you should know you could really make your name on this. I can answer any questions you have right now."
"We make software."
"Oh. Wrong number."

Five minutes later:

"Can I have ____ your CEO?" (These calls are quite common because somewhere in some directory our number got switched with the main line. They are still pretty annoying.)
"Can I ask the why?"
"This is ____ ____ the CEO of ______."
"Excuse me?"
"We're your biggest competitor."
"I know who are. I am in sales."
"I bet you do."
"Unfortunately. Here's is his admin."
(I looked up his number. It really was the guy. Maybe something big is going down.)

Quote of the Day: F. Scott Fitzgerald

2010-08-10T13:03:00.000-07:00

"Reserving judgments is a matter of infinite hope."

In one of my the most stressful weeks of my professional career, I have learned how to make the day tolerable: getting in early enough to steal all the butterscotch discs and root beer barrels from the candy dish.

Quote of the Day: Nathaniel Hawthorne

2010-08-09T11:56:00.000-07:00

"Our Creator would never have made such lovely days, and have given us the deep hearts to enjoy them, above and beyond all thought, unless we were meant to be immortal."

This has got to be one of the ugliest summers in Seattle I have ever experienced. The weekend was just miserable. About the only interesting thing was when some guy mistook us for his drug dealers, or at least that was our suspicion anyway. Based in his behavior, he either thought we or the three-year-old with us was.

I was putting gas in my car Saturday afternoon on the squalid little avenue called Greenwood, when I noticed I was being watched by a thuggish looking guy with dreadlocks. He also looked like he smelled pretty bad. There were some kids running some kind of charity car wash next door so I at first I was worried about their safety but eventually I became more concerned for my own when he kept making motions like he was going to walk over to the car without actually picking his feet up off the asphalt. He kept his hand clenched around something in his pocket like it was the Holy Grail. Anyway, he kept looking at me with madness or longing in his eyes until we drove away.

And that's it. That's my story. I know it's pretty lame but such an anti-climatic story fits in quite nicely with my August so far. (Maybe I will blog about some of it later when the statute of limitations expires.)

Quote of the Day: Christopher Caldwell

2010-08-06T13:14:00.000-07:00

"The Theodore Roosevelt Administration was a time of tumult that offers many parallels to our own. We'd do well to think more about those parallels. But such thinking needn't be accompanied by adulation for an egomaniacal weirdo who was as close to being a psycopath as anyone who ever occupied the Oval Office."

I rediscovered this quote that I've always liked a few days ago. Seriously, the guy was a lunatic.

Quote of the Day: Blaise Pascal

2010-08-05T13:20:00.000-07:00

"A thinking reed - It is not from space that I must seek my dignity, but from the government of my thought. I shall have no more if I possess worlds. By space the universe encompasses and swallows me up like an atom; by thought I comprehend the world."

A good thing to remember as one waits for his future to be decided by people who have no real stake in his existence, let alone his self-actualization.

Also, listening to Arcade Fire's new album helps.

Quote of the Day: J. Krishnamurti

2010-08-04T13:08:00.000-07:00

“A consistent thinker is a thoughtless person, because he conforms to a pattern; he repeats phrases and thinks in a groove.”

Today, I have officially been employed at my job for two years. Boy, that seems like such a long time ago. A lot has changed. Back then, I was 190 pounds heavier, living with Mark, and as single as they come. About the only thing that hasn't changed is my generally high level of awesomeness.

Quote of the Day: William Gass

2010-08-03T13:45:00.000-07:00

"Writing has almost always been difficult for me, something I had to do to remain sane, yet never satisfying in any ordinary sense, certainly never exhilarating, and never an activity that might satisfy Socrates’ admonition to find a logos for my life, as I felt it surely had for the authors I admired: even Malcolm Lowry’s dissolutely drunken sprees, even Hart Crane’s beatings at the hands of sailors, beatings he sought out as he ultimately sought the sea; even Céline’s meanness, a bitterness that ate through his heart before it got to his shoes and ate them, too; even these malcontents, though nothing justified their wasted ways, their anger, their multiplication of pain, might be, by their works, somewhat saved, their sins hidden under sublime blots of printer’s ink."

I just about lost a hand today. The receptionist sent out a company wide e-mail telling everyone that a cubicle had been filled up with old swag and chotskies nobody wanted since the re-branding three years ago had made them worthless.

I made the mistake of seeing what they had; and let me just say, I haven't experienced a feeding frenzy quite like that since my last trip to Ross and this almost made the constant state of anarchy reigning there look civilized. I guess bargains on ugly shirts have a special way of bringing out the savage man regardless of income level, and all the more if they're free.

Quote of the Day: Evelyn Waugh

2010-08-02T12:47:00.000-07:00

"Humility is not a virtue propitious to the artist. It is often pride, emulation, avarice, malice--all the odious qualities--which drive a man to complete, elaborate, refine, destroy, renew, his work until he has made something that gratifies his pride and envy and greed. And in doing so he enriches the world more than the generous and good, though he may lose his own soul in the process. That is the paradox of artistic achievement."

