Quote of the Day: Soren Kierkegaard

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”



I must be in a very contemplative mood today because I witnessed a phenomon I've seen hundreds of times that made me start wondering just why people commit heinous crimes in large groups they wouldn't think of committing by themselves.

Consider a riot. Do people start rampaging because everyone else is doing it or do they just use the pretext of being part of the herd to act on the evil impulses that have been in their heart all along? Do people do things to belong or do they do things because they finally have permission to do what they've wanted to all along? I have no idea but it's an interesting question. I lean towards the permission theory but maybe I just have a dark view of human nature.

By the way, the act I witnessed today was jaywalking. Everybody was standing patiently at the crosswalk until I started jaywalking at which point everyone followed me across the street. Yeah, I know it's dangerous but Nietzsche would have been proud of me for being the superman of the financial district.

I sure hope herd behavior explains why so many people are defending Roman Polanski because anything else would be disturbing. http://www.seattlepi.com/tvguide/410658_tvgif30.html I mean I know why Woody Allen is defending him but what about everybody else? You know it's entirely possible to be a great artist and a horrible human being and let's be honest the only movie of his that can really be called "great" is Chinatown.

Quote of the Day: Werner Herzog

"I have never been one of those who cares about happiness. Happiness is a strange notion. I am just not made for it. It has never been a goal of mine; I do not think in those terms." I guess this is the kind of quote we can expect from a man who ate an actual hat in public.


Today, I learned what Hell is. It's being stuck in an Irish pub while a soccer game is on. A couple times I thought we were going to have a full-on brawl because two groups of people were rooting very excitedly and loudly for two different colors of fabric. I wasn't too worried for my own safety because there were real battle axes nailed the wall I was sitting next to. Believe me, I was loaded for bar if it ever came to that.



Here's another email exchange in our continuing series "Crazy Stuff Collin Says to Prospects:"

Me:
This part is a standard business email so I am redaction in the interest of not being boring.) When can we talk?

Prospect:
Dear Collin:
Unfortunately we do not presently need any assistance in that area. All the best

Collin:
All right. Thanks for getting back to me.

I understand you can’t use us right now but I think you should still keep my information anyway. You know the Steely Dan song “Rikki, Don’t Lose That Number?” I think that song may be applicable to you when the outbound dialing project that Customer Service is looking at comes to fruition. I have attached a few documents.

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions.

Thanks,
Collin

In other good news, my insurance company finally agreed to waive their fat people fee so I don't have to pay for $600 for my own blood test. All it took was our benefits company strong-arming the doctor's billing women until she agreed to resubmit my paperwork with the right diagnosis code. She is very unhappy with me but I don't care because $600 can buy a lot of friends, ones that aren't so scared to admit when they're wrong.

Quote of the Day: Calvin Coolidge

"Never go out to meet trouble. If you will just sit still, nine cases out of ten someone will intercept it before it reaches you." For good or ill, Silent Cal was not our most energetic president.


I've started going to a new barbershop because it is close to my work. I think I shall continue going there because I'm sure in a couple weeks my hair will grow back and I will no longer look like the Marine's newest recruit.

It is located right on the edge of Pioneer Square so it's an interesting place. The manager is cool except for all the anal rules he has like, "No drinking or shooting up in the barbershop." "No passing out." I heard two interesting conversations there today.

Dirty Homeless Guy: "Got any magazines?"
Manager: "Sure. How about a Maxim?"
Homeless Guy: "Yeah. You know why? Because I love naked women."
Manager: "Don't we all?"


Later, a very confused and very large strung-out crackhead came in. He sat down in a chair without anyone telling him to and said, "I need a haircut.'
"Can you wait until after lunch?"
"Sure."
"You want to make an appointment?"
"I guess."
"I need your name."
"George," he said after several seconds because it was a very hard question.
"Come back at 5."
"Okay."
"See you then, George."
He then got up in the barber's face and said, "Hey, how'd you know my name?"
"You just told it to me."
"S---. I didn't tell you nothing."
"Seriously, you did. See you later."
He thought about for a long time and said, "Cool."
After he left, the barber said, "I have my doubts."
I said, "Yeah, you may want to write that one in pencil."
"That's why I always make the crazies take the five o'clock slot so I can go home early if they don't show up."

