Quote of the Day: William Penn

"Time is what we want most, but what we use worst."


I swear if I had more time right now I would use it wisely to do important things like blog.

All right, folks, this is it. Next time I blog I will be married.

Later.

Quote of the Day: Gabriel Garcia Marquez

"Life is not what one lived, but rather what one remembers, and how it is remembered to tell the tale."


Ironically, I have nothing much to say today and it's not because not much is going on. Lot's of stuff is going on because I am getting married in three days (That's three American Days). I am just a little too excited to focus long enough to write much of a post.

I should repeat that I am excited but not nervous. It's funny, because everybody keeps asking me if I am, even complete strangers. I can honestly say that I'm not. I am antsy though to make sure the whole thing comes off without a hitch. I think we're all set after this week because Stacey finally met the one person who's approval I needed.

She finally met the women downstairs I buy a banana and Diet Mountain Dew* from every day and she got the stamp of approval. (As I type this, I realize I don't know her name which is pretty pathetic.) The next day my banana-dealer told me I better remember how lucky I am that somebody's marrying me and she told me we needed to get a joint bank account after we got married. I told her we would but she needed to understand that may affect how much money I spend every day at her store on Diet Mountain Dew. Some people may feel that $10 a day is excessive.

I hope you guys are preparing yourself to go a couple weeks without my wit and knowledge because tomorrow will be my last post for a couple weeks. I will be back by at least November 2nd.





*Diet Mountain Dew is awesome.

Quote of the Day: Alexander Pope

"A person who is too nice an observer of the business of the crowd, like one who is too curious in observing the labor of bees, will often be stung for his curiosity."


So I've been riding a bus with the same guy for over a year now and he's been reading the same book the whole time. This book fascinates me for several reasons. It's very thin but he's still not even halfway through it so either he is the world's slowest reader or that is no ordinary book. I noticed he would read a page a day and then close it so I began to suspect it was some kind of daily prayer book. My suspicions were confirmed when I saw him reading one of the Psalms out of it. The next day though I was less sure because I saw him reading the ancient Anglo-Saxon poem Beowulf from it. Now I am very confused and I fear that too much time has gone by for me not to look like a weirdo by asking him what he's reading.

Does anybody have any thoughts on what he's reading? I must know and I vow to travel to the ends of the earth to find out.

Quote of the Day: François Mauriac

"Men resemble great deserted palaces: the owner occupies only a few rooms and has closed-off wings where he never ventures."

I think corporate bathroom culture is one subject that too few scholars have studied over the years. I'm serious. Lots of stuff goes on in the bathroom that can affect your career in the corporate world. For me, it's one of the only places where I actually have personal interaction with the executives at my company that goes beyond banal corporate-speak. Maybe it has something to do with the democratizing effect that all of us having our flies open at the same time provides. I think most people feel the need to talk to help the whole bodily function thing overcome its inherent awkwardness.

To become a successful bathroom schmoozer I've had to overcome a serious personal handicap. I know absolutely nothing about sports which, sadly, is what many guys open conversations with. There is one guy who doesn't even try to talk to me any more because the first time we ran into each other I told him I was too busy reading a book when he asked me if I'd seen the previous night's game. Over time, I have learned to avoid sports conversations by presumptively starting one about a relevant business topic. (At least, I'm still cooler than Mr. OCD toothbrusher who manages to make us all feel guilty and disgusted at the same time.)

The pinnacle of my success came last week when I got invited to hang out with my Executive Vice President to talk about Europe. You see, he used to live there and I'm going there for the next two weeks so he offered to give me a few pointers. It all started because during a mid-urination conversation about my quota, I told him I was glad I just hit it because I was going to be gone the last half of the month. By the way, I should mention the guy kind of scares me so I haven't scheduled time with him yet but I think shall later this week.

So anyway, that's my cursory attempt at exploring bathroom subculture. Don't even get me started on elevators.

Quote of the Day: Michael Hammond

"One of the main problems in this world is that people think they have "right.""


Yesterday was pretty exciting because some guy threatened to beat me up. I'd like to say he got mad at me simply over an unwanted phone call I didn't even make but I am self-reflective enough to realize I escalated the situation by being a smart-aleck. (Shocking, I know.) He hit one of my pressure points so I pushed back because I was already have a stressful day. I've been making a living by calling strangers on the phone for almost ten years now and one of my pet peeves is when people think that the "Do Not Call List" means that no one they don't know will ever call them again. I have always worked in exempt industries and never been shy about pointing that out when people threaten to sue me or have me put in jail.

Here's how it went down. I was sitting at my desk innocently surfing the web when I got a phone call from a local number. I picked it up because no one else on my team got it.