I swear I have a real job, even a job I am a little proud of at times, but no one seems to believe me and it is kind of starting to bother me. I work in Enterprise Software Sales which is an actual career. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enterprise_software)

I spend my day talking to or trying to talk to Senior Vice Presidents, CFO's and CEO's of Fortune 1000 companies. My job is to explain very complex solutions in simple yet compelling enough terms to get them to start talking about the possibility of giving my company millions of dollars. And I am quite good at it. I mean really good. (I hate to brag but I must.)

I swear it is a real career with a real career path just as much as an accountant or lawyer is; but for some reason, as soon as people hear software sales they either assume that I wear a blue polo shirt and hassle people with my incompetence as they shop for small electronics or that I am a telemarketer who spends his day begging for the Glengarry Leads. None of these scenarios are true but I don't really blame people for thinking I have forfeited the corporate rat race because I was only a creative writing major after all.

I just need to figure out how to convince people I have a real job without being so low-class as to whip out my pay-stub. I don't want people to know how much I make because my identity is not completely tied up in my job (in my heart I am still the greatest unpublished novelist who ever lived). I would just like a little respect especially now that I am in a new ward/congregation thanks to our new house.

Any thoughts or advice out there beyond prettying it up a bit and saying "Business Development" instead of sales?

Quote of the Day: Nigel Rees

2010-07-30T12:46:00.000-07:00

"My toils in the quotation field have led me to formulate two or three laws about the way people use and abuse quotations. My first law is: When in doubt, ascribe all quotations to Bernard Shaw--which I don't mean to be taken literally, but as a general observation of the habit people have of attaching remarks to the nearest obvious speaker."

Notice how today's quote is connected to yesterday's quote?

Good news. I hit and even exceeded my quota this month.

Quote of the Day: George Bernard Shaw

2010-07-29T09:59:00.000-07:00

"A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of Hell."

This week is pretty busy since it's the end of the month and I am in sales.

Quote of the Day: George Santayana

2010-07-28T12:03:00.000-07:00

"Almost every wise saying has an opposite one, no less wise, to balance it."

I missed my bus twice and now my whole is a little off. Too off to blog.

Quote of the Day: Logan Pearsall Smith

2010-07-27T13:23:00.000-07:00

"People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading."

Most of you probably know about my bad habit of reading while I walk. I do it quite a bit because the number of books I want to read for outnumber the breaths I will have on this planet before I will be forced to leave it so I really have no choice from a time efficiency standpoint.

Until this morning, my bad habit had left me surprisingly unscathed. Sure, I've ran into the occasional fire hydrant and/or person but I was stronger than most of them so the damage to my person was fairly limited.

That all changed this morning as I walked to the bus stop when I decided to read the last section of David Mitchell's Cloud Atlas because I was pretty into it. The problem is that my neighborhood is pretty dark at 4:30 in the morning. It's not so much a reading problem most of the time because I either read books on my iPhone or use a flashlight app to illuminate the pages of one of those old-fashioned things. It does create a bit of a walking problem because there are so many obstructions and overhanging vegetation that one is practically forced to walk in the road and jump back up on the sidewalk when a car comes your way. This solution works pretty well because there are not a lot of cars out that early. The solution fails; however, when you run into the curb because you don't see it and tumble to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

Don't worry, my iPhone is okay because I had the foresight to cushion its fall with my body. Sure, my arm may hurt, I may have gravel in my hand, and my pants may be ripped, but at least I don't have to wait another 2-4 weeks for a new phone because that would have really blown my budget.

Quote of the Day: Alexander Dumas

2010-07-26T12:56:00.000-07:00

"All human wisdom is summed up in two words; wait and hope."

I've had a rough day. I've been hung up on, told I am no longer allowed to call one of the biggest banks in the world because I violated protocol, told my manager was going to be told about my combative attitude, and just generally kicked in the crotch for the first three hours of my day.

However, I just saw a ray of light burst through a crack in the dark wall of clouds. A guy I have been trying to track down at a very large company finally got back to me and said he wanted to talk. He turned at to be the CFO. So that was quite a coup.

Quote of the Day: My Boss

2010-07-23T14:11:00.000-07:00

"If there's one thing I learned in life it's never trust anyone who uses your name twice the first time they meet you."

Think about it. You know he's right.

Today, I realized I am still enough of a small-town rube to be a little awed by the fact that I was talking on the phone during a conference call to a guy located in Bangalore.

I ended a phone call today by thanking a guy for taking my call on a Friday afternoon and he responded with, "Don't worry about it. The alternative was worse." I have no idea what it means but I think it is now my personal slogan.

So, this week we implemented our first budget since buying our house and I am proud to announce that I lived within my budget this week with four cents to spare which is not too shabby considering that this week contained my first trip to the land of the $15 burger - AKA the Lunchbox Laboratory in Ballard. It was worth every penny. (My personal allowance is for things like eating out at work, books, music, and trips to the store downstairs - in other words, all non-Stacey related entertainment.)

I am in the midst of waging a battle this week against my laptop's anti-virus because it insists on blocking The Seattle Times as a "dangerous website." Other than a new Big-Brother like authoritarian streak in my software that deems all knowledge dangerous, I can find no explanation. Very frustrating.

