Quote of the day: W.H. Auden

"How happy the lot of the mathematician! He is judged solely by his peers, and the standard is so high that no colleague or rival can ever win a reputation he does not deserve. No cashier writes a letter to the press complaining about the incomprehensibility of Modern Mathematics and comparing it unfavorably with the good old days when mathematicians were content to paper irregularly shaped rooms and fill bathtubs without closing the waste pipe."





The thing I love most about my job is being judged on quota and the thing I hate most about my job is being judged on quota. I hate it because it stresses me out but I love it when I hit. I love it this week because I learned that my 18 month streak of hitting quota will continue. It makes buying a house a little less stressful.

Quote of the Day: Lawrence Durrell

"I had become, with the approach of night, once more aware of loneliness and time - those two companions without whom no journey can yield us anything."


I really don't like the city of Orlando, Florida* because it's not so much city as a mirage designed to veil the fact that the place's only purpose is to take all your money. I get the sense when I am there that the place exists just for the out-of-town visitor's (mine) pleasure. I get pretty bored with myself so I'd much rather prefer partaking of an environment that gives me the sense that I am just a small piece in a larger puzzle that existed before me and will continue to exist after me. Too bad my company keeps sending me there for conferences and seems to care nothing for my existential dilemmas.

Anyway, I hate it even more after my visit there last week. First of all, my luggage got lost and showed up just a few hours before my conference so I didn't have to wear slip-ons to customer meetings but not before I lost pressure sleep and raised my blood-pressure into the danger zone worrying about it.

Getting lost in a swamp and almost getting picked up by a strange man didn't help either. I had a free night so I decided to walk to a movie theater even though it was over three miles away. I knew it was a bad idea but I did it anyway because I am stubborn or determined depending on how you want to look at it, and - just like every time I ignore my instincts - I got into trouble. The swamp that the Google Map App on my iPhone lead me through didn't deter me from my course but the eight-lane freeway it told me to cross did. (I guess Google is serious about theri walking maps being beta versions.)



While I was waiting for a cab in front of a Chick-Fil-A that happened to be the only outpost of civilization way out there in the wetlands, a charming man in a brand new BMW pulled up and said, "Get in."

"What?" Even though I'd been waiting for my cab for over an hour I knew he probably wasn't the cabbie.

"It's easier this way since we're going to the same place."

"How do you know where I'm going?'

"What do you mean? How do I know?"

"Do you even know me?" I said.

"Oh, wait. I got the wrong guy." He then rolled up his window and slunk off in shame to meet some guy who came out of nowhere and jumped in his car.



The only thing that saved Orlando for me was all the sage advice I kept getting from cabbies without asking for it. I learned I should never have kids because they are selfish, that I should be grateful I enjoy my wife because so many women are just gold-diggers out to ruin your life (especially on a cabbie's salary, I write sarcastically), and that I should be enough of a man to tell my wife she can't dress provocatively outside even if that means people call you "possessive" because that just means they have abandoned conservative values.


And, no, I was not dressed provocatively while waiting for the cab.



*
I am self-aware enough to realize I might like Orlando if I actually went there to have fun instead of to work.

Quote of the Day: My Boss

"The best thing in the world is a sales guy with lots of debt."


That was my boss's way of welcoming me into the world of home ownership. Stacey and I finally had one of our offers accepted which means we are eligible for the $8000 tax credit because we got "mutual acceptance" between us and the seller by 4/30/10. (Yeah, we pushed it.) It was the fourth house we made an offer on so at this point we are more relieved than anything that we no longer have to obsess about houses and spend every waking minute traipsing around Shoreline with our new best friend, our realtor. She was actually great and made sure we got a nice house at an affordable price without having a nervous breakdown. Oh yeah, and she even gave us lasagna. (Let me know if you ever need a good realtor because I can recommend her without reservation.)

The house is not quite our dream house but it is nice and we can afford it without having to live on Top Ramen. I'm so glad we avoided the trap of buying at the top of our approval range. The house is an older house in Shoreline with plenty of character like a pink bathroom. (I will post pics after we pass inspection on Friday.) My commute will hardly increase at all because a bus that goes to downtown stops only a few blocks from my house which means I can walk there. Most days I won't even have to start my car. Hopefully, being so green in my commute will make up for my excessive use of paper plates.*



*I should follow up on my post from yesterday and note that I am not opposed to conservation. I am just opposed to all these little measures designed to annoy me into being green. Just ban the damn things so I won't even have to think about it.

