Quote of the Day: Cyrill Connolly

"A best-seller is the golden touch of mediocre talent." That's what I'll tell myself anyway if my book ever gets published and no one buys it but my mother.


I am swamped. I have nothing to report anyway, other than the fact that somebody told me I look like a dad from the fifties with my glasses, new haircut, and new shirt. I guess I either need to go water the grass by hand now or have my usual three martini lunch.

Quote of the Day: Cyrill Connolly

"A lazy person, whatever the talents with which he set out, will have condemned himself to second-hand thoughts and to second-rate friends." I hope we've all matured past the point where we expect the quote of the day to have any significance other than the fact that it sounds cool. Although, I guess the fact that it sounds cool to my ears says something about me, no?



One time at my last job, I walked into the bathroom and found the janitor crying over the garbage can. He wasn't wailing or beating his breasts or anything; he was just letting a few manly, dignified tears run down his cheek. I have no idea why. All I can figure out was that it had something to do with all the paper towels on the floor. It kind of reminded of that commercial from when I was a kid about the Native American crying because of all the litter he sees. (You know, the one who turned out to be an Italian-American?) http://www.snopes.com/movies/actors/ironeyes.asp


The reason there were so many paper towels on the floor is because they'd placed the garbage can so far away from the door that people had no choice but to throw them there after they used them to open the door. (I guess some germaphobes actually do that. I swear it wasn't me because I always carried the paper towel I used to open the door with me back to the garbage can under my desk like a good little boy.) Eventually, they learned and moved the garbage can right behind the door.


So anyway, that may or may not have been why he was crying. I never found out because part of the dude code is not asking other dudes you don't know why they're crying.

So guess who I saw yesterday waiting at the crosswalk next to me? The sensitive janitor. Of course, we didn't say anything to each other and we certainly didn't hug.

Quote of the Day: Cyrill Connelly

“All charming people have something to conceal, usually their total dependence on the appreciation of others.” I just read an aricle about Cyrill Connelly that I quite liked so be prepared to see some more quotes in the next few days.





Man, digitizing my whole music collection is going to take some hard work or a few years. I eyeballed my CD's yesterday and determined that I own anywhere from 420 to 450. The reason the count is not exact is because double albums are confusing and math is hard. I need to design some kind of process for the actual downloading. I think I should start with my favorite artists and go back from there. I could also go by genre or from youngest to oldest. (Whatever process I decide upon, rest assured, will involve spreadsheets and elbow grease.) The sad thing is I realized is there are so many albums I haven't listened to in years which means I probably wasted my money buying them. Let's face it, I am probably never going to listen to Hum again. So next time I want to buy an album I should ask myself, "What will future Collin think of this album?" Maybe I should also do the same thing when making new friends.




I noticed something funny today. One of my co-workers will never say the word "girlfriend." He will go to great lengths to avoid saying it even though he's been dating this girl for a few months that he's gone on long trips with. His verbal gymnastics to avoid the word lead to some fun conversations. Here's an example of what happened when he told us a story about a crazy lady yelling at them for holding hands in public. (By the way, I know his avoidance of the g-word has nothing to do with personal reticence because we know everything about the guy's life.)

"So we were holding hands..."
"You and who?"
"My friend."
"Your friend?"
"Yes, my friend."
"Do you normally hold your friends' hands? How come you don't ask to hold mine? Do you hold _____'s (another co-worker) when I'm not around? I guess we're not as good a friends as I thought then."

Once you throw in the guy who always asks "Did you kiss 'em?" whenever somebody mentions a member of the opposite sex's name and you're in for some real fun.

Snoqulamie Falls

I'm practicing my photography skills for my Europe trip this summer so bear with me.

Quote of the Day: H. L. Mencken

"Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard." I engaged in several political discussions this weekend that reminded me of this quote.

