Quote of the Day: Garrison Keiler

"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together."

This is probably my last post for the year because I am heading out to Idaho in a few hours. I've even got my special airport slip-ons on because tying my shoes is one of me least favorite tasks. I get stage fright when people are watching me do it too.

By the way, I am so excited about riding the light rail that I am sure I am way past the geekiness threshold.

Recently, I figured out a way to write fiction on my iPhone that I am currently pioneering to perfection. I can just email documents to myself and compose them wherever I happen to be. This is going to be great. Now I have one more tool in my arsenal to help me ignore the world around me so I can focus on my rich inner-life. I figure more and more people read on mobile devices so I might as well see what my work is going to look like in that medium before other people do.

Today, I answered the age-old question about what happen when you put Diet 7-up and Crystal Light in the same bottle and shake vigorously. Guess what happen? You get sprayed in the eye with red liquid, the same red liquid you have to wipe up off your desk. I kid you not. I think I was legally blind for a split-second. I was really seeing red there for a minute.

I am going to this place (http://www.supersizedmeals.com/food/article.php/20070208-Big_Burger_Boise_Idaho) tonight because I figure when it comes to breaking your diet, it's either "Go Big or Go Home."


Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Let's try to remember their Christian meaning and not their Pagan meaning.


PS
Next year I will be more diligent with my blog. I know I have been phoning it in since my wedding but that ends January 4th. I will be back.

Quote of the Day: Jack Handy (SNL)

"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books."

I discovered a new author a few weeks ago. His names is Tim Winton and he is from Australia. Apparently, he's quite well known over there but not here which is why it took me so long to hear of him. As soon as I read the first 100 pages of his novel "Cloudstreet" I knew I would have to read everything he's ever written even if I was a little confused about the characters in the story celebrating Christmas in the summertime until I remembered that whole southern hemisphere thing. His latest book "Breath" should be here soon. It should be good. It's some kind of Christian/Surfing novel.


Does anybody else have a toothbrush guy at work? I do and I have grown to loathe his very presence. He hogs all the sink space in the bathroom for like 15 minutes every morning. Why does he have to do that right when he gets in? Does he commute to work in the back of a Hostess truck? I suspect his real motive is to make the rest of us feel bad for not being so orally health-conscious which could explain why we hate him because nobody likes a self-righteous show-off. "Oh, look at you, you're just so much better than the rest of us who floss with licorice and gargle with Mountain Dew." Someday I am going to hold him down and make him swallow pure high-fructose corn syrup. I'm thinking Hawaiian Punch Concentrate might be just what the doctor ordered.


I found this amusing so too bad if nobody else does. A few years ago, I sent some flowers to my friend Sharon on her birthday. Ever since, I have been besieged with emails from ProFlowers telling me to buy here more flowers regardless of the occasions. They really amp up the number of emails during the month of her birthday. They must have finally realized recently that if I hadn't responded in two years they needed to change their tactics a little because they wrote, "2 Great Offers! Two great offers, 1 great gift for Sharon or anyone special!" Now I get lots of emails reminding me that they don't have to be just for Sharon. It's like they are trying to make up for committing some horrible social faux pas after they realized we may not a couple. I keep expecting them to offer to send her a horse's head for me along with my divorce proceedings.

Quote of the Day: Lao Tzu

“Silence is a source of great strength.”

Quote of the Day: G.K. Chesterton

"If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly."


So that's what I am doing today.

Quote of the Day: Gustave Flaubert

"I can imagine nothing in the world preferable to a nice, well-heated room, with the books one loves and the leisure one wants."

So I ran into some French people unsuccessfully trying to get money out of an ATM machine today. At first, I was annoyed because they were holding everybody up and I only had five minutes before I had to jump on a call. But then I remembered the time in Paris on my honeymoon when I couldn't access my money and I realized that was the wrong attitude to have. I shouldn't be impatient because someone is inconveniencing me when there the ones that are stranded in a strange foreign city all by themselves. Instead, I should be happy that they are French. It serves them right. I can't prove it but they looked suspiciously like the Parisian mother and son combo who laughed at us for eating too much of the free breakfast that morning we were starving because we had no money to buy food.