"I'm calling the attorney general on you people." (Never a good way to start a phone call if you want someone's help.)
"What for?"
"You guys keep calling me for no reason."
"Do you owe company X money?" (One of our collections applications is having problems so this happens every once in while.)
"Yes, but I called X and they've never heard of you."
"Well, I know we are a vendor so that person was mistaken."
"This is a scam."
"We are more of a behind the scenes company so some customer service rep probably wouldn't know our name."
"I googled you and it's all over the Internet about how you're a scam."
"I can assure you we are a real company. We work with several Fortune 100 companies."
"Stop lying."
"Why don't I transfer you to the account manager?"
"No, can't you guys just stop calling me every day?"
"Yeah, just pay your bill."
"I don't have to. I'm calling the Better Business Bureau instead."
"What for?"
"For violating my rights. I am on the Do Not Call List."
"What rights? We are not covered under the Do Not Call List. The Do Not Call list does not mean no unwanted phone calls ever again." (Wouldn't life be grand if it did?)
"Well, you 're still violating my privacy."
I was mad at this point because he was yelling and I had other stuff to do like blog. "Maybe you're violating company X's rights by not paying your bill."
"I'm going to come down there and kick your a_ _. I know you're address."
"Great, make sure you ask for Collin."
He then hung up.
I am happy to report that the aforementioned body part is still here in one piece and looking good.


Yeah, I was kind of a jerk. I shouldn't have let him get to me like I did. I just couldn't stand that toxic combination of self-righteousness and entitlement. I mean, seriously. Here's a guy who owes somebody money who thinks no one should ever bother him about it because he has "rights." The thing with rights is that the only work it they come with responsibility. If he couldn't pay because of financial hardship he should have called them and worked something out. They can be pretty forgiving of small debts. I also think it is a sign of low class to yell at an innocent employee because you're mad at the company. It's right up there with being rude to waitstaff.

Quote of the Day: George Bernard Shaw

“The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.”

I say this with nothing but love in my heart for the IT people I call my friends, but it's hard for me to find bigger a collection of liars that I have to deal with on a regular basis than an IT department.


A typical conversation usually goes like this:

Me: Why doesn't my computer work?
IT Guy: It does. That's how it supposed to work. It's too hard to explain why it works like that so just trust me.
ME: You mean it's normal for your computer to crash every time you send an email?
IT Guy: Yes. I have to go. I'm busy. (This is the part where he goes back to playing World of Warcraft.)


Now that my computer is fixed, I'm too backed up with real work to blog so this will have to suffice until tomorrow.

Quote of the Day: How I Met Your Mother

"When you date someone it's like you're taking a class in them and when you break up it's like all that knowledge is useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree." I normally don't quote TV shows but this one was too good to pass up. It's true on so many levels. I know so many facts I don't care about any more about girls I used to like that I could practically write a book or offer a course to their current boyfriends or boyfriend hopefuls. Sometimes being a details guy can be a curse. Luckily, I can can combine my useless knowledge with my useless degree and use them both to write a novel so stay tuned for my second novel. (I guess I should start trying to send out my first one for publication. I do have to admit there is something romantic about going the hidden genius route of Emily Dickinson.)

Speaking of old loves, I kindled a relationship with an old flame this week. I agreed to see Ernest Hemingway for one book, and one book only, and it went quite well. I decided I should read his memoir of living in Paris A Moveable Feast since I'll be there soon and found that I really enjoyed it. Like most people who consider themselves literary types I used to love Hemingway but then I got too cool for him. I may need to re-evaluate my estimation of him just like I think the rest of the critical world does. I suspect he was right when he told his fourth wife and fellow writer during a quarrel, "They'll be reading my stuff long after the worms have finished with you." I never said he was a nice guy.

My boss is gone this week in Hawaii and some people on my team just can't handle it. Two people spent a full hour this morning staring out the window at the big ships in the ocean. This last week has fully convinced me that man is a hierarchical creature by nature.

Quote of the Day: William Faulkner

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." -Hamlet


I have a confession that may shock and horrify you. I am psychic. I've actually thought this for a while but this is the first time I am brave enough to publicly admit it. My power is predicting what song I will hear on the radio that day. For instance, last week I woke up with Vern Gosdin's "This Ain't My First Rodeo" in my head and I heard it that day in my car. Bear in mind this is an old one I hadn't heard in forever. Yesterday, it happened with the Pearl jam song "Come Back." I woke up with it in my head and guess what song Pandora served up for me during my morning commute? Stuff like this with songs happens all the time and, I as I have demonstrated, it is not confined to one genre. Now I just need to figure out a way to make money off my awe-inspiring mental powers. Perhaps, a freak show of some kind is in order.

