Quote of the Day: Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

“If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?"


Luckily you can do that with rats. It's turns out the aptly named Roof Rat is climbing up onto our roof and crawling in through an opening in our attic that the contractor accidentally created when they put on the new roof we requested they put on before we moved in. The rats have never made it into our house because they are quite happy in the attic warming themselves and breeding. So basically, the rats are using our house as a hostel/swingers club.

We hired an exterminator to take care of them so hopefully we will be rat free in a month or so. Before I learned so much about rats I had just assumed there was someone you could call that would find and kill any unwanted pests in your house on the spot. I also assumed this person would be a very limited actor with an Austrian accent. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Like most things in life rat removal is a process with very little fireworks and much drudgery. But like life it should pay off in the end.


PS
It has been a very rough week and I am glad that our rodent problem is one problem that has an easy solution.

Quote of the Day: Jeff Giles of Newsweek

"Grunge is what happens when children of divorce get their hands on guitars."


I've been conducting a little personal grunge revival this month because there's no better tonic than a little depressing music to get you through a long gray Northwest winter without losing your sanity. If it's hard-rocking and was recorded in Seattle between 1985 and 1995 there is a good chance it's on my iPhone. I am not just talking about the old standbys like Pearl Jam, Screaming Trees, Nirvana, Alice in Chains, and Soundgarden but also the obscure stuff I wish I'd known about sooner like Mudhoney, Green River, the Melvins, Tad, Love Battery, Gruntruck, U-Men, and Skin Yard. I promise that's the last of the music talk today since I know it probaby interests less than one percent of my ever dwindling readership.



When I interviewed for my current job a few months ago, my CEO said, "This will be the hardest three to six months of your professional career. Are you mentally ready for that?" Of course, I said yes. Turns out he wasn't lying but neither was I. Working for a start-up in a new role is fun because you get to invent the job from scratch. Sometimes, working for a start-up in a new role is fun because you get to invent the job from scratch. It's been challenging but I have done well and I think we are turning the corner as a company even if some weeks - like the last one - make you want to jump out a window. I not only made it through, but I did it without kicking a single puppy or binge eating even once to make myself feel better. I also totally rocked a company presentation last week at our quarterly meeting.





One thing that helps get me through the day are the crazy inbound and outbound calls I deal with. Since we are too small for a receptionist every call is routed to the inside sales department which consists solely of me. This guy with a very abrasive east coast accent called up the other day and said, "Can I talk to your CEO?"


"He's not here and he is pretty busy."


"Well, I have some clients who want to use your solution and I have a question about it."


"Great, I am on the inside sales team. Why don't you tell me a little bit about it."


"No offense but you are not qualified to handle this."


"I do this every day."


"Just get me your CEO. There's a lot of money involved."


"Well if the deal warrants it I can get our EVP of Sales involved."


"Not good enough. How many people do you have there? Is your company really that big that he doesn't have the time to call me back?"


"Well, I handle the sales process for him and our EVP of Sales handles pricing for him."

"You know what, I bet you guys can't even handle my business. Either that or your CEO just doesn't care. If he did he would have called me back by now."

Guess who we are not doing business with?

I think it was a scam anyway because I looked him up on LinkedIn and he works at some rinky-dink two person company. By the way, for those of you coming here for sales tips, here's one: Insulting people is not a best practice to win their business.



I was also the annoying sales guy myself last month. I had been calling this guy at one of the largest companies in our target industry when John Doe finally said, "You know I looked at your information a little more and I think Jane Does would be your best contact. I'll give you her number and e-mail. Tell her I sent you." I did and we set up a call.

Things went downhill from there.

When I finally got her on the phone she said, "John says he doesn't know you. This sounds like a scam."

So I left a message for John and sent him an e-mail asking him to vouch for me with her CC'ed on it. He replied back a week later without CC'ing her on it and wrote, "I told you to talk to Jane, not me." I replied back that it would be helpful if he would talk to Jane again.

