Quote of the Day: Nathantiel Hawthorne

“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” Personally, I don't much like bugs crawling on me but I guess a butterfly on your shoulder is better than a spider in your hair like I had yesterday. (Don't ask, it's a long story.)


Well, the bus did it again today. It dropped me off in a strange part of city for no discernible reason. Luckily, I made it back to my office using my trusty iPhone before any Lord of the Flies type situations developed. Why can't they just tell us why and give us a little warning?

During my "Stranger in a Strange Land" period this morning, I came to an important conclusion about mass transit. This country will never accept it with the same enthusiasm our European cousins have no matter how many times we are told it's good for us because it makes us feel like peasants. It makes us feel like we are not the captains of our own destiny and Americans hate that type of thing. We'd rather be stuck in traffic in our own car because we paid for it with our own hard-earned money rather than zipping by in the bus lane. We are all important people who can't live with the uncertainty of being inconvenienced an extra two minutes on our daily commute. It's really a quality of life thing.

Quote of the Day: Anton Chekhov

"I don't care for success. The ideas sitting in my head are annoyed by, and envious of, that which I've already written."



I have decided to write a book of short stories and I'm finding that "short" is a relative term since I have trouble keeping anything under 50 pages.

I am swamped today so that sentence will have to suffice.

Quote of the Day: Viktor Frankl

"Live as if you were living a second time, and as though you had acted wrongly the first time."

I am spearheading an on-site customer presentation today for the first time at my company so posting is light today. Hopefully, I get it right the first time. The only setback so far as been that I had to buy a suitcoat yesterday at the last minute.

I saw a billboard for come kind of drink product today that left me puzzled. It said, "An honest clean is hard to find these days." What?

Quote of the Day: Charles Dickens

"Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pound ought and six, result misery."

Charles Dickens was certainly a man who knew what he was talking about because his dad was thrown into debtor's prison many times while he was growing up. You can read a fictionalized version of it in my favorite Dicken's novel "Little Dorritt." I think it's also his most modern and best one too. They say he was severely depressed when he wrote it so maybe that had something to do with it.


I've realized lately that weddings and funerals have a lot in common and not just because they are life-changing events, but also because they are ridiculously expensive and you have no choice but to pay. These little niche industries know they have us over a barrel and take full
advantage of the fact.

So anyway, I've made a new resolution regarding money since I have lots of expenses right now. A co-worker of mine told me he read a book once that said if you want to avoid money troubles you would wait a full month before you spend a hundred dollars on anything. So pick out what you want, let it sit, and then buy it if you still want it after thirty days. I have decided to modify this a bit to fit into my life. Whenever find myself wanting to buy a piece of entertainment, I will let it sit for a week before buying the book, seeing the movie, or downloading the album.

It's worked quite well. For instance, the Essential Leonard Cohen album just made the cut as did the novel The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen and I am thoroughly enjoying both. Despite the cool name, I don't think the band "We Were Promised Jetpacks" is going to make it.

Quote of the Day: Henry James

"It's a complex fate, being an American, and one of the responsibilities it entails is fighting against a superstitious valuation of Europe."


I just submitted my PTO request for my Europe trip in October. I think it is safe to say I am excited beyond belief. Also, the marriage thing sounds pretty cool too.

Quote of the Day: Ronald Blythe

“Old age is - a lot of crossed off names in an address book.”

I think I am going to have fun this week tracking down old addresses because it's wedding invitation time. Since this is the digital age, I have very few physical addresses. It's too bad somebody had to point out that a Facebook event invitation is not the proper way to invite people because I have tons of those.


Speaking of old friends, today I ran into one who works in my building. He did not recognize me at all.

Quote of the Day: Michel Foucault

"The main interest in life and work is to become someone else that you were not in the beginning. If you knew when you began a book what you would say at the end, do you think that you would have the courage to write it? What is true of writing and for a love relationship is true also for life. The game is worthwhile insofar as we don't know what will be the end."





I hate Foucault but love the quote. One time I ran into one of my English professors on the bus and told her my feelings on the man. She never looked at me the same. You would have thought I'd stepped on her cat.





So I had my first physical in three years this week. It was interesting to say the least. The doctor's office was located behind a dive-bar which concerned me at first but then I accepted it after going though all the stages of grief. The doctor was a grizzled old retired Air Force doctor who liked me because we were both of Scandinavian descent even if I did "spend too much time on that blankety-blank computer" for his taste. The bottom line is I need to incorporate a more vigorous exercise routine into my life.