Quote of the Day: That is all today

2010-07-22T10:36:00.000-07:00

"Writing is not a profession but a vocation of unhappiness. I don't think an artist can ever be happy."

That is all today.

Quote of the Day: Gottfried Keller

2010-07-21T10:35:00.000-07:00

"A human life is a schooling for eternity."

That's it for today and tomorrow will be light as well.

Quote of the Day: Jean-Paul Satre

2010-07-20T14:23:00.000-07:00

"Man is condemned to be free."

Some random guy yelled at me this morning for looking at my iPhone while I walked. He got in my face and said, "Wake up."

I said, "Don't tell me what to do."

"Just put your toy away and pay attention to me."

"Mind your own business."

"You could have ran into me."

"Maybe you should watch where you're going then," I said.

Things kind of deteriorated after that. There was even a point in the conversation when I uttered the very mature school-yard taunt, "Just keep walking, tough guy."

I should have acted better. I need to learn not to let random stranger telling me what to do set me off so much. (You can ask my mom. I was even worse as a teenager.)

On a side note, this country was founded by Puritans and the impulse to self-righteously regulate the behavior of others is still going strong. It's just moved from sex onto to more frivolous things like environmental causes, calorie-counting, and cell phone use. (All good things, just not good things to be preached to about by people who invade your privacy.)

Quote of the Day: Anita Brookner

2010-07-19T13:55:00.000-07:00

"Real love is a pilgrimage. It happens when there is no strategy, but it is very rare because most people are strategists."

I think I am losing my wife to a video game. We've never been very big video game people but she has been obsessed with Tetris ever since I gave her my old iPhone. It really is quite amusing because she plays and thinks about it a lot. If it gets too quiet in the house for too long, I know she is off somewhere playing Tetris. I think the whole thing is my fault because the first time she told me one of her first scores I expressed amazement that it was so much better than my highest score at my peak. She even admitted that knowing she was that much better than me is part of the attraction.

I am not too worried though because I know she'll come back to me. I liken her fling with Tetris to the brief but torrid affair I had with Scramboni when I first got my iPhone. Sure, we were very hot and heavy there for a while but the flame burned down to nothing but cold embers after just a few months.

Speaking of obsessions, I am obsessed with finding the Skillet truck http://www.skilletstreetfood.com/ but the universe is not cooperating with me. The thing moves around every day and they only publish two locations a week so it can be hard to catch. I had been trying for a while when I finally tracked it down to Pioneer Square Saturday afternoon but they were out of food when I got there. Curses.

PS
If you are curious why I am so obsessed with trying its gourmet street food let me share two words with you. "Bacon Jam." These two articles should also help.

http://mobile.seriouseats.com/2010/06/street-food-profiles-skillet-street-food-in-seattle-washington-wa.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+seriouseatsfeaturesvideos+%28Serious+Eats%29&utm_content=Google+Reader

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204456604574201934018170554.html

Quote of the Day: Jon Hammond

2010-07-16T13:57:00.000-07:00

"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

So Stacey and I rescued a young girl from the clutches of an evil gang of n'er-do-wells yesterday. We were our for a walk last night at a park last by our house when we saw a fairly attractive and very physically diminutive young woman trying to extricate herself from an awkward conversation with a man in a wheel chair. She kept saying, "I no understand," as she tried to walk away.

We couldn't tell if her awkwardness had to do with her lack of English or something else so Stacey made us stick around and wait. We finally walked over to her at Stacey's insistence when a gang of four guys popped up out of nowhere and surrounded her. We knew they were trouble because they were in the trouble-causing demographic of 18-24 year old males and they were wearing wife-beater under-shirts and riding BMX bikes.

When we got there we could tell she was scared as they asked her lots of questions like where she lived. I was trying to figure out what combination of words I could speak to rescue the damsel in distress without getting beat up when Stacey blurted out, "Are you okay? Do you want to come with us?" I guess I looked respectable in my business-casual attire and Stacey was obviously a girl so she jumped at the chance. She said yes and ran towards us so we walked her out of the park and home to her house. All the guys did was look at us as we walked away. It was like I was a superhero.

We learned that she was an exchange student from Spain and didn't like that the bar age in the states was 21 not 18 like it is back home. We told her to be careful here and she said she would never go out alone again. I told her it was all right to go out by herself as long as she never stopped for anyone. In America, we can't afford to be charitable even to cripples. (By the way, using the wheelchair guy as bait was genius.)

Anyway, I feel pretty good about myself.

Quote of the Day: Robert Louis Stevenson

2010-07-15T13:35:00.000-07:00

“When I am grown to man's estate I shall be very proud and great. And tell the other girls and boys Not to meddle with my toys.”

I'm pretty sure my teenage self is kicking my adult self right now for not saying something like, "Run," "Say no," or "Are you going to to tell him about us?" when the guy sitting six inches away from me at lunch proposed to his girlfriend and she said nothing af first. It was kind of awkward because my friend Mark and I ended up in the pictures and we didn't even know them.