Sorry I have not been blogging too much. I've just been slammed at work and not with good things like prospect meetings. I have had two or three internal meeting a day because we are doing a bit of restructuring here. It's more of a sales process redesign than a personnel one. Still, it would be nice to know what I am getting paid right now as I type this.

Quote of the Day: Noel Coward

"Work is much more fun than fun."


Luckily, that's what I am doing today.


Anna, I swear I'll do a real post soon.

Quote of the Day: Samuel Johnson

"He who has so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in fruitless efforts."


I have no time today.


By the way, the quote yesterday was by Herodotus not Thucydides. I've always had trouble telling my ancient Greek historians apart.

Quote of the Day: Herodotus

"The greatest pain a man can suffer is to have insight over much and power over nothing."


Sunday School did not go so bad this week.

Quote of the Day: Samuel Johnson

"Hope is itself a species of happiness, and, perhaps, the chief happiness which this world affords."

I believe the Seattle Times may have a race problem. Check this out.

Here's a review I read this morning of this movie Invictus which is about the Nobel Laureate and former South African leader Nelson Mandela.

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/movies/2010474493_mr11invictus.html?cmpid=2628

And here's a screenshot of how the bottom of the story looked this morning. (Check out the bottom where it suggests similar stories I might also enjoy.)

Some of the suggestions make sense, the baseball one is just weird, but the one about Maurice Clemmons blows my mind. In case you don't know, Maurice Clemmons is the crazy guy who killed all those cops down in Tacoma who was later killed himself by the police. About the only thing his story has in common with the movie is that they both involve black people. I'm not one to call racism very often but this is too suspicious to let slide. Apparently the Seattle Times though so too because they later removed the link. I'm sure a faulty algorithm somewhere is to blame but it's still quite funny.

Quote of the Day: Christina Rossetti

"Better by far you should forget and smile that you should remember and be sad."


Sometimes, I think I work at a strange place.

Today, someone said, "Stop moaning so much when I'm trying to leave a message."

Another person said, "Once I took off all my clothes for a cookie."

At our Christmas party last weekend, we basically had a burlesque troupe providing the entertainment because nothing says "Merry Christmas" like scantily clad-girls on stilts grinding provocatively together. (Here's a fun side not in keeping with this week's theme of homeless defecation. My co-worker found a box of excrement blocking his car door after the party.)

I also think I may have increased the weirdness quotient today when I found myself pretending that my banana was a gun. Luckily no one was injured before I subdued myself.

Quote of the Day: Travis Chlarson (My Father)

"I consider Christmas just a disruption of normal business operations." My dad may not remember saying it but I sure do because it was pretty funny. He said it a few years ago to a customer over the phone on Christmas Eve. I'm sure he was half-joking but it does bring up a good point; sales can be a very lonely occupation during the holiday season. No one calls you back. There are no emails in your in-box, not even of the "Take Me Off Your List" variety. Most people are on vacation or too busy to schedule meetings. You can almost forget about hitting quota when you need money for Christmas shopping the most. I talked to a very interested prospect yesterday who wanted to meet with my company and we had to schedule the meeting for the 30th because that was the only day this month both of our teams would be in the office.



I am a little bored today so I thought I would deconstruct a few beloved secular Christmas songs. That's right, bad Collin is out in full force today.



The first up on the list is "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." Pay attention to how dark and fatalistic the original version is. It's the perfect song to listen to while you drink yourself into a numbing oblivion. You can see that there are now now three versions that get progressively more upbeat with each one. We have three versions because Judy Garland refused to sing the original one in "Meet Me in St. Louis" unless they changed the lyrics so they did and Frank Sinatra took that one and made it even more saccharine and sappy. I have highlighted a few noteworthy phrases in each version. The most important theme to note is that in the first one the good things in life are what are disappearing and by the time we get to Old Blue Eye's version our troubles are what's disappearing. It's too bad because I have always liked philosophical implications of the phrase "muddle through." There's nothing wrong with a little stoicism.