Have you ever ended a relationship with someone because, maybe, they asked you to do something outrageous like spend a lot of money on them that you didn't have; but then you get back together and it's so great that you wonder why you ever broke up with them over something so trivial in the first place? That's pretty much how I feel about my Dockers. I've been buying the cheap stuff for the past six months because I was going through clothes so fast. Losing 120LBS tends to do that to you. This weekend I finally broke down and bought new Dockers and, let me tell you, they are wonderful. I don't even care any more that no one's ever stopped me on the street to tell me I had "nice pants."

I had an eventful weekend in addition to my exciting Docker news. I tried roller-skating for the first time in twenty years and learned that there is a minimum speed limit at the rink. I also went to Snoqulamie Falls yesterday and experienced the new sensual pleasure this morning of taking a shower with a severely sunburned scalp. As you may be able to deduce by fact that my weekend activities involved something other than reading and writing in my basement, I now have a girlfriend. So if you wonder why I've been measuring so far to the right on the happiness bell curve lately, that's why. Although, I can't lie, the new Dockers may have something to do with it too. (Just to set the record straight, I like my girlfriend slightly more than I like my new Dockers.)

I have decided to undertake a massive life project. I am going to digitize all my music which is a big life-changing decision for a CD snob like me. It's going to take some time which is why I plan on dedicating my life to this project.

Quote of the Day: Herm Albright

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."


Man, I've had a heck of a time getting any prospects to talk to me this week and I have no idea why because I can be quite charming. I usually get quite a few responses to my e-mails but not this week. I think I'm going to start including nude pictures of myself just to see if anyone is actually reading them. Now I just need to find a photographer.

Quote of the Day: Jon Caldwell

"All those writers were a bunch of depressed alcoholics."


My ex-roommate and all-around wonderful human being said that once about all the Modern American writers of the twentieth century. He was referring to your Faulkners, your Hemingways, and your Fitzgeralds; and you know what, he wasn't wrong either. Most of them were a bunch of drunks who loved nothing better than crying in their absinthe. They're still fun sometimes and they occasionally even write good books. Paul Bowles was no exception. I just finished his novel "The Sheltering Sky" and I have to tell the world how much I loved it. The language was razor-sharp and the imagery stays with you long after you've closed the book. It's about an American couple traveling through north Africa right after the Second World War and the tragedy that befalls them. it's quite timely too, if you are into that sort of thing, as it deals with America's encounter with the Muslim world. Some people may find it to be a depressing book, but to me the only depressing books are the ones that are poorly written.


I wrestled with a demon today and slayed him. I'm sure most of you know about the healthy eating habits I've been practicing pretty faithfully over the past six months. Well anyway, on the way back into to my office from the cafe where I eat my roasted turkey sandwich almost everyday I have to pass by the receptionists' desk, the desk that holds a glass bowl filled with delicious mini-chocolate bars on it. I'd gotten into the habit of grabbing two tiny candy bars on the way back to my desk every day; which isn't that big of a deal in and of itself since their about fifty calories a piece. However, I decided to kick the habit one day when I noticed that my mouth was expecting a piece of chocolate after the roasted turkey. I'm sure my mouth watering was akin to physiological reaction a junkie gets when he's jonesing. I made the decision right then and there to be the master of my own domain and force the mind to rule the body, not the other way around. I'm happy to report that as of today, it's been two weeks since I've touched a piece of that candy. Yeah, I pretty much rock.

And that ends our tour today of the dark underworld that is Collin's psyche.

Quote of the Day: Samuel Johnson

“Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”


That's right we are being sappy and motivational today to make up for everyone else being so strange today.


My boss has spent a good part of his morning gathering signatures for a petition to bring Honey Nut Cheerios to our kitchen. He got quite a few until the receptionists, HR, and Accounting told him to just be grateful he has a job with free cereal perks. He does have a good point though about Cheerios being more popular than granola.


My co-worker spent about fifteen minutes staring at the window with his binoculars. He's convinced that the two guys taking pictures of the Federal Building across the street are Iranian agents casing the joint.


I overheard this conversation in the elevator today:
"He wouldn't hold the baby."
"Why?"
"He said last time he held a baby, he ended up with one of his own."
Yeah, I'm not sure how that works either, but from now on, I have another reason not to hold babies besides me fear of breaking them.