I guess I'll know what it means if I ever get the 5PM slot.

Quote of the Day: Jean Baudrillard

“Perhaps the world's second worst crime is boredom. The first is being a bore.”





My week was certainly not boring with a Pearl Jam concert, a gang of toughs surrounding my car while demanding money, and being the victim of a hit and run.



Some kids almost mugged me a few days ago up in Mountlake Terrace. It was right out in front of the house Stacey is currently staying at which scares me a little bit. When I walked out the house and saw a group of shapes lurking in the dark I knew I might be in trouble so I speedwalked to my car, locked the doors, and turned the music way up. I put the keys in the ignition as fast as I could but it wasn't fast enough because a gang of five or six kids in baggy pants surrounded the car before I could put it in the drive. One started knocking at my window and mouthing something but I pretended not to hear him which was why I'd turned my music up in the first place. Finally, he knocked so hard I had no choice but to acknowledge him. He said he wanted change, and then he wanted "whatever you have." These kids were the thuggish type so I had no doubt they were serious. I told them to go away but he kept knocking so I did what I had to do. I revved my engine and and stared straight ahead to let them know I meant business too. They finally grudgingly let me pass after I bluffed them enough to make them think I was hardcore enough to run them all over.


They hit and run was not half as traumatic but much more infuriating. I was in the turn lane when some dude side-wiped me and and kept going. Now my car looks so white-trash I feel obligated to get it fixed.


I am heading to Ephrata tomorrow for the weekend and with the way things are going I just hope I make it in one piece.

Quote of the Day: Mark Twain

“It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.”


One of the most awkward experiences in corporate America is being stuck in a confined space with one of the higher-ups. (I define higher-up as someone you rarely interact with; but who, nonetheless, has an inordinate amount of influence over your personal livelihood.) These moments are tough but they get even tougher sometimes when we try to dispel the silence we distrust so much with pointless words. Humor seems to be the most common arrow we attempt to slay this particular beast with. Please enjoy these examples from my week.


My very liberal co-worker was riding the elevator with our very outspokenly conservative VP, when he said, "Good morning, comrade."
"Hey, I'm not a communist. We don't need this socialist crap here."
"Okay. Just a joke."
"Well, I'm not a communist."

Most of my team was riding the elevator with the COO when my boss decided it would be funny to say, "Get Him, boys," behind his back.
When the only response he got was a blank stare, he said, "Boy, that was a lot funnier in my head."
"I imagine," he said on his way out as he gave my boss a punch to the gut that couldn't exactly be called "playful."

I do know one sales rep. who seems to have mastered the art of breaking the tension with a well placed quip. When this employee and one of his VP's both walked into the bathroom at the same time and headed for the same wall of urinals, he took the shorter one since his boss is about a foot taller and said, "You notice how I let you have the taller one? I want it marked down to my credit that I showed you the proper deference that you are due as my leader." He laughed and there was much rejoicing. Can you guess that employee's name?

Quote of the Day: Edgar Watson Howe

“When people hear good music, it makes them homesick for something they never had, and never will have.”



Today, I am feeling a little nostalgic for my childhood because last night I went to the Key Arena to hear Pearl Jam which is the very same place I first heard them live twelve years ago when I was a senior in high school. There are so many things I remember about my first unsupervised to Seattle and so many things I can't share with you because of those pesky statutes of limitations.


I am in concert-recovery mode today and I have to go back to the doctor's office that called me fat so posting will be light again today.

Quote of the Day: Friedrich Nietzsche

“Without music, life would be an error.”


I am too excited about going to Pearl Jam tonight to post anything thought-provoking so deal with it.

Quote of the Day: Mark Twain

“When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear.”


I have some things I could be angry about today if I chose to. One, apparently my "great" insurance company will not pay for your yearly physical if you are fat. Good to know obesity is such an excluded condition that they won't even pay for a simple blood test.

Also, my co-worker got 50% off his lunch at a Mexican restaurant because he is Hispanic. Meanwhile, I had to pay $15 for a cup of shrimp. Come on, he doesn't even speak Spanish.

It looks a fat white guy just can't get a break today.



