Quote of the Day: Herman Melville

"A man thinks that by mouthing hard words he understands hard things."


I detest most corporate-speak but I hate the phrase "game-changer" with an especially fiery hatred. Everything is a game-changer at my company. The old process was a game-changer and the new process we are replacing it with is also a game-changer. I guess game-changers don't necessarily change the game for the better. It's pretty hard to know the rules of the game when the game keeps changing all the time. Perhaps that explains the losing record.


By the way, the Apple iPad is not a game-changer. It's a complete joke. I'll be surprised if the marketplace decides it wants an overgrown iPhone too big to put in your pocket.

Quote of the Day: T.S. Eliot

"Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don't mean to do harm. But the harm does not interest them."

My co-worked is bound and determined to have a confrontation with our director because he feels he didn't single him out for enough thanks in an atta-boy email. I predict it will not end well so I plan on disavowing all knowledge when everything blows up.



Sunday School is going better. I think I am slowly getting the hang of teaching 14 and 15 year-olds. It just requires the use of candy and brute strength.

We did have a little incident this week. I was looking over my material before we started and kind of spacing out a little bit. Most of the kids were talking and flirting amongst themselves while one or two were communicating with the classrooms next door by pounding out Morse Code on the walls. I guess I realized it was going on but it didn't register through my deep meditative state that it was something that should not be. Suddenly the teacher next door who also happens to be a week overdue flew through the door with rage and fire in her eyes.
"Who's knocking on the walls?"

Even though no one answered, she must have used her new motherly powers because she looked right at the kid who was and commanded, "Stop it. Right now."

We were all too scared to say anything until she left. I said, "Okay guys, today we are going to learn how not to tick off angry pregnant women."

Quote of the Day: Orson Scott Card

"Humanity does not ask us to be happy. It merely asks us to be brilliant on its behalf."


It's a tough job but somebody has to do it.

Quote of the Day: Ernest Hemingway

"For sale: baby shoes, never used."

Hemingway thought his little six-word story was the saddest story in the world. I am not so sure. I came across this article yesterday about the phenomena known as "Blue Monday." Apparently, the fourth Monday in January is supposed to be the most depressing day of the year according to experts who track those kind of things. It actually wasn't too bad for me.

I can't say the same about some guy I've ridden the bus with everyday for a year and never spoken to. I hope I don't sound creepy with all my minute observations but I couldn't help noticing him because he used to be one of the only people besides me who took the stairs up out of the bus tunnel instead of the escalator. He also had a strange energetic way of bounding up the stairs by taking exactly two steps at a time like a show-off.

That all changed yesterday, when he took the escalator after staggering off the bus as if a heavy burden of care had been laid on his shoulders. The spring in his step was gone as was his whole carefully sculpted metrosexual look. He was now wearing his hair long and shaggy and he hadn't shaved for at least a few days. He was wearing sweatpants instead of his tight little hipster jeans and we all know that wearing sweatpants in public is a sign that you've given up on life.

I wonder what happened to him? I spent my morning walk constructing elaborate scenarios to account for his change in demeanor. I guess I could always ask him but he might say something about Jay Leno ruining his life and then I'd be depressed because that's his not the kind of stuff epic novels are based upon.

Quote of the Day: The Joker

"You know what I've noticed? Nobody panics when things go "according to plan." Even if the plan is horrifying! If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all "part of the plan." But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds!"


I remember somebody whom I saw the "Dark Knight" with being quite horrified by that quote. But you know what? I think The Joker's right but I also don't think that mankind's love affair with "plans" is any kind of indictment of its worth of foolishness.

Let's face, life can be pretty horrifying. It's even more horrifying to think that it could be completely random. Even if some people think it's a useful fiction, man needs to impose meaning on the world. The key word there is useful.

Take my job for example. This month started out rough and I felt waves of anxiety starting to drown me whenever I thought about my quota and all the changes we are going through as a company and a department. Everyday I had to tell myself that everything would be all right if I just followed my personal sales plan and continued to work hard at hitting my daily metrics and I did. The result was that I killed my quota and was told by the higher-ups that I am being groomed for a promotion.

See, that's where most people go wrong with goals and happiness. They set them so high that they got overwhelmed when they think about them. I am going through that right now with my second novel. Starting a new book just seems so overwhelming unless I remind myself that I don't need to write a novel right now, all I need to do is write for one to two hours everyday and if I do that, eventually I will have another pretentious unpublished novel under my belt.