Quote of the Day: Samuel Johnson

"Every quotation contributes something to the stability or enlargement of the language."

I'm using a quote about quotes because that's pretty much all I have today. I did forget to mention that yesterday I got off at the same stop as the computer guy who likes to pick fights. Apparently, he has a girlfriend now. We pretended not to know each other.

Quote of the Day: Søren Kierkegaard

"The highest and most beautiful things in life are not to be heard about, nor read about, nor seen but, if one will, are to be lived."


It's too bad there are so many good, bad, and ugly things happening right now that I just don't feel comfortable putting out on the world wide web for the whole world to see. I'm hiding my candle under a bushel today. My clean and dirty laundry shall stay in the hamper. As you can see, I like to flatter myself that everyone cares so much about my life. The world's pretty much obsessed with me.


However, I will tell you about my bus ride this morning. Not to put too fine a point on it but I was kidnapped this morning. The bus did not take its regular turn off of the freeway this morning. Instead, it took me to a strange part of town I'd never been to in the dark. (For those of you that don't know, I start work at 6 AM so I usually stumble my way to the office in real and metaphorical darkness.) I'm not sure what happened. Maybe I missed an announcement because my headphones were too loud but I don't think that's the case because everybody else was looking more and more worried the further we got into uncharted territory. Nobody was praying yet or calling their families to say goodbye but I did see a some rosaries come out of a few purses. So when the bus stopped I got off and didn't look back. I ended being about a mile and half away from my office. I only found my way to safety thanks to my trusty iPhone.

I'm still not sure what happened. Maybe we hit some kind of black hole and traveled to the future. By the way, I saw the new Star Trek movie and was quite impressed and I say this as somebody who is not a trekky at all. Science fiction is normally not my bag but this was everything a summer movie is supposed to be: loud, spectacular, escapist, and Shatner free.

Quote of the Day: Ray Bradbury

"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you."


I think I've figured out why my blogging has been so light recently. I'm happy, genuinely happy. I'm going through a very happy period of life right now so I have no demons to dispel at the moment. I shall continue to write so I can keep my skills in tip-top shape so I won't miss a beat when my euphoria wears off and my mood stabilizes to one of its more familiar lower frequencies.


Remember my presentation and how I was supposed to re-cap it? I've decided not to for confidentiality reasons. I can say my favorite part was when my EVP of Sales and Marketing who happens to be Canadian started railing about the Canadian health care system. I also got an award and more stock options. Oh yeah, and I was held up as model employee. Yes, I fully expect to get beat up after work one of these days.


Remember the computer programmer who tried to get into a fight with the Viking a few weeks ago? He was back this morning and yelling at me for expecting the bus driver to open the back door. He said it was too early for that even though he's opened it every day at that time for the past nine months. I didn't say anything but I looked at him really hard and I'm pretty sure he was intimated beyond belief. The best part was that a drunken homeless guy made a very heartwarming gesture by standing up for me.


Today, a man told me I was "oddly charming." That's compliment's right up there with the time a girl told me she thought her and I should date because she was at a point in her life where it was time for her to stop chasing after all these handsome man.

Quote of the Day: G.K. Chesterton

"Artistic temperament is the disease that afflicts amateurs."

What a strange day. I overheard some kid on the bus talking about a drive-by some crazy N-----'s in south Seattle tried to pull on him last weekend. He didn't understand why they did it because all he wanted to do was cut a rap album at his studio. Apparently, those young fools don't have any respect.

I have two people in my life whose names both start with the same letter. I texted the wrong one a fairly personal message today. I'm not going into details, but let's just say I had some explaining to do.

Quote of the Day: Some Random Woman

"You're a very rude and sarcastic person and I'm hanging up now."


Apparently, some people don't find me as amusing as I find myself. Too bad she happened to be the administrative assistant to a VP in one my largest accounts. She asked me if could spell my company name and I said, "Yes, and I can use it in a sentence." Things went downhill from there. I thought I was being funny. Turns out I'm much more of an acquired taste than I thought. I take solace in the fact that she won't remember me come tomorrow.