I just learned I have a reputation at work for being blunt and honest. I am a "real straight shooter." At least that's what the HR women who contacted me today for a secret meeting told me. Maybe now I will get the respect I deserve. Maybe when I ask the office coordinator if they can start buying Diet Mountain Dew along with every other kind of soda known to man that they buy for the employee, she won't laugh and say, "Not a chance in hell."

Quote of the Day: Robert Herrick

To the Right Honourable Mildmay, Earl of Westmoreland

Come, sons of summer, by whose toil
We are the lords of wine and oil;
By whose tough labours, and rough hands,
We rip up first, then reap our lands.
Crown'd with the ears of corn, now come,
And to the pipe sing Harvest Home.
Come forth, my lord, and see the cart
Dress'd up with all the country art.
See, here a malkin, there a sheet,
As spotless pure, as it is sweet;
The horses, mares, and frisking fillies,
(Clad, all, in linen, white as lilies.)
The harvest swains and wenches bound
For joy, to see the Hock-cart crown'd.
About the cart, hear, how the rout
Of rural younglings raise the shout;
Pressing before, some coming after,
Those with a shout, and these with laughter.
Some bless the cart; some kisses the sheaves;
Some prank them up with oaken leaves;
Some cross the fill-horse; some with great
Devotion, stroke the home-borne wheat;
While other rustics, less attent
To prayers than to merriment,
Run after with their breeches rent.
Well, on, brave boys, to your lord's hearth,
Glitt'ring with fire, where, for your mirth,
Ye shall see first the large and chief
Foundation of your feast, fat beef,
With upper stories, mutton, veal,
And bacon, (which makes full the meal)
With sev'ral dishes standing by,
As here a custard, there a pie,
And here all tempting frumenty.
And for to make the merry cheer,
If smirking wine be wanting here,
There's that which drowns all care, stout beer,
Which freely drink to your lord's health,
Then to the plough, (the common-wealth)
Next to your flails, your fanes, your fats;
Then to the maids with wheaten hats;
To the rough sickle and crook'd scythe,
Drink frolic boys, till all be blythe.
Feed and grow fat; and as ye eat,
Be mindful, that the lab'ring neat
(As you) may have their fill of meat
And know, besides, ye must revoke
The patient ox unto the yoke,
And all go back unto the plough
And harrow, (though they're hang'd up now.)
And, you must know, your lord's word's true,
Feed him ye must, whose food fills you.
And that this pleasure is like rain,
Not sent ye for to drown your pain,
But for to make it spring again.


No one else may like this poem but I do so I posted it anyway. I found it on one of my favorite literary blogs A Commonplace blog. http://dgmyers.blogspot.com/

It's been a good fall so far. I'm getting married and I have the new Built to Spill album in my iPhone. Even my attempt at climbing a rock wall yesterday didn't make me feel as ashamed and awkward as the ropes in gym class used to make me feel.

I saw the movie Bright Star this weekend and enjoyed it even if it was a "chick flick." It was about the poet John Keats so it must be good for my writing to watch it, right? At least that's what I tell myself to save some semblance of my masculinity. I'm not sure what's wrong with me but I keep suggesting chick flicks. Don't worry I only pick the critically acclaimed ones. I find a high score on Rotten Tomatoes makes me feel less guilty and more manly about the whole thing.

Quote of the Day: George Bernard Shaw

“Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn.”

I am not scorning you, I just have nothing to say.

Quote of the Day: Ernest Hemingway

“You expected to be sad in the fall. Part of you dies each year when the leaves fell from the trees and their branches were bare against the wind and the cold, wintry light. But you knew there would always be the spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen. When the cold rains kept on and killed the spring, it was as though a young person had died for no reason.”

I actually enjoy fall quite a bit and I like to think it's not all because it marks the start of a new TV season.


Ever since I got engaged I've been paying close attention to what married people say about their spouses. Mostly, so I can learn how not to do it. Recently, I've come to the conclusion that my co-worker is having marriage problems. He told me a story about his wife getting so mad at him that she did something unspeakable. It was traumatic just hearing about it. I'm not even sure what he did but it must have been something very bad to make his wife smash his Pop- Tart. Frankly, I'm surprised they're still married. I'll tell you one thing, if somebody ever smashes one of my Pop-Tarts and it's the Smores kind there will be trouble.


I think I got taken for a ride by the lady downstairs that I buy my daily banana from. All week, she's been pimping this low-cal taffy candy every time I see her. She's even said something about them as I was innocently walking by. She kept telling me they were really good and that I needed to try one. She was very insistent about my life not being complete until I had one. Today, I finally broke down and bought one. You know what she told me after I told her it better be good? She said, "I don't know. I've never had one."