ORIGINAL VERSION
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
It may be your last
Next year we may all be living in the past
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Pop that champagne cork
Next year we may all be living in New York
No good times like the olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who were dear to us
Will be near to us no more
But at least we all will be together
If the Lord allows
From now on, we'll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now

JUDY GARLAND VERSION
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
Next year all our troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yuletide gay
Next year all our troubles will be miles away
Once again as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who were dear to us
Will be near to us once more
Someday soon we all will be together
If the fates allow
Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now

FRANK SINATRA VERSION
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
From now on, our troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yuletide gay
From now on, our troubles will be miles away
Here we are as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more
Through the years we all will be together
If the fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now





Next up on the list is "Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer." I don't have much to add on this one other than that I am pretty sure that Grandpa killed Grandma and his dutiful grandson is trying to provide an alibi. I imagine this one taking place in a police interrogation room. (I also may have a sick mind.)



grandma got runover by a reindeer
walking home from our house christmas eve
you could say theres no such thing as santa
but as for me and grandpa we believe
she'd been drinking too much egg nog
and we begged her not to go
but she forgot her medication
and she staggered out the door into the snow
when we found her the Christmas morning
at the scene of the attack
she had hoofprints on her fore head
and incriminating Clause marks on her back
grandma got runover by a reindeer
walking home from our house christmas eve
you could say theres no such thing as santa
but as for me and grandpa we believe
now we're all so proud of grandpa
he's been taking this so well
see him in there watching football
drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Nel
its not christmas without grandma
all the family's dressed in black
and we just cant help but wonder
should we open up her gifts or send them back?
(send them back!)
grandma got runover by a reindeer
walking home from our house christmas eve
you could say theres no such thing as santa
but as for me and grandpa we believe
now the goose is on the table
and the pudding made of fig (ah!)
and the blue and silver candles
that would just have matched the hair in grandmas wig
i've warned all our friends and neighbours
better watch out for yourselves
they should never give a license
to a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves
grandma got runover by a reindeer
walking home from our house christmas eve
you could say theres no such thing as santa
but as for me and grandpa we believe
(sing it grandpa!)
grandma got runover b

Quote of the Day: Mozart

An adolescent asked Mozart how to compose symphonies. Mozart said that because the lad was so young, perhaps he should begin composing ballads. "But," the young man objected, "you wrote symphonies when you were only 10 years old." Mozart replied: "But I didn't have to ask how."

I stole this quote from a Newsweek column because I am too busy to do anything else. Perhaps, later this week I can tell you a great work story when the dust clears.

Quote of the Day: Elaine from Seinfeld

"We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder." That's what Elaine says when Jerry asks her what girls do instead of giving people wedgies.


I got a new calling at church last week that I can finally make public. I am now the Sunday School teacher for the 14 and 15 year-olds. I've taught Sunday School many times before but the age group is new. Yesterday, I taught my first lesson with mixed results. I just assumed it wouldn't be all that different from teaching adults and that they would hang on my every word, enthralled. Turns out that didn't quite happen and I doubt it ever happened with the adults either . They spent a good part of the time talking with each other about random nonsense like all teenagers do. There were even a few wisecracks made at my expense which is probably payback for my teenage years. The class only consisted of seven girls because the three boys were absent so that may have explained the incessant talking. Other than one "mean girl" type comment about someone's brown shoes they all seemed like fairly nice kids. I just had a hard time keeping them on track because they liked to talk so much. I need to remember that church is just as much a social experience for kids as it is for adults. The only difference is that I could ignore the adults talking amongst themselves because the classroom was so much bigger. I think I need to be firmer next time about shutting up. I must have looked pretty weak and pathetic because the biggest talker came up afterwards and apologized for talking so much.

We did have some good times. They told me I was dumb for losing my ring after six weeks of marriage. They seemed to enjoy some parts of my lesson because we got a pretty good discussion going at the end. They laughed at my jokes too so they can't be all bad.

So now I have a new mission in life: figure out how to teach this kids. And if that's too much, then learning how to survive forty-five minutes with them without having a nervous breakdown. I think I am going to be relying on Stacey's kid expertise a lot. Things should go better if I could a little tougher with the girls and be more flexible with my lesson plan and just go where the discussion leads.

This experience has made me realize that I was darn lucky to make it out of my teenage years without one of my religious or secular teachers strangling me. Sometimes, I was more interested with causing mischief and cracking jokes than with paying attention. Okay, a lot of the time. I think of one poor guy who seemed to have some kind of teaching responsibility over me at church from the time I was twelve until the time I turned eighteen. Man, I must have been a pain.