I would say that I am not so sure that a Pan-African restaurant in the company of friends is the appropriate venue for a proposal of marriage but I am in no position to cast stones since, unbeknownst to me, when I proposed there was large bird of prey ripping the entrails out of a small rodent right next to us along with a man taking pictures of the gruesome scene. If I read that in a book I would dismiss is as heavy-handed symbolism but I swear it's true.

Speaking of books, I am keeping myself busy with this today. http://iwl.me/. You just paste in a sample of your writing and it tells you who you write like. I am pretty sure it's a scam because my fiction has been compared to Stephen King, Chuck Palaniuk, Stephanie Meyer, James Joyce, and David Foster Wallace who I also apparently write like in my work e-mails. On the plus side, it did say my blog and Facebook posts read like PG Wodehouse which I take as compliment.

Quote of the Day: Pearl Buck

2010-07-14T13:27:00.000-07:00

"I don't wait for moods. You accomplish nothing if you do that. Your mind must know it has got to get down to work."

I am not sure why but I haven't had much to say this week. Maybe it has something to do with being so worried about hitting quota. The summer is always a slow time in sales but things are finally starting to look up after a long month.

I have made some fun blunders at work this week. I e-mailed a guy about a project he was going to use us for next month like he told me to when we spoke two months ago. He e-mailed me right back and said all plans were off and he seemed a little put out. Apparently, his company announced that they were closing down his division a mere 27 minutes before I hit send on my email. Yeah, I looked like a real jerk. (I also kicked his dog and insulted his mother.) So feel free to use me as an example if you ever need to justify surfing the Internet at work.

I also sent a case study about how our solution can outperform everyone else's. It turns out we used his company as an example of what happens when you use our competitor's solution and get horrible performance. He seemed cool with it but I would not have sent it out if I had read it carefully and seen his company's name because it's just a little too confrontational. Curse you, Internet for ruining my attention span so much that I can't even read a five-page document all the way through. You can use me as an example for that too.

Quote of the Day: Albert Einstein

2010-07-13T13:37:00.000-07:00

"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."

Man, I am having a heck of a time hitting my quota this month. This is my worst dry-spell ever.

Quote of the Day: Orson Welles

2010-07-12T14:15:00.000-07:00

"Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason."

This might be a week of light posting.

Quote of the Day: F. Scott Fitzgerald

2010-07-09T12:45:00.000-07:00

"No amount of fire or freshness can challenge what a man will store up in his ghostly heart."

Stacey and I learned a few things last weekend.

We learned the proper way to wash a car thanks a nice homeless drunk on malt liquor. We were washing a car at the Brown Bear in Lynnwood when a guy I assume was homeless based on his lack of teeth, scruffy clothes, and the malt liquor he had concealed quite cleverly in a brown paper bag walked up and said something about putting soap on the wrong way.

"I know," I said. "The soap's not coming out of the brushes so we have to put the soap on first."

"Hey, I am a professional detailer. My buddy owns a car shop."

"That's nice," I said.

Anyway, he kept going on and on about how we were doing it wrong until Stacey finally said, "Look, we know how to do it."

"Hey," he said, "I am not a dumb____."

"Nobody said you were."

"She did. Look at her. She thinks I am a dumb____ but I am not."

"Maybe you should head on out," I suggested.

"But I'm not a dumb___."

Finally, the message of "Leave" penetrated his drunken haze but he still wouldn't let it go. The whole time he was walking away from us he yelled about he wasn't a dumb______ even if Stacey thought he was.

See, this is why we can't go out in public - Stacey picks too many fights.

We also learned not to skip church because when you do cars blow up. We left early lasts week because of illness and on the way home the tire of the car next to us exploded and sprayed rubber shrapnel all over us. When a big chunk hit our window and shook the whole car we thought we were being shot. So we won't be missing church this week come Hell, high water, or missing limbs.

Quote of the Day: Lorraine Hansberry

2010-07-08T10:44:00.000-07:00

"Never be afraid to sit awhile and think."

That is what you will have to do right now because once again I am too busy with good things to blog today.

I will mention one thing before I go. Yesterday, I participated in a customer video where I got to talk about one of my favorite possessions. I'm not shy by any means but it was nerve-racking being under those lights. On the other hand, the make-up they made me wear was delightful.

Quote of the Day: Benjamin Disraeli

2010-07-07T11:51:00.000-07:00

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."

I lied. The stories will be tomorrow.

Quote of the Day: Jean Cocteau

2010-07-06T12:53:00.000-07:00

"Since the day of my birth, my death began its walk. It is walking toward me, without hurrying."

My Fourth of July report will be your typical bad news / good news scenario. The bad news is that my wife was near death's door for most of it. The good news is that I finally got my new iPhone 4. Yeah, it's pretty sweet. The only bad thing is that I lost all record of any texts and calls that occurred between yesterday and June 14th. (I know it's not really a big deal but I like to compulsively save all my correspondence so my future biographers will have something to pore over. I never delete anything - not even the ones where I look like a jerk.)

Don't worry, the iPhone thing works out well for Stacey too since she gets my old one. I am quite proud of myself for finally converting her over to the dark side of "digital distractions." Her phone is pretty much useless right now anyway so it's for the best.