Man, that guy said some funny stuff. I am going to quote directly so blame him for the language not me because he talked just like you'd expect a career military man to.



"We both like to eat because that's what Scandinavians do. That's why we're both fat."



"You ever hear the one about the Swede who bought his wife a toupee because he heard she was getting balled at work."



"I can't believe you've lost 145 pounds. Do you know how much weight that is? If I told you to carry around a hundred pound bag for a week, you'd probably tell me to go ____ myself."



"Stop playing on that damn computer so much."



And my personal favorite, "So how's your pecker working?"





I can't wait to go back next week to get my test results because he is now my favorite doctor ever and not just because I can get some good stories out of him but mostly because he told me to eat pickled herring for health reasons. Now now I can say "Doctor's Orders" whenever people complain about me eating that smelly delightful treat.

Quote of the Day: Neil Young

"Woodstock was a bullcrap gig, a piece of crap. We played freaking awful. No one was into the music.”

Yes, I've prettied up the language a bit but I couldn't resist this quote from my all-time favorite musician because I'm sick of all the Woodstock talk lately. My blood boiled with rage last night as I had to sit through another preview for Ang Lee's new Woodstock movie. I almost have the trailer memorized by now. I feel the same way about Vietnam too although I must admit that Denis Johnson's Tree of Smoke (http://www.amazon.com/Tree-Smoke-Novel-Denis-Johnson/dp/0374279128) was my favorite book of 2007 even though I read it in 2008. For instance, I would love to have a presidential campaign where we don't have to do talk about Vietnam. As a general rule I've just never been into all that self-congratulatory baby-boomer nostalgia. I also very much doubt that Woodstock changed the world. (Sorry, if you are a baby boomer. I swear I'm not talking about you.)

I have seen a lot of movies lately. I can recommend them all with a few reservations.

I saw "500 Days of Summer" which had some very innovative narrative techniques but you may not like it if you are expecting the chick-flick it's been marketed as.

"The Hurt Locker" was so awesome I didn't even mind sitting in a packed room with no air-conditioning to see it.

I thought movie "Adam" was quite a charming little romantic comedy about Aspergers. The only problem is that now I am convinced that 99% of the people I deal with on a regular basis
have Asbergers.

"District 9" was thoroughly enjoyable even it is was a little violent and the political symbolism a little heavy-handed. I guess when the symbol of evil in your movie is a company called "Multi-National United" you're kind of throwing subtlety out the window.

I know critical opinion is mixed on Judd Apatow's latest film "Funny People" but I thought it was his most mature work yet. Maybe I am biased though because I've loved Apatow's work ever since "Freaks and Geeks." "Funny People" is one of the best comedies I've seen in a while. Not too many mainstream comedies are brave enough to extol the virtue of duty over love. Of course, he did it with his usual smattering of juvenile jokes. To quote Seth Rogen, his usual leading man, " We make extremely right-wing movies with extremely filthy dialogue." He was exaggerating but you get the point.

I must go do some work now.

Quote of the Day: W.G. Sebald

"How happily, said Austerlitz, have I sat over a book in the deepening twilight until I could no longer make out the words and my mind began to wander, and how secure have I felt seated at the desk in my house in the dark night, just watching the tip of my pencil in the lamplight following its shadow, as if of its own accord and with perfect fidelity, while that shadow moved regularly from left to right, line by line, over the ruled paper. But now I found writing such hard going that it often took me a whole day to compose a single sentence, and no sooner had I thought such a sentence out, with the greatest effort, and written it down, than I saw the awkward falsity of my constructions and the inadequacy of all the words I had employed. If at times some kind of self-deception none the less made me feel that I had done a good day's work, then as soon as I glanced at the page the next morning I was sure to find the most appalling mistakes, inconsistencies and lapses staring at me from the paper. However much or little I had written, on a subsequent reading it always seemed so fundamentally flawed that I had to destroy it immediately and begin again."


That's me today.

Quote of the Day: Robert Cohen

“Books and marriages were well suited to each other, Teddy thought. Both were middle-class adventures: they conspired to keep you at home, sitting still, being good.” -The Amateur Barbarians

Here's the quote I was trying to find yesterday. True, it is supposed to be a bit cynical because sitting still and being good sound kind of boring, but the funny thing is that nothing sounds better to me than sitting at home reading a good book. Okay, I guess marriage does sound a little better. I can't even imagine combining the two because that sounds like more fun than the law should allow.

Quote of the Day: Norman Mailer

"Obsession is the single most wasteful human activity, because with an obsession you keep coming back and back and back to the same question and never get an answer."