So it appears that you can checklist your way to a happy and productive life.


PS
I believe the lack of a rigorous systematic process is responsible for my anxiety regarding all new things like doing Thank-You cards.

Quote of the Day: Samuel Johnson

"Few things are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not by strength, but perseverance."


That's all today.

Quote of the Day: Nikolai Gogol

"It's the most righteous, which of course is not the same thing as the most profitable."


I appear to be going through my annual Russian literature craze again. I am not sure what it is about that country but it's sure produced some great writers.




Today, I got a call from somebody who told me he was "John Smith" Executive Vice President of "X Bank." I got pretty excited because that's one of my new accounts and I'd been trying to get a hold of this guy for a while. He proceeded to curse me out for calling him twice today and for calling him the wrong name on his voicemail. He said he would never do business with a company that couldn't get the basics right. I asked him what numbers I had called so I could avoid doing so in the future since my computer showed he was calling from a general company line but he hung up loudly right in my ear without telling me. So I looked up his name and called the number we had listed for him to make sure I had the right guy. He answered and said, "Do you not learn things? Stop calling." I asked him if he could tell me what name I had wrongly called him but he hung up again.

So I had no choice but to shoot him an email apologizing for getting off on the wrong foot and telling him that he may get called again unless he tells me what name I wrongly called him so I can delete that particular contact from the database. Well, very shortly, I got another call from John Smith. He said my email confused him because he didn't remember talking to me. I told him I was confused as well because he sounded nothing like the first guy.

Guess what? The first guy I talked to was not John Smith at all but an impersonator. (I'm not sure impersonating a corporate suit is a crime but it should be. It's also pretty risky in light of recent current events. He's just lucky he didn't find himself testifying before congress about his exorbitant salary.) The real John Smith turned out to be a pretty nice guy. He ended up being the wrong contact but he did give me the name of the right person to contact about my solution so I guess all's well that ends well.

Quote of the Day: H. L. Mencken

"A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable."


The purpose of this blog post is to see if someone somewhere on the Internet can talk about something other than Scott Brown or Jersey Shore.


I learned something funny and disturbing today. Jenny Craig is owned by Nestle. I think the Attorney General needs to look into that situation. It's kind of like how the Weight Watchers group I go to is located in between a Baskin Robbins and a Taco Del Mar.


Those voice recognition phone trees are a particular bane of my professional existence. I always end up yelling at them. Today, I was having particularly troubling navigating one because it just could not get understand me for whatever reason. Here's the tail-end of our conversation you may enjoy:
"I'm sorry I cannot find that name in my directory."
"Yeah, that's because you're an idiot," I said.
"We seem to be having issues today. Please try again later." Click.


Nobody ever tells you when you get married you can still get grounded, but believe you me, you can. Stacey grounded me from leaving the house Monday after I got sick, turned green, and threw up the night before. She wouldn't even let me go on my daily two mile walk. That's okay though because I got my revenge by staying in my room, listening to rock music at inappropriate volumes, and composing angsty poetry in my notebook.

Quote of the Day: Mahatma Ghandi

“Satisfaction lies in the effort, not in the attainment, full effort is full victory.”


I think it's time for me to reveal one of my dark shameful secrets to my friends and family with the Internet as my witness. I am a bad driver. I used to deny this obvious fact out of some misguided sense of macho pride but no more.

It's not that I can't manually manipulate the controls like I am supposed to or am unable to understand basic traffic laws on an intellectual level. My problem stems from the fact that I love to daydream when I drive. I've always used my driving time as thinking time. During my driving, I've come up with plots for future books, debuted albums, made romantic decisions that paid off, decided to accept and reject job offers, had spiritual experiences, wrestled with profound philosophical issues, and just plain old relaxed. No doubt, it's an impressive list but you'll notice it's missing one thing. Drive like a decent human being.

I don't really know how to correct this problem other than to start by admitting I have a problem. So to all the friends and loved ones (You know who you are.) I almost killed multiple times, let me just say I am sorry.

I can't promise I am not going to miss any more exits, rear-end any more people, give everyone within a five mile radius a heart attack, but I am going to try my best not to. Maybe. If I don't space out too much anyway.