We had a pretty laid back Fourth. Since she wasn't feeling well and I got up way too early, we went to bed before the Fireworks started and I was okay with continuing my tradition of not going anywhere near crowds on the 4th.

We also had brunch at the Portage Bay Cafe for the first time, once again proving that organic food can be just as fatty and delicious as the regular stuff.

I did some manly things this weekend I need to brag about. I changed the locks on two doors after Stacey showed me how and I cooked animal flesh over a propane grill just like my ancestors used to.

Stay tuned for tomorrow when I'll tell you about the time we almost died and the time Stacey picked a fight with a homeless man.

Quote of the Day: Calvin Coolidge

2010-07-02T13:22:00.000-07:00

“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan "press on" has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”

I figured I should end the week with a positive quote because I learned that "A Maxim a Day Keeps Bad Feelings Away," at least if you're a man. http://www.miller-mccune.com/culture/a-maxim-a-day-keeps-bad-feelings-away-18232/

I just got back from a team lunch where we were waited on by the worst waiter in the world. I am not sure what we did but he hated us so much he did nothing but argue the whole time.

There were five of us so we took two tables but apparently we took the wrong seats. The first words out of his mouth were, "In my experience I have found that people prefer to sit on this end." He pointed to the empty seat on the far end and shook his head when we didn't move. "I'm just trying to be helpful."

Then he argued with us about what kind of oysters to get. "Sir, you don't want a baker's dozen. Those are all different kinds. You should all eat the same kind so you can compare notes afterwards."
"I'll be eating not talking," said my boss.
"Sir you are not listening to me. What if the lady doesn't like big salty oysters?"
"Fine, just bring me whatever you want."

My co-worker ordered a burger well-done which also displeased him. "Can I talk you out of the well done? How about medium well?"
"No, I want well done."
"Well, I hope you don't have a time constraint."

The rest of the meal followed a similar course when he took forever to bring our food out, threw it onto the plates with no sense of presentation, smashed my crab salad, and then huffed about the amount of black pepper I put on it.

Somebody obviously needs to read his maxims. (The pithy little sayings, not the magazine.)

Quote of the Day: Kingsley Amis

2010-07-01T13:16:00.000-07:00

"Outside every fat man there was an even fatter man trying to close in.”

This will be a bit of a grab-bag since I haven't written in a while.

As some readers of this blog may know, I have lost roughly 185 pounds in the past year and a half. I once topped out at 408 pounds and for the last couple months I have been hovering anywhere from 220-205. I am fairly tall so I wear it well but I am getting close to committing to taking those last 20 pounds off in the next six months as a matter of principle. The only thing stopping me is that I know it will require me to take my pain and sacrifice game to the next level.

The only drawback to losing so much weight is that I can no longer eat a triple cheeseburger without immense pain later even if it is from Zippy's. Next time I will not give into peer
pressure.

One of the great disappointments in life is that "secret sauce" is always nothing more than Thousand Island dressing. I think the day I realized that was always going to be the case was the day I became an adult.

A few nights ago, some guy showed up at my door trying to sell me an alarm system. He gave me a huge song and dance about waiving all types of fees. I asked him to leave some literature. He said he couldn't because I had to decide right then. He said, "We either do it now or part ways as friends."
I said, "Let's just part ways." Seriously, what a horrible sales pitch. As if I would make a decision like that in five minutes without consulting my wife.

Speaking of wives, last weekend Stacey and I went for a walk before heading to Fred Meyer to buy yet more stuff more the house. As we were leaving the store a woman stopped us and said, "I just want to say..." I was pretty sure she was going to lecture me about who-knows-what so I was pleasantly surprised when she said, "You guys are a really cute couple. I saw you walking by my house earlier and it was so nice." Sorry to leave on a sappy not but that's how I roll today.

Quote of the Day: George Orwell

2010-06-30T09:50:00.000-07:00

"There are some ideas so wrong that only a very intelligent person could believe in them."

I swear I will write a decent post some time this week.

Quote of the Day: Thomas Browne

2010-06-29T10:12:00.000-07:00

“Unthinking Heads, who have not learn'd to be alone, are in a Prison to themselves, if they be not also with others: Whereas on the contrary, they whose thoughts are in a fair, and hurry within, are sometimes fain to retire into Company, to be out of the crowd of themselves. He who must needs have Company, must needs have sometimes bad Company. Be able to be alone. Loose not the advantage of Solitude, and the Society of thy self, nor be only content, but delight to be alone and single with Omnipresency. He who is thus prepared, the Day is not uneasy nor the Night black unto him…”

I am taking another sick day.

In the meantime, please enjoy this watermelon art.
http://www.wimp.com/carveswatermelon/

Quote of the Day: Oscar Wilde

2010-06-28T11:29:00.000-07:00

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”

I don't know why but I am feeling kind of sick so I am calling it a day. Maybe I am just tired from putting a table together this weekend like a real man. Sure, it was a pre-made one from Fred Meyer with only three steps required for assembly, but screws were involved so I think it counts.

