Quote of the Day: Miguel de Cervantes

"Every tooth in a man's head is more valuable than a diamond."


As somebody who just looked at lots of engagement rings, I'm not sure that's true.

My post is short today because I am going to the dentist for the first time in four years. I suspect I will regret waiting so long and I'm not really sure why I did. I think it mostly has to do with macro-economic factors like personal laziness.

Quote of the Day: Marcel Proust

"A change in the weather is sufficient to recreate the world and ourselves."


I've recreated myself into a person who is too hot to blog.

Quote of the Day: Friedrich Nietzsche

Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”



I assume you came here today because you read yesterday's post and can't wait to hear about the time I almost turned into a monster. Like I mentioned yesterday, I've never been a real fight but I have come close a few times and one time I came close enough to the abyss to shake my fist at it. This is post is my story so sit back and enjoy the ride.



I was about seventeen at the time and working a summer job out at a tree nursery pushing sawdust around on my hands and knees. My friends and I were on a crew with a bunch of other high school kids, most of whom we knew since the majority of us were from the booming metropolis of Ephrata (pop 5000). There were another group of kids on the crew that we started to verbally spar with the way high school kids will. To be honest, I am not even sure who started it. I'd like to say they did so I can sound better, but I was a bit of a smart-aleck back then so there's a good chance it was me.



It started out with the usual teenage insults about one's sexuality and mother but quickly escalated to dirt-clod fights. This went on for a couple weeks until it started to get a little more serious. There was another kid there we thought had a lot of street cred because he was from the big city of Seattle who liked to egg us on for his own amusement. He kept telling us we were wimps (not the exact word he used) if we didn't fight like men. Even though we all thought he was an idiot his argument did have a sort of primitive logic to it. Men don't let other men disrespect them so pretty soon we were getting in each other's faces and threatening to beat each other up. Both groups thought it was a fun game to chase the other one down with our cars when we were out "cruising" at night. (That was our main activity in that town besides causing malicious mischief.)



So anyway, one day things got particularly heated and me and a kid from the other group threatened to beat each other up after work. I really had no intention of following up on said promise. I just thought I'd say a few things to make him look stupid like I always did and he'd walk back to his car with his tail hung between his legs. (I need to stop and tell you about our work transportation for the rest of the story to make sense. Every morning, our crew would meet at the main office warehouse and be carried out to the fields in an old converted school bus that wold also take us back to our cars in the afternoon.)



When we got back to the office that day, I saw that his car was parked in front of my friend's car so I knew some kind of confrontation was inevitable since we couldn't leave until he did. We got off the bus to punch our time cards inside a little shed. I was one of the last one out of the bus so I ran into him going the opposite way as I was heading into the shed. He elbowed me in the chest and called me a profanity that I won't repeat since I'm sure my mom is reading this. I pushed him back and said, "You want to go, tough guy." (Yeah, I'm pretty hard-core.)



He asked, "What are you going to do about it?"as he stepped outside with me following right behind him.



After we squared our bodies around to face each other like duelists, I said, "This." I then proceeded to ball my fist up and cock my arm back into the position. As soon as he saw I was serious he took off running at a frantic pace. Too bad he only made it about two feet before smacking his head clean into the open bus door. He fell to the ground and just lay there.



"Look what you did," his friend told me. I think everybody thought he was.



"You're an idiot. He did it to himself. He ran into the bus." The crew, who had all gathered sometime in preceding ten seconds, started laughing at him. They only laughed harder when he started rubbing his head and crying.



Finally, our crew boss showed up. His name was Naom and he would later go on to marry one of my classmates. He asked us what was going on then told us to leave before one of the head guys who happened to be the father of one of my best friends showed up so we all left.



Guess what my nemesis did the next day at work? Nothing because every time he opened his mouth everybody made fun of him for beating himself up because he was too scared to let me do it. He was fired a week later and we didn't mentioned the incident when he saw each other at school that fall.