You may be asking yourself, why is Collin hardly blogging at all this week? I know you've probably spent a good part of the week curled up in the fetal position, alternating between crying and rocking yourself to sleep due to the dearth of blog posts. The truth is I've been staying up too late and am just too tired to think so I figure no content is better than sub-par content.

I'll be back in full force tomorrow with a review of my sales presentation. Let's just say it involves someone very high-up using a metaphor likening our company to an English boarding school sports team getting beaten by their headmaster for not running fast enough. Dickens and Morrissey would be so proud.

Quote of the Day: Albert Einstein

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.”


It's never a good sign when you come home from work and find a large envelope from the IRS waiting for you. It turns out I did the math on my 2009 return wrong and now I owe another $500 if I pay by June 10th. I guess this is what I get for being a creative writing major instead of something useful.

Now excuse me while I go write a poem about it.

Quote of the Day: Friedrich Nietzsche

"You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star."


Unfortunately, if you have too much chaos outside of yourself in the form of more PowerPoint presentations, you become too busy to blog.

Quote of the Day: Thomas Carlyle

"If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it."


You should really read this post. http://fish.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/05/03/god-talk/ It blew me away. Keep in mind that Stanley Fish is the famous postmodern literary professor and that Terry Eagleton is the renowned Marxist literary critic, definitely not the kind of people you expect to come down on the side of religion. My favorite line is the line about Chekhov and the toaster.


I love my iPhone. Today, I wondered what the weather was like and I thought, "Too bad the window is so far away because I don't want to have to turn my head a full forty-five degrees." Then I remembered the weather app on my iPhone so I pulled it out of my pocket and didn't have to waste precious work time with excess head movements.


I'm not sure if you remember my blog post from Wednesday where I was complaining about the gas being shut off. Well, it didn't come back on until ten o'clock that night and that was only because I called and complained. Here's a brief sample of the conversation to give you a little feel for how it went:

"Well, if you had been home when you were supposed to be we wouldn't have to send a tech out in the middle of the night."

"That's the thing, I was."

"I don't think so."

"I swear I was."

"Why didn't you answer the door?"

"I guess I didn't hear it."

"What were you doing that made it so you couldn't answer the door?"

"I don't know."

"Maybe your music was too loud."

"That's what my mother used to tell me anyway."

So after she promised to send a tech out to reconnect my gas, she said, "He'll be there when he gets there because that's what happens when people aren't home the first time."

"Don't you mean when people listen to their Rock 'N' Roll at inappropriate volumes?"


So anyway the historical figure who disappointed me a few days ago was Vincent Van Gogh. Turns out he didn't cut off his own ear.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/artanddesign/2009/may/04/vincent-van-gogh-ear
At first, I was bummed because I thought it made the world a less romantic place because there's nothing more romantic than the myth of the insane genius; but then I learned that his friend cut it off with a sword which is still pretty freaking cool.


Also, in more mythbusting news; apparently, hyenas laugh when they're nervous and frustrated not when they're happy. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30588225/ Sounds like some people I could name.

Quote of the Day: Franz Kafka

"I would gladly explain the feeling of happiness which, like now, I have within me from time to time. It is really something effervescent that fills me completely with a light, pleasant quiver and that persuades me of the existence of abilities of whose non-existence I can convince myself with complete certainty at any moment, even now."


I am happy but my day is insane. That is all.

Quote of the Day: Soren Kierkegaard

"Our age does not stop with faith, with its miracle of turning water into wine; it turns wine into water."

I haven't teased out all the implications of this quote yet but I like it anyway. I've always liked Soren Kierkegaard, especially his idea about experiencing objective Faith through the subjective. One of his core tenets of belief is that existential despair is God's way of driving man to faith. In other words, life is so awful so that people will realize there's nothing left to do but pray.


Today, I stayed home sick from work because my sore throat is not conducive to talking persuasively to strangers on the phone. By the way, I've come up with a new job description for my job. "I talk on the phone all day to people who don't want to talk to me about software I don't understand."