I've just wasted the last hour searching for an awesome quote I came across in my blog reading this morning. It was about how marriage and books are alike and since those are two of my favorite things at the moment I was going to use it as the daily quote; but alas, I cannot find it. Curses.



So we bought the cake this weekend and we are both having buyers remorse about it. I think we both began to seriously question the competence of the baker when she didn't know where the Space Needle was. I am not joking either. Apparently, she's never seen an episode of Frasier.


Our conversation went a little something like this:

"Where will this be delivered?"
"The Space Needle."
"What is the address?"
"We have no idea. It's downtown."
"I need the address."
"I bet the delivery driver will know where it is."

Luckily, Stacey thought she remembered what it was so were able to move on. Unfortunately, not knowing the exact zip code tripped us up at the very end.

"What is the zip code? I need the zip code. The receipt is asking for it."
"No idea."
Now this is the part where she helpfully pulled out a binder containing a list of every zip code in King County and asked us which one it was. Maybe she thought I was like Rain Main and had some kind of freakish memory.
"I don't know. Just look up. It's that big building in the sky. You can't miss it."
She finally agreed that maybe we could look it up later since we have two months to figure it out.


I am not even going to go into the tragic conversation we had about buttercream frosting that shook my faith in the whole human enterprise in general.

Quote of the Day: J.M. Barrie

"I am not young enough to know everything."


I am kind of pressed for time so I thought I would post something the Relief Society* Newsletter Editor asked me to write a few months ago that was never used because they decided to go in another direction with the newsletter and after I started dating the Newsletter Editor it would have just been too awkward anyway. Of course, now that we're engaged it may be even more awkward but awkwardness can be fun sometimes.

(I know this will get in trouble with some people because that's what happens when you speak truth to power so I will gladly accept the consequences. Also, I am engaged so it doesn't really matter if anyone in the Relief Society would date me after reading this or not.)

*A women's organization in the LDS (AKA Mormon) Church

Ten Ways to Get a Guy to Ask You Out


“Nobody knows nothing,” legendary movie-maker Samuel Goldwyn – of MGM studio fame – once said of the movie business. I don’t really blame you if you that's your general opinion of dating advice because that's mine too. Feel free to tune this advice out, but you should ask yourself one question first. What do you have to lose by heeding our counsel? Your lonely Friday nights?

1. The Proximity Effect: If you want a guy to ask you out, you need to put yourself in his approximate vicinity. Guys may not be very smart but if you keep doing that enough he may actually take notice and do something. If you are not there it is physically impossible for a guy to ask you out.

3. Be open: Be open to going out with lots of different guys because getting stuck on one person all too often leads to heartbreak and frustration. Remember, your knowledge of people is may be limited by your own biases so it's worth giving everyone a chance unless they are creepy.

2. Talk: If a guy never talks to you, the chances of him asking you out are slim to none. If you are shy, start the conversation with something small like, “Hi” or “Hey, let’s make out.” You may want to try talking to lots of guys so you don’t miss any opportunities. Be open to meeting new people. When you are talking to the guy of your dreams, make sure you just don’t talk about yourself. Ask questions about him and remember his answers especially if one of those answers is his name. Try to point out common interests but don’t feign enthusiasm you don’t feel. If he likes death metal and you like acoustic folk music , don’t say, “I love Screaming Monkey Death too. What a coincidence.” Instead say, “It looks like we’re both really into music.”

4. Reach Out and Touch Someone: By touch, I mean a nice casual touch on the arm. Something that lets him know you aren’t completely repulsed by his very presence. Trust me, he will notice if you interact with him in ways a man wouldn’t.

5. Flatter Him Up: Compliment him on things you can tell he is proud of like his job, intelligence, jokes, athletic ability, and spiritual prowess. Remember, telling a guy he is funny is like telling a girl she’s beautiful.

6. Be Positive: You don’t have to be a little Pollyanna all the time because everybody’s allowed a bad day now and then. Just don’t complain all the time, especially about dating. It leaves a bad impression and makes us depressed too.

7. Separate Yourself: You must break away from the herd if you want a guy to ask you out. Packs of girls can be very intimidating. Nobody wants to ask you out in front of an audience. Think of a lion stalking his prey on the plains of the Serengeti. Do they go charging right into the middle of the pack? No, they look for the stragglers, the weak and the lame. Do with that information what you will. Remember, all analogies break down under close reading.