Thus ends the story of my one and only fight.

Quote of the Day: Franz Kafka

“In the fight between you and the world, back the world.”

I saw an episode the other day of How I Met Your Mother that made me feel less alone in the world. In "The Fight" the protagonist reveals that the only fight he's ever been in was a complete fraud in a comical and sitcomy way. I too have carried the secret shame of never having been in a real fight during my adult life.* It's too bad it has less to do with a philosophical commitment to the principles of pacifism than with the willful avoidance of pain because then I could at least claim some moral credit. It used to really bother me and make me feel inadequate for all kinds of stupid macho reasons. I have a distinct memory - bear with me because this was back in the day when I still young enough and dumb enough to fall for girls that weren't good for me - of listening to some girl I liked describe how exciting it was watching her boyfriend get in a fight. I can still remember sitting in my car, hating life, and wanting to go home so I could cry in my pillow and listen to Weezer because River's Cuomo understands me like nobody else.

I guess after reading the last sentence you can see why I've never been a real testosterone-fueled physical fight. I have come close a few times but I was always able to avoiding it by using my quick wit and imposing size, and, oh yeah, by acting slightly insane. I still use the "don't mess with me because you don't know what I'm capable of" method in work meetings.

Stay tuned tomorrow when I tell you about my greatest pseudo-fight. Trust me, it will be more funny than some formulaic sitcom.



*
I am now smart enough to realize there is nothing shameful about it because I realize a better test of character is how well you avoid fights.

Quote of the Day: Samuel Johnson

“How small, of all that human hearts endure,
That part which kings or laws can cause or cure!”


I should warn you that by reading this blog you are putting yourself in the presence of greatness so please be respectful. You are reading the words of the man that single-handedly saved The Capital Hill Block Party and Democracy in one fell swoop. I attended the music festival Saturday with the attention of seeing such bands as The Pains of Being Pure At Heart, Pela, The Thermals, Moondoggies, and Sonic Youth and had no idea I'd come home a hero. Pela and Sonic Youth were my favorite even if the crowd at Sonic Youth was a little unruly for my taste. I must be getting old because I don't find pseudo-moshing all that much fun of an activity any more.

My crowning moment came right before the second to the last act. I was trying to make my way closer to the stage so I could be up close and personal for the last act which happened to be Sonic Youth a band I love when I saw a conservatively dressed older gentlemen with a dorky hat making his way to the stage right behind. He told me he needed my help so together we fought the tide of sweaty bodies and inched our way closer to the stage. Finally we came to the final wall of humanity and could go no further. I pushed, cajoled, and persuaded until a hole big enough for one man to travel through appeared and like a good Boy Scout I let the man go first. The entrance closed up and I never made it to the front. I didn't see the man again until he jumped onstage to introduce the militant lesbian rockers The Gossip. When he started ranting about how the Seattle City Council needed to support Seattle nightlife I knew who he was. It was incumbent City Councilman Nick Licata* stumping for votes. I know who he is but I didn't recognize him since I rarely see pictures because I get most of my news from written sources. I don't want to abuse the phrase "Unsung American Hero" but I think it may apply to me because I sacrificed myself so a politician could give his pandering speech at the appointed hour.


I went to a real barbershop today and someone there actually asked the question, "Can I drink beer while you cut my hair?" In case you are curious, the answer was no so I won't be going back.


*http://www.seattle.gov/council/licata/bios.htm

Quote of the Day: Andrew Gide

“The greatest intelligence is precisely the one that suffers most from its own limitations.”

Sometimes I like to think I know a lot but then something comes along that shows me how little I truly know and can never know. And you know what? I'm glad.

I'll give you two quick examples.

About seven months ago, I was standing in a kitchen at a party talking to some friends about my upcoming trip to Europe and how this summer was as good a time as any to take one since the chances of being tied down with some chick were slim to none. A lot has changed since then. The Europe summer vacation has now become an autumn honeymoon. I also doubt I'll be staying at my friend Heath's house in London because that just sounds awkward for all involved.