I am not sure how to feel about the conversation I just had with the maintenance guy I found installing a new ceiling panel in the bathroom. I felt awkward using the bathroom while some guy hovered above me so I tried to break the tension with a joke.

I said, "Replacing the camera, huh?"
His reply, "Boy, don't I wish."

Quote of the Day: Samuel Johnson

“Boswell, with some of his troublesome kindness, has informed this family, and reminded me that the eighteenth of September is my birthday. The return of my birthday, if I remember it, fills me with thoughts which it seems to be the general care of humanity to escape. I can now look back upon threescore and four years, in which little has been done, and little has been enjoyed, a life diversified by misery, spent part in the sluggishness of penury, and part under the violence of pain, in gloomy discontent, or importunate distress. But perhaps I am better than I should have been, if I had been less afflicted. With this I will try to be content.”


I'm posting this in honor of Samuel Johnson's 300th birthday and my day.



Remember my drug-dealing neighbor? Well, I'm starting to get a little concerned. Last night while we were talking in the living room with the door cracked open a millimeter or two because we were on our way out, I was was surprised by a knock at the door. I was surprised because I wasn't expecting anyone, and it was a little late for a drop-in visit. (I'm not even sure anyone knows where I live anyway.) It turned out to be my neighbor just being neighborly by making sure we hadn't fallen asleep with the door open.

Quote of the Day: Albert Camus

“Autumn is a second spring where every leaf is a flower.”


I wholeheartedly endorse this message.


Today, somebody printed out an application for the reality show "Big Brother" on our team printer but nobody will own up to it. I have my suspicions. I can certainly think of a few mal-adjusted drama loving individuals who would fit in on that show.

Quote of the Day: William Shakespeare

"To fear the worst oft cures the worse." Wow, that sounds very OCD.


I think I am a pretty tolerant person but there are a few things I will not tolerate.

1. Wearing your skin-tight biking outfit in the office when it's 11:30AM and you've already been there for three hours. Especially, if you are a close-talker.

2. Giving me parking Tickets. I find them immoral since they are simply about driving revenue and not protecting the public. That kind of thing just encourages cynicism about the proper role and duty of the citizen towards his government. Zone 5 parking permit, I am onto you.

3. Leaving your garbage outside your apartment for days on end. I will tolerate your drug-dealing ways but not your defilement of common living space.

4. Transferring me to the vendor line without warning if you are a receptionist. It's lying if you says, "Here's Mr. X," and then transfer me somewhere else.



There, I feel better.

Quote of the Day: Flannery O'Connor

“There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.” I see the sequel to The DaVinci Code is out today.

Have you ever noticed that putting the word "please" in an email request gives the whole thing a very passive-aggressive flavor? I don't think I will use it any more. Manners are so twentieth century.




Speaking of email, here's a fun exchange I had last week.

So I sent this guy an email last week because marketing said he was a decision maker. Bearing in mind this guy has never responded to me before, I introduced myself and told him I hoped I wasn't bothering him but that I thought discussing how our automated customer communication solution might be able to help reduce cost and drive better customer results would still be a worthwhile way to spend a half an hour.

Here's is what I got back:
"Actually, I am VERY BOTHERED by all your emails. I have NOTING TO DO WITH IT. Remove me from your list and I will be a much happier individual. Thank you."

Here's my response:
"I will take you off the list then. I am honored that I have so much control over your happiness and don’t want to abuse that trust."


I do love my job sometimes.

Quote of the Day: Friedrich Nietzsche

“He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” ( I will never remember how to spell that guy's name without looking it up.)


This weekend was an unusually busy one for me. In a short 48-hour period I acquired a nemesis, engaged him in combat, was almost defeated by him, and finally came from behind to vanquish my enemy.

All weekend, there was some kind of strange bug hovering in my room and occasionally dive-bombing my head. I'm not sure what his problem was but this usually happened while I was writing at my desk so I guess the possibility exists that he was just a rather aggressive literary critic. I allowed this abuse to happen multiple times because he would hide somewhere secret in the house in between ambushes. I'm really not sure what kind of bug it was. It looked kind of like a mix between a wasp and a box-elder bug. I only know I felt threatened by his presence because he liked to point his backside at me while making strange noises which I believe is some kind of universal battle sign. Much like the Scots mooning people in the movie Braveheart.