Quote of the Day: Benjamin Disraeli

"Books are fatal: they are the curse of the human race. Nine-tenths of existing books are nonsense, and the clever books are the refutation of that nonsense. The greatest misfortune that ever befell man was the invention of printing."


My company's Green Initiative is the worst thing to befall me this week. I'm all for conservation but I think it's gone a little too far when someone goes around counting how many paper plates grown adults use in a given week. For the record, my floor is allowed 48 bio-degradable plates. For the record, I was the one who ripped down the smug little self-righteous sign in the break-room telling us we are using too many plates. What's a little anonymous passive-aggressiveness when the future of the world is at stake?


First they came for the bottled water . . .

Quote of the Day: J.P. Donleavy

"When you don't have any money, the problem is food. When you have money, it's sex. When you have both, it's health. If everything is simply jake, then you're frightened of death."

I am back but I can't blog today because I am too busy doing my expense report so I can get money.

Next Week

I will be at a trade show in Orlando with an erratic schedule so posting may be light.

Quote of the Day: Blaise Pascal

"If all men knew what others say of them, there would not be four friends in the world."


I just learned I've been calling one of the IT guys by the wrong name for over a year and a half. That explains some things.

Quote of the Day: Peter De Vries

"Once in a while I drop into a church again to kneel at the altar for a word of prayer, though this is often a single supplicatory gasp as much accusation as anything else, such as 'Give us a break, will Ya!'"


I had a mildly amusing Sunday that I haven't had a chance to blog about yet.


In Sunday School, we were talking about how the biblical Jacob had to wait fourteen years to marry Leah and how that probably put him in his thirties when they got married when one of my students - a fifteen-year-old girl - said, "Wow. Thirties. That's a long time to wait to get married."

"Hey," I said, "that's how long I had to wait."

"Oh, sorry."

"No, it's all right. It was a long time."


We participated in National Open House Day by touring several open houses and by being thankful we have the realtor we do. We realized we knew the owners of one house after it was too late to avoid going inside and violating their privacy in the most heinous manner by seeing the dirty clothes in their laundry hamper. Their realtor tried to make us feel like idiots be telling us we'd never find what we were looking for in our price range. He even had the gall to say, "You'll find that most people end up buying something at the top of the range of what they're approved for." Gee, do you think that explains a few things about the economic conditions of this country? We decided not to buy that house.

We also decided not to buy the house where the neighbors played drunk badminton when they weren't too busy trying to run us over with their dune buggies. Apparently, some people think Shoreline is located in Hazard County.

Quote of the Day: Tom Stoppard

"Maturity is a high price to pay for growing up."


I must still be immature because I find my computer password hilarious and now I can blog about it since I just changed it.

I need to give you a little background first before the big reveal. Since my company has very strict computer password requirements and the process of choosing one can be quite onerous and I have come up with a new one every three months, I decided the best method was to mirror my original company-assigned password. For instance, 5DF7*tAD became 9RE3$tOS and so forth.

This method worked quite well until one of the IT guys texted me for my password so he could set up my new computer and I was forced to text back 1AS5^sEX. (Please believe me it was random because no one else did and it hurt my feelings. I swear.)

Quote of the Day: W. Somerset Maugham

"He was so young, he did not realise how much less is the sense of obligation in those who receive favours than in those who grant them."


My CEO is a better person than me because I found him wiping down the counters in bathroom and picking used paper towels up off the floor whereas I almost feel morally justified in leaving paper towels on the floor if there is no trash receptacle by the door because one should not be expected to touch the door handle with one's bare hands.

Although, that is not what happened in this case because the trash is right by the door. The problem is that we have a small trash can that gets full too quickly and a powerful faucet that can only have been designed for surgery units because it is so powerful it sprays water everywhere.

Let me know if you need to know anything else about my work bathroom and I'll be glad to tell you.