Once upon a time, I told a friend of mine that I was going to eat at the Metropolitan Grill the night I got engaged because that was the only way I could justify such extravagant cost. I was so far from dating anyone that my plan was hypothetical at best and delusional at worst.

The best part of this story is the name of the friend I was talking to in both these instances. Can you guess? Well, if you guessed Stacey you were right. Yes, the Stacey of engagement fame.


PS
It was almost worth getting engaged simply for the free creme brele at the Met. Such a dessert can only be described as sinful. It didn't even matter that the surprise was ruined because of my big mouth.

The Precious

I knew I was marrying the right girl when she said she wanted a Sapphire.


By the way, I may post more tomorrow on this subject tomorrow so tune out if it makes you slightly nauseous.

Quote of the Day: Sigmund Freud

"He that has eyes to see and ears to hear may convince himself that no mortal can keep a secret. If his lips are silent, he chatters with his fingertips; betrayal oozes out of him at every pore."

That pretty much describes me for the past month. I assume most of my readers are also my friend on Facebook but if not or you have better things to do than check my always witty status updates all day, I need to fill you in on some news. I got engaged last night to the lovely and very tolerant Stacey. We will be getting married October 17th in Seattle.

Anyway, we've both known for a while but we were waiting on the ring to make it official. I've had the hardest time keeping it a secret because I have no poker face when it comes to anything emotional. If you ever think I look ecstatic or despondent, I probably am. I realized I didn't do a very good job of keeping things covert last night when I had nobody to call and tell them the shocking news after we made it official. All I did is text a few select people with the message, "It's official." My favorite response back was, "Who is this?"

PS

See, Barbie, I found an appropriate quote.

Quote of the Day: William Gass

"Now, when considering the insides of a writer, pondering the psychology of the occupation, I always look first for the weakness which lead him to it; because make no mistake, writing puts the writer in illusory command of the world, empowers someone otherwise powerless, but with a power no more pointed than a pencil."

Luckily, writing's my obsessive hobby instead of my occupation so I have no weaknesses.

Quote of the Day: John Jay Chapman

"People get so in the habit of worry that if you save them from drowning and put them on a bank to dry in the sun with hot chocolate and muffins they wonder whether they are catching cold."

My worries are over because I just hit my quota today. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it this month or not but I lucked out the past couple days. Not only am I glad because it means I'll have a job next month but it means that I've hit my quota for twelve straight months. That accomplishment is definitely going on my resume.

Speaking of resumes, I may need to update mine because I showed up late for a meeting and finally ran afoul of the person I will refer to as "The Head Guy" for my own protection. He's my boss's boss's boss so I really have very little interaction with him and for that I'm grateful because he's known for being a little scary. Our few interactions have been pretty positive because he loves me for putting up good numbers. That all changed yesterday when I showed up two minutes late for a meeting he was presenting at unbeknownst to me. I walked in and he told me to check my watch and that I was five minutes late and that was unacceptable. When everybody looked at me, I could tell it was with a touch of sadistic pleasure combined with a slight bit of relief that it wasn't them. Luckily, I restrained the urge to tell him I was only two minutes late instead of five. The other fortuitous stroke of luck was that four other people on my team were later than me.

In better news, I learned that the woman who runs the store downstairs purchased a certain kind of Vitamin Water just for me. I learned this when I walked by the second day in a row without buying anything and she yelled at me. She told me that inventory was my responsibility so I guess I better go back to buying one every morning so I don't send her to the poorhouse. I think I should get some kind of bulk discount though.

Quote of the Day: Wayne Dyer

“You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with.”

I am now fully moved in; and by fully moved in I mean everything is unpacked. There is not a spare box anywhere. It looks like I've lived there for years minus the lack of mildew in the bathroom.