Quote of the Day: Samuel Johnson

2010-06-25T13:18:00.000-07:00

"Yet it is necessary to hope, though hope should always be deluded, for hope itself is happiness, and its frustrations, however frequent, are yet less dreadful than its extinction."

The week is almost over and I have big plans this weekend that involve doing nothing because I haven't done that in over a month and a half. I'm pretty sure I'll be forced to put on pants sometime but I can't guarantee they won't be of the sweat variety.

This has been a tough week to get through on the professional side of life. There have been some pretty brutal rejections by key prospects. Oh well, I guess that's the nature of the sales game and why so few people play it. This is the first week in a long time I haven't felt overpaid although I am not sure how much of that is due to a tough week and how much is due to knowing I have a mortgage payment eternally hanging over my head. This is also the first week in a month where I was here in the office for all five days so that may have something to do with it as well.

I have huge blisters on my feet. Maybe doubling my daily walking routine to 4 miles a day was a less than intelligent move.

Maybe being the in the middle of a very dated novel by a committed Marxist has made me super-sensitive to such things (I have a compulsion that requires me to finish everything I start reading.) but I suspect my 3 year-old cousin has been reading Karl Marx. Yesterday when he saw our loose change jar sitting on the counter, he asked, "Did you and Stacey stealed the money from the peoples?"

"What peoples?"

"All the peoples of the world."

He later asked me why they paid me to go to work. Trust me, I've asked myself that same questions many times this week.

Quote of the Day: Mignon McLaughlin

2010-06-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

"No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you'll see why."

I just had the worst sales call of my life. It started out with the prospect saying, "Why the Hell would I do that?" to my request of setting up a later conference call.

Here are a few things he said throughout the rest of the call:

"Who the hell are you?"

"I don't care what my peers are doing. I have better metrics than 90% of my peers." (A complete and total lie.)

"We've solved that problem." (I know this is a lie because this is a problem Obama talks about almost weekly.)

"Your headset is too loud. A communications company that can't even buy decent headsets? Boy, that's reassuring."

"You can send an email but I'll just delete it."

"I want you to know that you provide a very very low quality sales call." (Believe it or not, I am actually fairly successful at my job.)

The worst part was that I couldn't get smart with him like I wanted to because he is a very important contact. I did email the CEO of his company so we'll see what happens.

PS
I kind of need a hug.

Quote of the Day: E. M. Cioran

2010-06-23T13:16:00.000-07:00

"Life inspires more dread than death - it is life which is the great unknown."

It is official. The security guards at my building are now completely worthless.

Here is a representative exchange I had once with the creepy little toad-like individual I pass every morning:

"Hey, I forgot my key card. Can you let me up?" (I have to use it at three different places to get in every morning so forgetting it was a dumb move on my part.)

"What floor? What name?" After I told him he said, "Can't find it. Can't let you up."

"Come on, isn't walking by here every day for a year and a half good enough."

"We have rules. We take security very seriously here. Sorry."

"Maybe you're spelling it wrong." It turned out he was.

"Do you want me to let you in upstairs?" he asked as he keyed me up the elevator. Since I wanted to do more than stand in front of a locked door for two hours until everyone else showed up, I told him I did.

On the way up, he said, "So are you some kind of corporate bigwig?"

"Not really."

"I used to be like you. I had it all but I finally had to give it up to get out of the rat race. All that money's not worth it. You make good money, don't you?" (By the way, I have serious doubts about his corporate raider past because he can't be more than twenty years old and he was looking at the floor the whole time to avoid making eye-contact.)

"It pays the bills." Luckily we arrived at my floor before he could grill me any further about my personal finances.

So I've always thought they were strange human beings whom we put up with because they were good at their job. I no longer think that after last week.

The woman at the little store downstairs saw a *well-dressed woman carrying one of the purses for sale out of the store without paying for it. When she caught her at the Tully's across the lobby and found it full of other merchandise she doubted her claim that "she forgot" she was carrying it so she decided to detain her. She yelled for help to the security guard who was talking on the phone ten yards away but who did nothing so she was finally forced to let the thief go when her husband came and wrestled her away with what sounded pretty close to what I would describe as physical force. The security showed up a few minutes later and said he had been too busy earlier but that if it was important she should fill out a report.

*I think she was a klepto who steals for the thrill because her husband seemed very used to dealing with the situation and they could obviously afford to pay for a stupid purse. I wonder if security didn't intervene because they looked like corporate bigwigs.

Quote of the Day: Henry David Thoreau

2010-06-22T08:57:00.000-07:00

"The wind has fairly blown me outdoors; the elements were so lively and active, and I so sympathized with them, that I could not sit while the wind went by. And I am reminded that we should especially improve the summer to live out-of-doors. When we may so easily, it behooves us to break up this custom of sitting in the house, for it is but a custom, and I am not sure that it has the sanction of common sense. A man no sooner gets up than he sits down again. Fowls leave their perch in the morning, and beasts their lairs, unless they are such as go abroad only by night. The cockerel does not take up a new perch in the barn, and he is the embodiment of health and common sense. Is the literary man to live always or chiefly sitting in a chamber through which nature enters by a window only? What is the use of the summer?"