Apparently, the city shut the gas off at my house for the day so they can fix a gas line. I really wish I would have known this before I got all lathered up in the shower. Needless to say, I'm wide awake now after that ice-cold shower. I guess I should read the things people place on my door from now on.


I officially booked my trip to London and Paris today and now I'm off to go get a passport photo taken.


I found out some very disturbing news today about a historical figure that I will share with you tomorrow. It's still too traumatizing to write about at the moment.

Quote of the Day: George Bernard Shaw

A reporter once asked the playwright George Bernard Shaw, “If you could live your life over and be anybody you’ve known, or be any person from history, who would it be?” Shaw replied, “I would choose to be the man George Bernard Shaw could have been, but never was.”


A few weeks ago a friend of mine asked me if I knew any good quotes on regret so I sent him this one. At first, I was a little concerned and more than a little curious. I was worried about hearing this phrase on the news or in some kind of manifesto. Turns out he was just giving a church talk on repentance. Kind of a letdown or a relief depending on your point of view.

If I could live my life over as anyone else, I would choose to be the Collin who remembered to wear his coat this morning because by the time I got to work I was starring in my own wet T-shirt contest.


Some guy told me today that he was going to prosecute me if I sent him one more email. By the way, how often have I emailed this guy? One a month for three months. I think it's safe to say he will not be engaging the services of my company any time soon.

Quote of the Day: Philo of Alexandria

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle."


I don't know what's been going on lately but I've been running into some especially belligerent people. This morning two homeless men cursed at me for not giving them change. One even followed me across the street, berating me the whole time for being a liar because I told him I had no change. I honestly wasn't lying. I really don't consider a twenty to be change.


On Friday, I saw two guys on the bus almost get into a fight. For some reason that day the afternoon was crowded beyond comprehension. I had to stand up the whole time which is something I never have to do. So anyway, getting on and off the bus was quite a chore. We had been stopped at a stop for nearly two whole minutes that felt like an eternity and when we finally started to move some guy yelled, "Hey. Open the back door. I want off." Everyone groaned because we were all getting impatient with not moving for so long. I also think some of us were also getting a little tired of involuntarily groping each other. (I'd seen this guy before. He looks like your typical aging computer geek*. I know he is see too because I see him reading his SQL manual with his bifocals every morning.) When he got the door, the bearded punk-rocker/metal-head who resembled a viking standing next to it said, "How long does it take you to get off the bus? I mean seriously, man?"

The other guy got right in his face and yelled, "It takes me a long time, buddy," and then he turned to make his escape out the door to avoid any retaliation. The funny thing was the bus driver had already shut the door so before the man had a chance to get of punching range we were on our way to the next stop. Neither man looked at the other one as we rode along but you could just see the older guy fuming with impotent rage. The viking looked nihilistically amused by life and everything in it.

So anyway, when we stopped and the door opened, the slow poke finally got his revenge. He elbowed the other guy's bicep and said, "What's it to you anyway, buddy, how long I take to get off the bus?" The other guy elbowed him back and said, "Get out of my face." His eyes were quite fierce looking so I don't really blame the other guy for running off the bus as quick as he did. I did think elbowing him again on the way out was a little unnecessary though.

So after it was all over, the metal head looked at us all and said, "Dude's a loser. It's not my fault he fell asleep. You know me, I'll roll with anybody any time." We chose to believe him and went back to pretending like nobody else existed on the bus but ourselves and our mobile devices.



*I use the term "computer geek" with nothing but love and affection. Some of my best friends are computer geeks.

Quote of the Day: Charles De Gaulle

"The graveyards are full of indispensable men."


Speaking of indispensable men, I saw one today. He was getting dressed at the bus stop this morning. His reason for getting dressed in front of the whole world? "I have to look nice for the ladies, you know what I mean?" You really can't fault the guy's logic because he did look much better once he actually put a shirt on.

We are celebrating Cinco De Mayo today. I guess at my company cinco means one.