I talked to Jane again and she said that once again John said he had no idea who I was. I got a little frustrated so I forwarded her all our e-mail correspondence as proof and she said "all this e-mailing is making me uncomfortable" as if I was pretending to be a Nigerian prince or something. She said she would only talk to me if John was on the call too.

I emailed John once again asking for his help and this time he replied back so she could see too. He wrote, "Collin, I have already told you we are not interested in your solution."

Your guess is as good as mine.



That's it for today. I promise I will have more posts soon and they may actually be exciting next time. For instance, our bathroom remodel is almost done.

Quote of the Day: Freidric Nietzsche

"Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent."


If there is one subject I am well acquainted with it is "women." I was raised by one, grew up with too many to count, made friends with several, worked with many, lusted and chased after a few, had my heart broken by a couple, broke a few of their hearts myself, dated a few, and eventually married one. I must be a slow learner because even with all that exposure it took me almost thirty-two years to realize just how unfair life is to the female of the species.

It's sad but true but so much of woman's place in life and personal happiness can be directly traced back to the man she chooses to attempt to romantically attach herself to. (No, the purpose of this post is not to say that all the chicks who turned me down made a huge mistake. I mean it's true but that's not my point today.) Lately, I have just noticed that all the women I know have very different lives because they either married or want to marry very different types of men. So much can be explained by the men in their lives that it's really quite disturbing: geographical location, household income, social circles, religion (sometimes), emotional health, number of children, career paths, and almost anything else you can think of. Obviously, I am generalizing here but I think my observation holds true a majority of the time. I don't care where you fall on the independent\feminist scale either. I know plenty of smart, successful, "liberated" women who yoke themselves to misery by having and indulging a horrible taste in men. The whole thing is really not fair.

Man, I hope I never have daughters because that's too much responsibility. Now I know why men are so worried about what kind of men their daughters end up marrying. If I ever do have one, I will buy a shotgun for the sole purpose of cleaning it at opportune moments.

Anyway, it's just something I have been thinking about lately and I also thought it would be fun to herald my return to blogging with a controversial post.



On a related note, I am not too sure I am happy with being a man either this weekend because it means I feel responsible for ridding our house of the pestilence that has invaded it. We have a mouse living in the walls of our house right next to our bed. The good thing is it's only one and he hasn't gotten into our food yet. The bad thing is we can't get to him because he lives inside the wall itself and we can't find his hole. We can't put poison in the wall because then we would have to deal with a corpse. (We are not messing around with any non-lethal options because I learned my wife is not a rodent fan - to put it mildy.) We have put traps all over the place to no avail. Stacey finally just came up with a plan that's just crazy enough to work. We are going to took off the faceplate of one of the electrical sockets in our spare bedroom, shut the door, put food and traps all over the place, and wait.

Quote of the Day: Jim Rohn

“Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time.”


I know a major question on your mind as we start the new year is: Why doesn't Collin blog more? A lack of time, pure and simple. I had been pretty faithful up until three months ago when I changed jobs. I even kept it going through my courtship, engagement, and first year of marriage. I was proud of myself for not being one of those people who stops blogging or interacting online with the rest of the world when they get into a serious relationship. (You know who you are, and yes, I am looking right at you.)

My last job gave me a lot of freedom to do things like take long lunch breaks because I could be the top performer in my department without taxing my mind too much. Although I was making very good money, that got old after a while so I bailed when I was told that the management position I had been groomed to take over for the past year no longer existed due to the financial state of the company.

My new job is a lot of work and it challenges my mind everyday which is why I chose it in the the first place. Unfortunately, I am so worn out sometimes that I have had to let my fiction slide - let alone my blogging - and anyone who know me wells knows how important my fiction is. I would like to say my New Year's Resolution is to blog more but I don't like to lie when my lies can be be fact-checked so easily. I do have some longer posts coming up but tonight the following digest will have to suffice.


I am so glad the holiday season is over. I love my routine and the holidays are all about breaking up your routine. Well, I find my rut quite pleasant, thank you very much.


I did enjoy the part of the holidays where I got to eat junk food and see old friends I wished lived this Seasonally Affected City. (You also know who you are.)