So after living my life in fear, things finally came to a head on Sunday. So guess who I saw perched on the toilet only a few precious inches away while I was taking care of business? I didn't know what to do because I was worried that any sudden movements could escalate the situation into a very dangerous one very quickly. I was also limited because I could only use one hand.

So I developed a cunning plan that I executed flawlessly. I maintained eye contact while I slowly grabbed the nearest weapon and obliterated him with it after he flew to the edge of the garbage can so he could stare at me better. What was the weapon, you ask? A can of shaving cream. Oh yeah, I buried the sucker in the stuff. I didn't go back and dig through the garbage for the body or anything but I am pretty sure he is dead after being buried underneath half a can of Gillette. I was a little worried about it at first but I no longer am not after coming home last night and not finding the word "Redrum" written on the walls in shaving cream.

Long live the conqueror.

Quote of the Day: Albert Camus

“Life is a sum of all your choices.”


Last weekend, I faced a very difficult question that didn't seemed to have a single decent answer. I burned up a lot of brain power thinking about it and even now I'm still not sure I made the right choice even after agonizing like Hamlet.

Of course, I am talking about the purchase of my new pillow. I've never quite figured out why but shopping can be an overwhelming sensory experience when it involves something outside my narrow range of expertise because I think too much about it if I don't know exactly what I am looking for. Maybe it has something to do with primitive gender roles and hunting and gathering or maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have a "Thinker" personality according to most sales psychology questionnaires. Who knows? What I do know is that my range of expertise can be defined as anything you can find at Barnes & Noble. Everything else I am pretty much clueless at. I'm sure I am going to have a nervous breakdown when I finally decide to buy a house.

So normally I buy the first product I find that adequately fits my target criteria and move on with life just to get the whole process over with. This works a good majority of time because most of the time a pair of socks is a pair of socks. This philosophy does lead to the occasional bad purchase though. I really thought a gallon of pickled herring was a good idea at the time.

However, this time I decided to study all my options carefully before pulling the trigger because I wasn't buying something frivolous like a car but something vital I would be having an intimate relationship with every night. I was fooled at first about how easy it was going to be because it only took me one pass down the aisle to select my top three based on price. (Down was automatically out because I desire firmness out of most things in life.) When I started narrowing them down even further I noticed that they were all for stomach-sleepers and I'm a side-sleeper most of the time. I had lots of questions. Why didn't my education prepare me for the fact that you had to buy pillows based on sleep-position? Why do I have to buy a pillow based on sleep position? What happens if I decided to change up my sleep style every once in a while just to be different? How come they were all different prices? What if I only thought I was a side-sleeper when I really wasn't? It was all so confusing that I thought about giving up and going back to my old pillow but my aching back wouldn't let me.

I won't tell you what strategies of divination I used to select the right pillow for fear of shocking impressionable readers but suffice it to say my pillow and I have been very happy the past week.

I am not quite ready to say that I learned that being a mindful consumer paid off because that would destroy my fragile world view and because I could roll over onto my back any one of these nights. The only lesson I can say I learned for sure was: "Never wander around Target without a responsible adult holding your hand."

Quote of the Day: Robert Benchley

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment."

Unfortunately, that was not true today so I actually had to do my real work today instead of blogging.

Quote of the Day: Nikolai Berdyaev

"There is a tragic clash between Truth and the world. Pure undistorted truth burns up the world."

The other day my boss whom I will call Rumpelstiltskin* called me on his day off and asked me who was in the office since tardiness has been a problem with a certain segment of the team for the past couple months. When I told him I was the only one, he told me to text him if nobody showed up by 8:30 and I agreed. (I hate to be a rat but a man's got to eat in this jobless recovery.)

So I let him know when the dreaded event transpired by texting, "I am still all alone."

The response I got back said, "Who is this and what are you talking about?" Turns out I had texted the wrong Rumpelstiltskin. Instead of my boss I had texted a former co-worker I hadn't talked to in over a year and a half.

After I told him who it was I had to reassure him that I was not having an existential crisis and was actually quite content with my life at the moment.

Well, I thought it was funny anyway.