8. Be nice: Be nice to every guy because guys talk about girls just as much as you talk about them. You may not believe it but it’s true. If you treat guys you aren't interested in poorly, there is a good chance it may get back to a guy you actually like and he may decide to forgo asking you out to avoid similar heartache. If you get a reputation of being a girl who turns down a lot of first dates, you may find the frequency of first date invitations slowly declining.

9. Be suggestive: And no, I don’t mean that in a bad way. Suggests possible date ideas. For example, “Do you know any Indian restaurants. I haven’t eaten Indian food in forever.” “I really want to see that movie.” If a guy asks you out and the time does not work, suggest a specific day and time that does work for you. Be as obvious as you feel comfortable being. Remember guys need a little encouragement sometimes to make a move. We’ve all been in the singles scene for a long time and have the battle scars to prove it so we tend to be a little too cautious sometimes.

10. DIY: This may be my most controversial suggestion, but why don’t you try just asking him out yourself? I know you are thinking, “Hey, that’s the guy’s job.” You may even be right up to a certain point but let me ask you one question. What would you rather do, actually go on a date or stay home on Friday night watching a Jane Austen movie (and not the good one either but the one with Kiera Knightley) safe in the knowledge that you are doing your part to uphold culturally-based gender roles?

In a nutshell, just remember that guys are more fragile than they seem. Asking you out is a big deal for us because we think you are wonderful. Please treat us accordingly.

Quote of the Day: Herman Melville

". . . from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee." -Captain Ahab in Moby Dick.



Like Captain Ahab, I too have an obsession I will seek after even if it destroys me in the process. Instead of a large man-killing sperm whale, mine is the 3:02 PM leg of the Route 41 bus. I see it every day as I enter the bus tunnel after work but I am never quite fast enough to catch it so i always have to wait a whole ten minutes for another one to come by which may not seem like a long time until you remember that these are US minutes we are talking about.

The other day I nearly caught it. I was banging on the doors and everything but it still wouldn't stop. So close yet so far away. Next time I am going to jump on top of it and stick a harpoon in its heart.

Someday... (You can't see this from your computer so you'll have to trust me when I tell you I am am shaking my fist towards the heavens at this very moment as ominous music swells in the background.)

Quote of the Day: Rainer Maria Rilke

"Live your questions now, and perhaps even without knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers."





Some of the major questions that have kept awake at night though out the years include: "Do I drive like an a--hole?" "Am I a geek?" "Am I fat?" "Could I be described as a fata--?" Thankfully, I now know that the answer to all those questions is "yes" thanks to the two nice gentlemen who followed me home to enlighten my knowledge a couple days ago.



I was innocently driving home minding my own business the other day when a guy in a red truck in the lane next to me started speeding up so he could cut me off before we got the light so he could be first in line after it turned red. I did not let him in for a couple reasons. One, I was turning at that light so it made no sense and, two, the primitive reptile part of my brain does not like being dominated and equates other people's machines going faster than mine as submission to their will. So, anyway I didn't let him pass me because I didn't think he owned the left lane. In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have because he got very mad. I deduced this by his flipping me off and tailgating me all the way to the light.



When, I arrived at my garage I had to wait in the driveway for the automatic door to open and that's when I saw his truck sitting right behind me blocking any escape path. He was honking and yelling at me and since staying in the car with the doors locked seemed like the cowardly thing to do and I was pretty sure he could have broken my windows anyway if he wanted to, I got out and took a step towards his truck where I found myself face-to-face with the two huge construction workers who could have easily beaten me to a bloody pulp. I pulled out the best B movie dialogue I could think and said, "Can I help you with something?"



"You know you drive like an a--hole?"


"No, thanks for letting me know but I beg to differ."



"Shut up you...you...geek." I'm not really sure why he called me that because I hadn't talked about computers or quoted Shakespeare once. I was wearing glasses though, which we all know is the tell-tale sign by which professional geek-watchers spot geeks in the wild.



When I laughed, he said, "Your a fata-- too. Look at you?" He was quite perceptive, I do have to give him that. It's true, despite losing 145LBS I am still a little big-boned.



"What?" I said with what I'm pretty sure was a smirk.



Finally, he peeled out and got the heck out of there without hurting a hurt a hair on my head. The only real damage done was to my feelings as he yelled, "Fata--," at the top of this lungs as he drove away. Drawing it out until it was four or five syllables long was really over the line.









See, isn't a miracle I've never been in a fight?

Quote of the Day: Mark Twain

“Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.”

I figure since I complain about both the sun and the rain that means I hate climate in general.