Still, a hectic Sunday School lesson sure beats walking to your building in twenty-degree weather to find the sidewalk iced over because it had to be pressure-washed to remove "something even" worse than vomit. According to the shopkeeper downstairs, the entryway had to be cleaned because some homeless person had used it as his personal toilet all weekend.


Update:
The other hopeful sign with the girls was that they strongly encouraged me to teach lessons off my iPhone.

Quote of the Day: Thomas Carlyle

"A man lives by believing something: not by debating and arguing about many things."

I don't have much to say today. There are big doings at work that I can't talk about yet.

Quote of the Day: Thomas Mann

"Nothing is stranger, more delicate, than the relationship between people who know each other only by sight - who encounter and observe each other daily, even hourly, and yet are compelled by the constraint of convention or by their own temperament to keep up the pretence of being indifferent strangers, neither greeting nor speaking to each other. Between them is uneasiness and overstimulated curiosity, the nervous excitement of an unsatisfied, unnaturally suppressed need to know and to communicate; and above all, too, a kind of strained respect. For man loves and respects his fellow man for as long as he is not yet in a position to evaluate him, and desire is born of defective knowledge."


While, I can't say that I love all my fellow bus passengers they have become more interesting in the past few weeks. I am not sure why but my afternoon bus has become full of gangsters, druggies, homeless people, and general ne'er-do-wells. These people can be very loud and a little intimidating so they make the bus feel very full even if it's not. I have also learned that some of them do not have the same concept of personal space that I do. For instance, I do not think it's appropriate to grab strangers no matter how much your intoxicated state demands that you grab onto something to stop your maniacal swaying.

Yesterday, one of those guys almost ran into me but luckily he ran into the rail by the door first. I have not seen someone that high for a long time. He was higher than a kite on the space shuttle. So anyway, he swayed there for a minute before falling down to his knees and mumbling obscenities. He then proceeded to empty the contents of his pockets out onto the floor. They included a coupple vials of prescription drugs, a very used Kleenex, some cigarettes, a baggie full of white powder, and a homemade crack pipe. I did have to admire the ingenuity he demonstrated by being so creative with nothing more than common household items and electrical tape. He stayed there on his knees until we came to the next stop. He had trouble getting off because he kept dropping his stuff. He held up traffic for quite a while until a young thug kicked him out of the way.

People like that and the woman who has a new boyfriend everyday that she likes to tell stories to in a very loud voice that usually involve getting high, sleeping with people, and using the N-word very loudly make me appreciate my iPod, or my escapepod as I call it, even more.


PS
Although, after being hit by a car yesterday, maybe I should be grateful for the bus because at least no cars can get me there.

Quote of the Day: Norman Mailer

"Writer’s block is only a failure of the ego."

I don't have a lack of ego today just a lack of time.

Quote of the Day: James Michener

"We are never prepared for what we expect."

So I broke down yesterday and bought a new wedding ring. It turns out I had dropped a full ring size since I bought the first one which could explain how it slipped off my hand. I'll tell you one thing, I'm sure glad polygamy is no longer practiced because I wouldn't be able to afford that many rings.

I'm pretty sure I saw a future career criminal at the jewelry store. (Luckily, he was white so I don't feel too guilty for stereotyping him like I've done.) He was probably about eighteen or nineteen and he looked like the kind of person Eminem would have been if he wasn't a rapper. He was dressed like a thug, he had a little girl with him I'm sure was his, and was quite obviously high as a kite. He was buying a three hundred dollar watch as a present for a friend that he paid for out of a huge roll of hundreds. (Now here's a guy who can afford multiple wedding rings.) I mean seriously, how else could a kid that age have that much money? He also just gave off a bad vibe. A different bad vibe than the one that trust-fund kids give off. Yeah, I know I shouldn't stare at people so hard but sometimes I just can't help it.

Today, I realized that nothing makes me feel more alienated from my fellow citizens like reading the iTunes Top 10 list does.

PS
Sorry my blog is so boring lately. I'll get my mojo back soon enough.