Quote of the Day: Honore de Balzac

"We exaggerate misfortune and happiness alike. We are never as bad off or as happy as we say we are.”


I've had a rough couple weeks at work but it looks like the clouds have finally started to break. Maybe that feeling has something to do with the high I get from the UV lamp on my desk whose light I bask in every day.

Here's a little taste of how crazy things have been. I have had three compensation plans and three job descriptions in 18 months. It can be a little maddening to someone who prefers order and structure as much as I do. Things seem to be improving.

Now if I could just find something fun to do in the Seattle winter.

Quote of the Day: Blaise Pascal

“In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don’t.”

I think I need to start carrying mace or something similar because I ran into another crazy person on the bus yesterday and came the closest I've come to in recent years to getting beaten within an inch of my life.

When I got on the bus to go home, I made my way to the back like I usually do because I really like the sideway seats. I was excited because the back was almost completely deserted and that was before I knew why it was. I didn't even let myself be detoured by the scary looking skin-head looking dude shouting obscenities because I figured he was on the phone or something because I hadn't done anything to him. He was ripped in the ex-con kind of way and he looked like a fighter and I'm pretty sure his favorite band was Pantera. As soon as I sat down I realized his, "F___ you. You better not. Don't even think of sitting there, motherf____." was directed at me. Apparently, the back of the bus was reserved for lunatics on Wednesdays. I decided I wasn't moving though for a couple reasons. One, I had a rough week and needed to maintain onto whatever dignity I had by not letting myself be pushed around. And two, I hate how progressive cities are so scared sometimes to stand up to lowlifes for fear of trampling on their rights.*

When he saw that I was immovable, he gathered up his belongings and huffed his way over to the other side of the bus where he was directly facing me. He used this vantage point to start a friendly little chat with me. "Shouldn't have done that, Mother__."

"I'm sorry. Excuse me, Sir?"

"I'm not talking to you."

"Well you're talking and looking right at me."

"I don't talk to squares, man."

"If I'm a square you better stop talking to me then."

"I'm not talking to you." He was yelling and halfway standing up at that point so he was only about eighteen inches away from me and everyone else on the bus was pretending like it wasn't happening. "Just ride the bus and don't look at me. You think it's funny?"

"A little. I'm just sorry I ruined your day so much by getting on a public bus."

"How do you know my day is ruined? Not everything's about you. Why do you have to be one of those people who reads too much into everything?" he asked me, rather astutely. I'm sure several people I know would agree with his assesment of my character. "Just read your book, mother____."

"I would if you'd stop being such a jerk. I don't appreciate it," I told him.

"Why do you think I'm talking to you?"

"Well your talking to somebody so if it's not me then you must be talking to yourself. Maybe you're insane." I was mad now but kind of enjoying the buzz of the adrenaline racing through my veins.

"Oh, you do not want to go down this path with me. Bad move."

"Really? How do you know what I want?"

"You're so dead. Oh, man," he said like he was relishing the prospect of sticking a shiv in my ribs. At this point, I realized I was in real physical danger and no one was going to help me.

"I'm so scared."

"F___. Are you going all the way to Northgate too?"

"You know it."

"Wlel, I'm getting off now before I do something we'll both regret." We were about five miles from Northgate so I must have really annoyed him.

"Bye. I'll miss you."

As soon as he got off the bus, he stood in front of the door and taunted me. "Come on, Fatboy. Come upstairs with me now."

"I'll pass. I don't hang on with lunatics."

"Come on, Fatboy. Let's go," he screamed repeatedly as he rode up the escalator backwards and puffed himself up and down like a professional wrestler. And that was the last I ever saw of him. Maybe I hallucinated the whole thing because the bus driver swore he didn't see anything when I complained about it later and complimented him on Metro's security.

Yeah, I know I made things worse by egging him on. I knew I shouldn't have done it but I am coming off one of the most frustrating months of my professional career and had to burn off my pent-up aggression somehow. (Maybe I was also a little hurt that he didn't acknowledge my dramatic weight loss.) I also can't resist the allure of a good story. Even as he was promising to kill me, all I could think of was how my little bout of blogger's writer's block was over.



PS
I don't think the treatment of the mentally ill is a left or right issue but one of simple decent humanity. I think we can all agree the system has failed somewhere when so many mentally ill people live on the streets bothering and harming themselves and others.