PS
Yesterday was a crazy transportation day. The bus wouldn't stop for me despite my furious banging on the doors and some guy followed me home to tell me I drove like an A--hole and I don't think he was critiquing me for my own good either. Stay tuned for more details.

Quote of the Day: Sophocles

“God's dice always have a lucky roll.”

Speaking of lucky, I got pulled over twice on the way down to the Oregon coast Friday night. Guess how many tickets I got? Zero. What's my secret? Natural charm.

Up until a month ago when I got a ticket for blatantly cutting a cop car off, I hadn't gotten a ticket in over twelve years. I get pulled over about once every three months but I always get off. I even got out of it when I had no proof of insurance and an expired license.

Other than the fact that I have an honest face, the secret of my success is acting the complete opposite way I normally would. I've found that if you damp down the need to be right and make little wisecracks. Acting completely and utterly deferential is the key to happines. It makes you feel a little dirty but it works.


Here's some sample dialogue from Friday night:
(Not 100% accurate but pretty darn close.)

"You know how fast you were going?"
"Seventy."
"Try seventy-two."
"Sorry."
"You from Seattle?" You could tell he thought I was some kind of citified yuppy. (Here would have been a fun place to start making comments.)
"Yeah, I am heading to the coast for a family vacation. Sorry again."


"Sorry. I'm not trying to bribe you, officer," I said after accidentally handing him my ATM card.
"I can always use a second income."


"What did you get pulled over for before?"
"Huh? Speeding," I said after looking like a deer in the headlights. Apparently, cops talk to each other.


So the moral of the story is that I am pretty awesome.

Quote of the Day: William Faulkner

"One of the saddest things is, the only thing a man can do for 8 hours a day, day after day, is work. You can't eat 8 hours a day nor drink for 8 hours a day, nor make love for 8 hours."

I think a new law should be written that says meetings should never last more than an hour. The human mind cannot stand being forced to passively listen for much longer than that. Also, people should stop accusing me of sleeping and playing with my iPhone during meetings because such behavior will be legalized after the hour mark as soon as I am king.

Quote of the Day: Miguel de Cervantes

"Now, blessings light on him that first invented sleep! It covers a man all over, thoughts and all, like a cloak; it is meat for the hungry, drink for the thirsty, heat for the cold, and cold for the hot. It is the current coin that purchases all the pleasures of the world cheap, and the balance that sets the king and the shepherd, the fool and the wise man, even."


I've gotten three good nights in a row and let me tell you it is wonderful.


I am too busy to blog today because work is insane.

Quote of the Day: Confucious

“Silence is the true friend that never betrays.”

Quote of the Day: Clare Luce Booth

"No good deed goes unpunished."

Today, I gave two dollars to a homeless man because he was yelling so loud that I couldn't just turn up the Fugazi on my iPod a little more and ignore him. Guess what he did to repay me for doing him the favor of giving him "however much the good Lord told me to to?" He tried to hug me. Luckily, I skillfully avoided the embrace with my cat-like reflexes.

When he saw that I didn't consider a hug a good return on my investment, he said, "What's wrong? Is it because I'm homeless?"

I almost told him it's because he smelt like he'd been pickled in alcohol and sadness but I chose to take the high road and tell him it was "me not him." (George Costanza would have been proud.) My exact words were, "I'm just not much of a hugger, man."

"That's all right. You're still a good guy," he assured me, and then as I was walking away he put his hand on my shoulder long enough to leave friendly patting territory and enter creepy caressing country.


Despite the less than stellar beginning, today is a very special day for me. Today, I mark one full year at the best job I've ever had even if it doesn't provide cold drinking water any more.

Quote of the Day: Saul Bellow

"The secret motive of the absent-minded is to be innocent while guilty. Absent-mindedness is spurious innocence."

I don't know what's wrong with me because normally I'm a very detailed, process-oriented person but lately I've been quite absent-minded. I've locked myself out of my apartment twice in the past five days and normally I never step outside without my keys in my pocket. I have come to the conclusion that I need to design and implement a new routine for my new apartment so I'll be pretty busy for the next couple weeks.


On the plus side, I only have three cavities which isn't too bad for a guy who hadn't been to the dentist in over ten years.


Today, I had one of those little moments we all have from time that reminds us just how far being a practicing Mormon puts us out of the mainstream. Some months ago, my boss started dating a women the very same week I started dating one. Today, he told he me he is ready to call her his girlfriend even though it feels kind of weird to use that word. Meanwhile, I have no problem calling mine my fiancee.