I have my doubts that summer is finally here but it is nice to pretend once in a while.

Quote of the Day: Saint-John Perse

2010-06-21T12:50:00.000-07:00

"The only menace is inertia."

All right, let's see if I can remember how to do this.

After much insanity, it looks like life is getting back to normal. And by insanity, I mean traveling out town four weeks in a row (unusual for such a routine-loving person like myself), buying a house, and moving all my earthly possessions into it.

Before I fill you in on all that, I want to rant about a 5AM conference call I had this morning. Now, I start work at 6AM so 5 is not that early but due to bus schedules and other factors it does require me to rearrange my morning schedule quite a bit plus it is just unnatural to conduct business when it's still dark out. (This morning was not the best morning for any variations in my routine because I am still trying to set a new routine for the new house - ideally one that involves me not waking up my wife at 3:30 but no luck on that front so far.) We decided to schedule it that early because my main US contact said we had to do so his IT guy in India could join us. I only agreed because their company just bought another company thus making it very likely that they will need our product and he was so insistent about the time.

So I was already in a bad mood when I jumped on my conference line at 5AM because I was stressed out about riding a new bus (What if the other kids make fun of me?) and mad at myself for picking an ugly shirt because the lighting in the new house does not allow me to see the colors in my closet clearly without turning on a light. I really hate my green shirt. I used to think it was cool. Now, I just think it makes me look like an Easter Egg. So anyway, I started out in a bad mood and got an into in an even worse mood when the US contact who would actually use my product never showed up. Yeah, I have a pretty rough life. I'm almost like a pioneer.

I got into a mood as foul as the weather when I realized I was very familiar with with Indian IT guy I was left with. I used to call him a lot at my previous job. All he would ever say, "Is send documentation." I kid you not. It was like talking to a an Indian-accented brick wall. He wouldn't even say Hello or Goodbye. One time he emailed me and said he wanted to talk further and when I got him on the line he just repeated his request for more mythical documentation. It was so frustrating I just stopped calling the account. Well, guess what he said today? "Send documentation." I was ready to kill somebody. It's just unprofessional to set up a call and then blow it off. It's also plain rude.

On a fun note, my boss called me this morning from Vegas today and said, "I just got married. If you guys need anything this week, email me, or leave a voicemail. Cell phone reception is spotty in the hotel." I told him we would probably leave him alone for the week.

On another fun note, the woman I buy my roast turkey sandwiches from told me it was time for me to start having kids.

Quote of the Day: Ernest Hemingway

2010-06-04T08:56:00.000-07:00

“Never go on trips with anyone you do not love.”

This blog will only be updated sporadically for the next couple weeks because I have to go on a couple trips and move residences.

I don't really like traveling all that much so I am taking Hemingway's advice and going with someone I love. On my business trip this weekend I will be taking lots of books and next weekend I will be taking my wife - books and Stacey, my two great loves.

Don't feel too bad for me about having to work on the weekend because part of my business trip involves having an Iron chef champion cook a private meal in front of us in sunny Florida.

Quote of the Day: George Bernard Shaw

2010-06-03T13:55:00.000-07:00

"There is no love sincerer than the love of food."

Since eating out at good restaurants is one of my favorite sensual pleasures, I am happy to report that, as of today, my dry spell is over. Lately, every time I've tried to go out it seems like the fates have conspired to keep me and happiness from ever being together again. I'm not sure why I was being punished but discovering that my favorite burger place only tastes good in memory, waitresses refusing to serve riff-raf like us at highly-rated places, and not being able to find an ATM anywhere within a one mile radius of Red Mill after remembering it was cash only after waiting in line for ten minutes couldn't all have been coincidence.

Today, I went to a little place called Salumi http://www.salumicuredmeats.com/ only because the authentic Mexican kitchen I wanted to go no longer existed and I was pleasantly surprised. Apparently, it's owned by Mario Batali's parents who cure their own meats. I won't go into details in the interest of keeping this blog PG so let's just say the lamb and roasted red pepper sandwich was better than anything I could have ever dreamed of. I think I'll be full for the next two days.

On a completely opposite note, I figured out that I am now walking four miles every day in the morning before work. Luckily, I've also figured out how to put all that time to productive use by listening to tunes, reading books, and watching TV shows.

Quote of the Day: Henri Bergson

2010-06-02T13:56:00.000-07:00

"Think like a man of action and act like a man of thought."

I don't have much to say today so you have to put up with the Reader's Digest Condensed version of my thoughts.

The Seattle PI has a section on their police blotter blog where people can write in with legal questions. http://blog.seattlepi.com/seattle911/archives/198261.asp#extended Check out some of these questions. They are hilariously disturbing. I'm not sure I don't want to know what chain of thoughts led to this question about public nudity. http://blog.seattlepi.com/seattle911/archives/190110.asp?source=mypi Or this this one asking what the definition of a pimp is. http://blog.seattlepi.com/seattle911/archives/184877.asp

After months of whining and complaining, they finally put knives in the kitchen that can actually cut stuff. So now I guess I am okay with being green.