My real New Years Resolution is to lose these pesky extra 20 LBS. Anything more than that will require cosmetic surgery to remove my excess skin. Turns out the body is not meant to get up to 408 LBS and then back down t0 223 LBS. It stretches out the skin a bit. (I guess gaining the additional 185 pounds is the real problem not the losing of it.)


We got a new Primary class today. I think it should be easier to handle than last year's because they are mostly boys. Boys may be rowdy but they are pack animals so all you have to do to get them to obey is establish your dominance as the alpha male. Girls, to say the least, are a little more complicated.


When did I become bad at making and keeping friends?* Stacey and I helped the only couple we met and became friends with after we got married move out of town this weekend so now we are back to square one. I am not sure what happened but I swear I used to have friends. I'm not saying I was Zack Morris or anything but I used to get invited places and I always had people to hang out all throughout my twenties but not anymore. (For instance, Stacey and I would have had nothing to do on New Year's Eve if the power-that-be hadn't asked us to chaperon the youth dance.) We are just not good at making friends with other couples and I never hear anything from my single friends anymore.** Maybe we need to be more proactive now that we are married. Being charming used to be enough but I guess now I need to plan things or something. I assume the single friends who still remember me must think we are too busy being "doing married stuff" to want to enjoy their company now and then. Stacey and I entertain each other quite well most of the time but sometimes a little variety is nice. Maybe I should throw a birthday party next month. I'll bring cheese and let you tour my house. Come on, it'll be fun.




*I am not broken up about this. I just find it to be an interesting development, I am sure a lot of it is due to us not quite adjusting to a family ward (congregation) after being in singles wards for nearly ten years. Don't worry, people still think I am witty and charming. They just don't care.

**This doesn't apply to all my single friends. Some still invite us places and I need to return the favor soon. I also realize there are some people I dropped the ball with that I need to get back in touch with.

Quote of the Day: Friedrich Nietzsche

"I love those who do not know how to live for today."


When I was a teenager I used to like to cause trouble by doing things the legal codes the State of Washington likes to define as "malicious mischief." (Sorry, no details because I know both parental units read this blog.) Now I mostly like to cause it with my words both of the written and oral variety. This week though I accidentally kicked it old-school and as a result I can never show my face in the Edmonds McDonald's ever again which is all right because I have been there exactly once in my life. (I despise McDonald's. I will never eat a hamburger from there, even if I am starving. It's blasphemy to call those things by that name.)

Last Monday, Stacey and I decided to hit the drive-thru for some kind of sugary treat because it had been that kind of a day. Stacey got an ice cream cone and I ordered a caramel frappe. I was under the impression it would not have coffee in it because when you order that drink at Starbucks it does not contain coffee. I was cool with that because I don't drink coffee. Anyway, my drink had a distinct coffee taste so I went in to complain after determining that it did indeed have coffee.

The manager was less than sympathetic to my plight. He said, "You ordered that."

"I know but I did not know it had coffee in it."

"Well it does. It comes with coffee."

"Could I have one without coffee then?"

"No, you ordered it, sir."

"I don't want the coffee."

"Well, the mix comes with coffee, sir."

"Really?" (I am still confused why there is a mocha caramel frappe and a caramel frappe if they both contain coffee.) Can I get my money back or exchange it?" At this point I was just trying to save face. He was very smug and it had been a long day.

"You can buy a hot chocolate. It has chocolate in it."

"Thanks for your help," I said as I walked off.

On the way out, I went to throw my frappe away in the garbage but I missed. Turns out the can had one of those really small openings and frappe went everywhere. All over me, all over the floor, all over the door, the tables of innocent bystanders, and back on the counter.

You know how in old Westerns the bar gets real quiet before the gunfight starts? That's how it felt. With everyone staring at me like that it was clearly the calm before the storm. I inched my way towards the door but thought better of running once I got there so I turned around and said, "That was an accident. Sorry." I made a move towards the counter and the manager turned his back on me while everyone else bore holes through my head with their dagger eyes.