Not his real name.*

Quote of the Day: Philip Larkin

“Always too eager for the future, we
Pick up bad habits of expectancy.
Something is always approaching; every day
Till then we say,

“Watching from a bluff the tiny, clear
Sparkling armada of promises draw near.
How slow they are! And how much time they waste,
Refusing to make haste!

“Yet still they leave us holding wretched stalks
Of disappointment, for, though nothing balks
Each big approach, leaning with brasswork prinked,
Each rope distinct,

“Flagged, and the figurehead with golden tits
Arching our way, it never anchors; it's
No sooner present than it turns to past.
Right to the last

“We think each one will heave to and unload
All good into our lives, all we are owed
For waiting so devoutly and so long.
But we are wrong:

“Only one ship is seeking us, a black-
Sailed unfamiliar, towing at her back
A huge and birdless silence. In her wake
No waters breed or break.”


I love this poem for so many reasons and I love the fact that loving Philip Larkin is fashionable once again.


I'm not sure why but lately I've been listening to a lot of Scottish bands. I believe I have five loaded on my iPhone right now. Sadly, not a one prominently features the bagpipes but The Twilight Sad does have a song called "That Summer At Home I Had Become The Invisible Boy" which is definitely in the running for coolest song title ever.


You ever waved at somebody because they were waving at you only to discover they were waving at someone behind you? It happened to me and it was pretty awkward but I made a perfect ten-point recovery by hanging my head when he walked by and muttering, "I swear I have friends somewhere else. My mom likes me."

Quote of the Day: Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky

"A self-respecting artist must not fold his hands on the pretext that he is not in the mood."


Here's a fun conversation I just overheard at work:

"I need a shot of Tequila every night when I get home from work."
"Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
"No, I've just been so sick lately. It's the only thing that keeps me going."
"Did you doctor tell you to do that?"
"Not exactly."


I got some good news today. It looks a certain weight loss company is interested in using my story for publicity\advertising purposes.

Quote of the Day: H. Rider Haggard

"As I grow older, I regret to say that a detestable habit of thinking seems to be getting a hold of me."


So I think my neighbor may be a drug dealer which means I've either watched too many cop shows or I'm a racist. Although, I guess both possibilities could be true. There are several clues that make me think he is a pharmaceutical entrepreneur. I see him at home at all hours of the day so there is no way he has a regular job (I work weird hours so that explains why I am at weird times. He has also been there on my days off. ), he wears nothing but velour track suits and wife-beaters, he has been high on several occasions, sometimes the balcony smells like marijuana, and he drives a very tricked-out late model Cadillac with windows tinted so dark they may be illegal. Oh yes, he is also of a race, age, gender, and demography that is stereotypically and sociologically likely to be involved in such crimes. That's why I feel bad for thinking it but I have seen too many episodes of "The Wire" not to think it. I know how the world works. I guess I could just mind my own business but he keeps telling me we need to hang out so that may not be an option soon. Maybe we can go clubbing. He seems like a nice enough guy. At the very least, I'll get a good story out of it.




I also think I am going to get Mercury poisoning from all the fish I eat; but oh well, I figure the other health benefits are worth the risk. Maybe it will turn me into a super-hero or something.

Quote of the Day: Anatole France

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."

Here's a fun one for you:

About a month ago, my co-worker came into work all excited because he just found out his extended family was having a reunion down in Texas over labor day weekend. He couldn't wait because, "You know those Mexicans know how to party." He was even more excited when he found really cheap airfare.

So anyway, we didn't think anything of it when he didn't show up to work yesterday because my boss said he was on PTO. We just assumed he was sick or something. However, all our illusions were put to rest this morning when he showed up to work and said, "Did you guys know Labor Day is next weekend?" Turns out, he got the wrong weekend and now "my family is mad at me and thinks I'm an idiot." I guess that explains the cheap airfare. His excuse is the best part, "I'm a busy person. I can't be bothered to know all this stuff."

On a more personal, triumphant note: I have now officially gathered all my wedding addresses together like a hen gathers her chicks and if rumor is to be believed they are being printed as we speak.

Quote of the Day: Marcel Proust

"There are perhaps no days of our childhood we lived so fully as those we spent with a favorite book."

Maybe you should read a book today because I am too busy to post anything interesting.