Today at the bus stop, a woman was passing some of the loudest gas I have ever heard in my life so now I know how Iceland felt a few weeks ago when the volcano exploded. She looked like she wanted to die when she realized she was not alone so I tried my best not to laugh out of politeness. I almost succeeded.

Quote of the Day: Walker Percy

2010-06-01T13:28:00.000-07:00

"The search is what anyone would undertake if he were not sunk in the everydayness of his own life. To become aware of the possibility of the search is to be onto something. Not to be onto something is to be in despair."

This Saturday, I went to the annual Sasquatch Musis Festival for my very first time. (I tried to go in years past but life kept conspiring to keep me away.) I hadn't been to the Gorge at George in a long time and I learned two shocking facts there. People smoke a lot of pot of concerts and I am almost too old to stand around in the hot sun for thirteen hours no matter how much I like the band. (I'ms kidding. I already knew that, now I just have objective proof thanks to my hamper that now smells like a big joint and the shooting pain in my lower body.) My little brother, on the other hand, seemed to suffer no ill effects from spending all day on the floor in front of the main staged pressed together with a billion other people

I really enjoyed all the shows I saw. I find it really interesting that so many of the performers wore suitcoats with tight jeans. Back in my day they wore T-shirts, flannels, and baggy jeans. Being cool was all about trying not to look cool.

I would have to say The National gave the best performance. They are as commanding a presence on stage as they are in my headphones. My Morning Jacket was a close second even if it felt like it dragged on a little since I was so tired at the end of the day. (I think the best test of a concert is if the performance is so good that it makes you want to go home and sit around listening to that band's whole catalogue in chronological order and both bands easily passed that test.) I am a little sad I missed most of The Hold Steady's set since they were on the same time as The National. I think I made the right choice by skipping Broken Social Scene to see the Posies because no matter how good the little bit of Broken Social Scene I heard sounded, my heart will always belong to early Nineties Seattle Rock.

So, all in all it was a good time. One of my favorite parts was when some random girl standing behind me pointed to the leader singer of a band on stage and yelled, "That's the guy I had sex." Her male companion look less than thrilled with the revelation. I think he was just mostly ashamed that they weren't even a very good band.

Quote of the Day: Kenneth Grahame

2010-05-28T11:22:00.000-07:00

"After all, the best part of a holiday is perhaps not so much to be resting yourself, as to see all the other fellows busy working."

I am one of the saps working today becaus I volunteered to help my co-worker out on a project.

Quote of the Day: Oscar Wilde

2010-05-27T13:35:00.000-07:00

"Only the shallow know themselves."

It must be "National Yell Like A Crazy Person Day" because I ran into three people doing that this morning and, boy, were they angry.

When I walked up to the bus stop, I found a guy yelling, "Get the Hell out of here. I mean it." There was no one around but me and he wasn't yelling at me. In fact, He was quite happy to see me. We even had a little conversation when he he asked me for the time.

"4:55AM."

"Really? It's so light I thought it was 7. Man, the days are getting long."

"I know. Pretty soon. It'll be the longest day of the year."

"Since when did they change it from June 21st? F---ing liar."

After that, Old Man River and I didn't talk a whole lot.

Quote of the Day: Anton Chekhov

2010-05-26T14:15:00.000-07:00

"The thirst for powerful sensations takes the upper hand both over fear and over compassion for the grief of others."

When I checked my caller-ID after I got back from lunch today, I noticed that somebody had called my work line without leaving a message. I couldn't quite place the name but since I knew I recognized it from somewhere I called back anyway. The woman who answered paused a little when I asked for NAME REDACTED. She said,"He huh... NAME REDACTED passed away. I was calling about your open sales job. Does it involve cold-calling and prospecting?" She promptly hung up when I told her it did. (Seriously, what sales job doesn't it? That's like saying you want to be a pilot without flying any airplanes.)

So anyway, I was still curious about recognizing the name so I did what anyone would do with unanswered questions: I asked Google. It turns out NAME REDACTED passed away in fairly tragic circumstances a few months ago which was why, I - a dedicated Seattle Times reader, recognized the name.

Quote of the Day: H.L. Mencken

2010-05-25T13:41:00.000-07:00

"There are people who read too much: the bibliobibuli. I know some who are constantly drunk on books, as other men are drunk on whiskey or religion. They wander through this most diverting and stimulating of worlds in a haze, seeing nothing and hearing nothing."

If you're a regular reader, you know all about the daydreaming problem that makes driving such a challenge for me. Now it appears that I can't even ride the bus correctly.

For the past six months, I have been reading books while I walk to and from the bus. This has greatly increased my quality of life by increasing the number of pages (or Kindle positions) read each day. However, lately an embarrassing problem has been developing. In the past three weeks, I have gotten on the wrong bus 2.5 times. Luckily, my wife doesn't laugh too much (out loud anyway) when she has to pick me up in a strange part of town. The problem is my book is so engrossing that I forget to look up. One time I even thought about looking up but didn't.

The good news is I will probably never do something desperate to escape the mundane pressures of being a grown-up because I do it in the pages of a book every day. Right now, I am escaping the craziness of my job by following Gustave Flaubert into 19th-Century Paris so no midlife crisis for me.