Quote of the Day: William Gaddis

"How some of the writers I come across get through their books without dying of boredom is beyond me."


I just got done reading my first Blazac and now I feel pretty much that way about everybody else.

Quote of the Day: Baltasar Gracián

Hope has a good memory, gratitude a bad one.

So I'm having a pretty bad dry spell at work, so my posting will be light until that improves. Consider it a hunger strike.

Quote of the Day: PG Wodehouse

"I'm not absolutely certain of my facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare--or, if not, it's some equally brainy bird--who says that it's always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with a bit of lead piping."

I wonder if it's a bad sign that your personal pep talk every morning consists of nothing more than reminding yourself that with 10% unemployment you should just be thankful you have a job.

Quote of the Day: Samuel Johnson

"To be happy at home is the ultimate result of all ambition, the end to which every enterprise and labor tends, and of which every desire prompts the prosecution."



Just who exactly is the targeted demographic here? I see this ad everywhere and it greatly disturbs me.

Quote of the Day: Isaac Newton

"Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy."

Most of you probably know I ride the bus. You may also know this has nothing do with my love of public transportation because I hate it for a variety of personal and hygienic reasons. No, my motives are purely mercenary; I love the couple hundred bucks I save each month more than I hate the forced interaction with my fellow human beings. I'm not sure that's still true any more after yesterday when somebody touched me - if not inappropriately - then certainly awkwardly. (If you're reading this you probably also know that I'm not a big fan of unauthorized touching by casual acquaintances, let alone strangers.)

I'm note sure how it happened. One minute a woman was asking me if my iPhone was a Kindle, the next minute I was back to reading my book because I realized that explaining how the iPhone Kindle App worked was an impossible task, and the next minute she was helping me put my backpack on. That's right, she treated me like we were on a date and my backpack was a coat. It's entirely possible I am blocking out the part where she tried to cop a feel. I was too traumatized to do anything but mumble thanks as I left.

I hope she's not on it today. Maybe I just need to find ways to stop being so attractive.

Quote of the Day: Shlomo Dror

“The United States does not have a security system; it has a system for bothering people.”

I am to busy to do anything but post that quote about airports. On the plus side, I may be finding out what I've been getting paid for the past three months so that's nice.

Quote of the Day: William Carlos Williams

"Blizzard

Snow:
years of anger following
hours that float idly down —
the blizzard
drifts its weight
deeper and deeper for three days
or sixty years, eh? Then
the sun! a clutter of
yellow and blue flakes —
Hairy looking trees stand out
in long alleys
over a wild solitude.
The man turns and there —
his solitary track stretched out
upon the world."



Kind of makes me wish we had snow.

Quote of the Day: William Blake

"The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom; for we never know what is enough until we know what is more than enough."


You can say lots of things about me. You can say I am too mean to my fellow man, annoying at times, pretentious, and not half as clever as I think I am and you may even be right; but one thing you can't say about me, is that I don't know how to eat. Trust me, I do. I didn't get to be 408lbs without developing a few skills when it comes to the art of gluttony. However, losing a 180lbs in the past year has necessitated that I let some of those skills atrophy and I was fairly content doing that until I met a restaurant in Boise, Idaho called Big Jud's. It is famous for its one-pound hamburgers and hamburgers happen to be my favorite food in the world. When I heard of the Big Jud's challenge, which involves eating a one-pound hamburger and more than a pound of fries in less than an hour, I knew I had found a worthy opponent.

So like a safecracker coming out of retirement to pull off one more heist or a gunslinger coming out of retirement to face down the town bully, I took the challenge. I managed to eat everything in twenty minutes. People were shocked. I think Stacey and her parents were a little scared at how it didn't even faze me or make me feel even the tiniest bit uncomfortable. I could have eaten more although I am not sure I could have handled the quadruple like the guy with his picture on the wall did. I am sure all the teenagers there who weren't man enough to handle it hated me. What a bunch of amateurs. So if you ever go to Big Jud's in Boise be sure to check out my picture on the wall. I'm the guy in the snazzy orange shirt looking out triumphantly at the world like he's won the Nobel Peace Prize.

In case, you're curious I am back to eating healthy with the fervor of a chastened drunk.

Please enjoy the time-lapsed slide show below commemorating my victory.