So anyway, my primitive reptile brain kicked in and I hightailed it out of there. I jumped into the car and said, "Go before the cops get here. I can never go back there." I almost expected my friends from high school to be there instead of my wife. Stacey just laughed and said no one was calling the cops for something that silly.

She sounded like she knew what she was talking about but that didn't stop me from singing Rage Against the Machine to myself as I lay in bed wondering how the next day was going to go down. Where the cops going to get me before someone recognized the company logo on my jacket and e-mailed my CEO?

Five days later, it's clear she was right and no one really cared about something so petty. That was good news to my adult self but my teenage self is a little sad that all the stuff I did with my friends in high school wasn't as hardcore as I thought it was. I bet no one even called the cops on us once. Sad.

Quote of the Day: JG Ballard

"The marriage of reason and nightmare which has dominated the 20th century has given birth to an ever more ambiguous world. Across the communications landscape move the specters of sinister technologies and the dreams that money can buy."


Yeah, I am not very good at this blogging thing. There's a lot going on with my new job and my personal life which has consisted mostly of learning how to file a homeowner's claim after living in my house for only five months.

Anyway, a lot has happened in the past two months. I know I promised a long time ago to tell you about the horrible customer service experience of our anniversary weekend so here goes.

We stayed at the Roosevelt in Seattle where the toilet broke, the front desk attendant told me I was welcome to go to another hotel if I wanted the upgrade my package came with and that he already gave my wife our dining certificate when he hadn't. Yeah, he was a joy. I honestly hadn't done anything, I was just being my usual charming self. It all worked out because we complained about him and got a pretty decent discount.

They restaurant we went to that night ignored us for over forty-five minutes. (Stuff like this happens to us a lot actually. I think maybe we look like the small town rubes we really are underneath it all or we look cheap because we don't order wine.) Anyway, we finally got served. I did have to take my shirt off to get their attention but I was cool with that because I'd been working out.

Then went to the worst crepe place in the world. The crepes were made by a real French woman who was rude enough to remind me of Paris. Unfortunately, she cooked like a truck stop waitress. Trust me, the condescension is a lot less charming when it's not backed up by exquisite food.

Overall, we did have a good time because there is nothing more pleasurable than complaining about something you ultimately enjoyed. We also now have a portrait of ourselves hanging in our living room or at least it will be once we get it framed.

Quote of the Day: Jonathan Swift

"When you think of the world give it one lash the more at my request. I have ever hated all nations, professions, and communities, and all my love is towards individuals: for instance, I hate the tribe of lawyers, but I love Counsellor Such-a-one, and Judge Such-a-one . . . . But principally I hate and detest that animal called man, although I heartily love John, Peter, Thomas, and so forth. This is the system upon which I have governed myself many years, but do not tell.”

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I had an epiphany the other day while I was walking to lunch with a friend

We were accosted by a blind homeless man who asked us where the DMV was. ("You know, the place where you get your licensed renewed?" is a direct quote.) After we decided we weren't on some kind of hidden camera show, we gave him directions and went on our way. We were kind enough not to point out that he was standing right next to a sign pointing the way.

Afterwards, I realized that this homeless man was you, dear reader -lost and confused and left to your own devices in the cold, cold world. Sorry for not blogging more and gracing you with my pearls of wisdom. I promise that I will be more faithful starting next week. I may post something more substantial tomorrow if I have time.

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Well, it's official. Everybody at my new job thinks I am insane because I lost 185 LBS, get up at 3:30 AM, walk four miles everyday, and read books while I walk. (They seemed more concerned about the potential health hazards of my book-light innovation than impressed by my ingenuity.) They also know I rule on the phones but I fear that information will be lost underneath all this intensity that smaller minds mistake for insanity/OCD. I am not sure how they got all this information out of me but they did.

One time in high school this crazy kid who wanted to beat me up for making wisecracks in his general direction told me, "Someday you'll learn to shut that big mouth of yours." Guess he was wrong.

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Anyway, that's all for tonight. I do have a couple decent posts coming up so stay tuned.