Quote of the Day: W. Somerset Maugham

"Insensibly he formed the most delightful habit in the world, the habit of reading: he did not know that thus he was providing himself with a refuge from all the distress of life; he did not know either that he was creating for himself an unreal world which would make the real world of every day a source of bitter disappointment."


Last weekend, Stacey and I went to the Seattle Edible Book Festival. Read all about it here. http://frybooks.blogspot.com/ Basically, people cook book-themed food, show it off, and then everybody eats it like animals. Unfortunately, I only remembered to take pictures at the very end. Enjoy.




Alice in Wonderland



"The Origin of Reeses's" instead of "The Origin of Species." Get it?


"The Diary of Canned Franks." This was my favorite because I enjoyed standing next to it and watching people trying to forbid themselves from laughing to avoid feeling like bad people. I am happy to report that in the battle between mirth and conscience, mirth won a majority of the time.

Quote of the Day: Blaine Pascal

“The only shame is to have none.”



http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2011532991_apwadornarrested1stldwritethru.html
I still can't believe Washington's Superintendent of Schools hasn't resigned yet. Oh, he's writing a letter to all the students. Well, then I guess I take back all the bad things I said about him. That should do a lot of good because nothing impresses kids more than a strongly worded letter. I don't think you need to be a saint to participate in public life but there should be some minimal standards we hold people to if they want to work with kids because nothing encourages cynicism more than adult hypocrisy.


Yesterday on the radio I heard someone say, "It's really remarkable. It's almost like Tiger Woods is a different person. He's relaxed and interacting with people." All I could think was, isn't interacting what got him in so much trouble in the first place?


On a more positive note, I had a talk at work about my future with my boss that went really well. I can't get into too much detail but let's just say all the higher-ups think that me buying a house is a good idea. So I am all set for a while as long as the world doesn't end in 2012.


I will close today with a plea for help from my readers. I need help identifying a cookie because I had one yesterday and have been obsessed with finding out what they are called ever since. One side is shortbread and the other side is a solid layer of milk chocolate with some kind of figure engraved into it. I think it's either a soldier or a joker or maybe a school boy. Any thoughts?

Quote of the Day: Hans Christian Andersen

"Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale."

By the way, Hans Christian Andersen was a very bizarre individual.


Today, the lady downstairs hit me for threatening to tell people about her obsession with a Korean pop singer. Apparently, there's some very popular singer who recently immigrated here who is still trying to get his family here. She says there is nothing romantic in her admiration, she just feels sorry for him because he reminds her of his son. That doesn't explain her shame led her to hit me with her purse though.

When I came in this morning, she asked, "Is Applebee's a nice place?"

"Not really."

"What about the Outback?"

"It's a little better. Why?"

After she told me this guy's fan club was trying to buy him a gift certificate to a national chain, I asked if she was in the fan club. "Not exactly."

"You're the president, aren't you?" And it was at this point that she assaulted me.

Quote of the Day: TS Eliot

"Disillusion can become itself an illusion if we rest in it."


A few of us at work were part of an interview loop today to help hire a new team member which got my thinking: Isn't it in our best interest not to hire somebody who might possibly outshine us? I kind of like being number one and don't need the competition. I'm kidding, we hired the best candidate because we all do want to the team to succeed. Although, an unethical person could certainly look at it another way. (I swear I am not unethical for looking at it that way, just a curious one.)

It was nice to be able to ask questions like "What do you think is the most important skill required to be successful in sales?" as opposed to the questions I used to ask when I was running an entry level market research call center like "Do you have a pulse?" "Do you use drugs, I mean right now at this very moment?" Seriously once upon a time, a white Rastafarian asked me if I wanted to go smoke a bowl with him after the interview.

Quote of the Day: W. Somerset Maugham

"It is not very comfortable to have the gift of being amused at one's own absurdity."



Here is an actual conversation I just had with someone who called my direct line.

"I just wanted to let you know you left a message for the wrong person."

"Oh, Okay. Who did I leave a message for?'

"I am not going to give you my name. Just don't call me again."

"I will if you don't give me your name."


Come on, people.

Quote of the Day: Robertson Davies

"I do not really like vacations. I much prefer an occasional day off when I do not feel like working. When I am confronted with a whole week in which I have nothing to do but enjoy myself I do not know where to begin. To me, enjoyment comes fleetingly and unheralded; I cannot determinedly enjoy myself for a whole week at a time."


I am off today.

Quote of the Day: Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Things seem to tend downward, to justify despondency, to promote rogues, to defeat the just; and by knaves as by martyrs the just cause is carried forward. Although knaves win in every political struggle, although society seems to be delivered over from the hands of one set of criminals into the hands of another set of criminals, as fast as the government is changed, and the march of civilization is a train of felonies,- yet, general ends are somehow answered. We see, now, events forced on which seem to retard or retrograde the civility of ages. But the world-spirit is a good swimmer, and storms and waves cannot drown him. He snaps his finger at laws: and so, throughout history, heaven seems to affect low and poor means. Through the years and the centuries, through evil agents, through toys and atoms, a great and beneficent tendency irresistibly streams.

Let a man learn to look for the permanent in the mutable and fleeting; let him learn to bear the disappearance of things he was wont to reverence without losing his reverence; let him learn that he is here, not to work but to be worked upon; and that, though abyss open under abyss, and opinion displace opinion, all are at last contained in the Eternal Cause:-

If my bark sink, ’tis to another sea."


I am very bored today because it is Good Friday and since I cover the East Coast where people - as a general rule - have a stronger culture connection to their ancestral religions there is no one to talk to since all my prospects are taking the day off. I guess I could always talk to my co-workers but I've been there done that. I wish I could say I was going to use the extra time to write the blog post to end all blog posts and change your life but that would be a lie. Instead, I am going to deconstruct that classic paean to paternal guilt by singer-songwriter Harry Chapin "Cats in the Cradle."

Don't pretend you haven't heard this song a million times and cried a little bit each time you did. Yesterday, I finally pinpointed what's always bothered me about it's lyrical scheme other than it's cheap sentimentality and saccharine nature. (Okay, it's not that bad of a song. Maybe I am just bitter because this song was never the same for me as far as coolness goes once I learned that the kid's dad was not, in fact, an astronaut.)

Let's read the lyrics together, shall we?

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today
I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok"
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head and said with a smile
"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

So the whole point of the song is supposed to be that the dad realizes that the neglect of his son who always wanted to be like him made him just like the dad in a bad way, particularly in his relationships to other people. I think the dad is wrong.

Throughout the whole song the dad put his own selfish needs above the needs of his son at every turn. Is that really the kind of choice the son makes at the end? I would argue no because staying home to be with his sick kids is not selfish. Selfish would be leaving your sick kids. Now, the son may be emotionally estranged from the father but that is a completely different issue.

Now, if we wanted to have some real fun we could argue that the father is an unreliable narrator in the postmodern tradition. Heck, we could even argue that the son is just a figment of the father's imagination. We could but that would be expanding too much mental energy on a folksy 70's pop song.

Quote of the Day: Joseph Campbell

"When we quit thinking primarily about ourselves and our own self-preservation, we undergo a truly heroic transformation of consciousness."


My readers may remember me talking about the women who owns the little bodega on the first floor of my office that I buy Diet Mountain Dews and bananas from everyday. You know, the one whose named I learned last month after patronizing her for over a year. We talk sometimes because I'm her only customer at 5:30 in the morning.

We talk about things like how she learned my co-worker was looking for work, why some senior executives at my company are "evil" (her word), why I need to eat more Cadbury eggs and buy various things her store sells for my wife (I think she may have selfish motives for this one.), and today we discussed whether or not somebody who worked on the Metro Access floor - the "ghetto part" (her words again) of the building- meant her physical harm.

Apparently, she let some woman run up quite a tab at her store before skipping town for Hawaii. Yesterday, she asked me to read the latest thing she texted back in reply to an inquiry about her past due account to determine whether or not it was a threat and if she should keep it for evidence. It said, "I can't wait to see you face to face. Keep asking about the money and you're going to see a whole nother side to me." I told her yes but she didn't need to start carrying a weapon to work just yet even if she was "scared of the ghetto people even though I swear I am not racist."

Maybe this will teach her to stop giving out credit so freely because some IT guy at my company did the whole skipping town thing on her a few months ago.