I am quite happy with the new place. The best thing about it is my new roommate because he's awesome and I can genuinely say he is one of the smartest people in the world. He is also a great humanitarian. Of course, I am referring to myself. This is the first time I've lived by myself since the womb so we'll see how it goes. It's been pretty good so far. The only thing I really miss is having no one right there to share every little nugget of wisdom I come up with.* I don't think the neighbors would work because they can always leave when I get too annoying. I think I need a more captive audience. I can't wait to have children so I can force them to listen to my sage advice and I will send them to the salt mines if they look less than enraptured with every word I say.

The only drawback about my new man-cave so far has been Metro. There are two buses that stop right by my house, but unfortunately, none of them will work because of scheduling issues. The fun thing is I learned that fact after I got on the bus this morning so I got to work at a weird time and will be getting home late after I swing through the bad part of town (AKA The U-district) on my new route. I'm sure it will be a fun place at about 3PM. Just let me know if you need any illegal drugs or weapons because I can pick them up on my way home. I really should have brought my sword to work.

On the good news side of my life, I have just purchased Pearl Jam tickets. I wonder who I shall take with me on September 21st? I think this will be my ninth or tenth Pearl Jam concert. I'm practically an honorary roady by now.

On a creepy note, I learned a new phrase today. Have a you ever heard of a V.I.D? It means very important death, typically one where you inherit lots of money. One of my co-workers who lives on the East Coast told me they use that in her circle all the time. Weird. Talk about different worlds. When I die, all I'm leaving my kids is a pile of books, a half-eaten bag of rice cakes, and a deep-seeded feeling of shame that they'll never live up to their old man.


*Ask me about my idea of using ugly people to help dating websites increase their market share.

Quote of the Day: Leonardo da Vinci

"Art is never finished, only abandoned.”

Someday I will publish my book. Of course, first I need to print it out and send it off. I have made a personal goal to send it off to an agent before I die and with all the weight I've lost recently (130LBS -not to brag or anything) I've given myself a few more years to procrastinate trying to achieve that goal.

This article proves something I've suspected for a long time. You're better off not listening to people's advice, especially experts with their fancy degrees and evil book learning.
http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2009/03/financebrain/

Remember the homeless guy who prays for me and tells me I'm looking mighty fine? Well, I haven't seen him in over a month and I'm getting concerned. I have varied my walking routine a little but I'm worried it's something more. I need to find him so I can be validated me as an attractive piece of man-meat. Seriously, I would like to find him but I don't know how.

I am moving this weekend so this will be the last post until Monday.

Quote of the Day: Smashing Pumpkins

"My boredom has outshone the sun."


That would describe my job over the past two weeks. We're halfway through the month and I'm barely where I should be as far as quota goes. I'm not really talking to anybody. Nobody's picking up the phone and you can forget about in-bound leads. It's like all my prospects left for the 4th and never came back. I take solace in the fact that I am doing slightly less worse than everyone else on my team. Still, it'd be nice to be crushing them.

About the only customer response I've gotten in the last week goes a little something like this,
"Collin: I am currently on vacation. I would not be the right person for you to talk to and ___ already has a solution in place."
In other words, she can't talk to me, she's not the person to talk to anyway, and even if she was they don't need me anyway. Talk about the hat trick. Three-brush offs in one sentence must be a record. I emailed her back and told her that very thing. (Don't worry I did it with humor.)

I've mainly been entertaining myself by leaving strange messages on voicemails. My newest pitch starts out by saying, "I"m sure you're tired of sound of my voice. Don't worry I am too."

The ironic thing is that I have all this time for blogging and nothing to say.

Quote of the Day: Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds. "

Yesterday. I realized with a more than little bit of pride that I must have one of the most confusing marketing profiles in the world thanks to my omnivorous consumption and reading habits when I came home and found three quite incongruous pieces of mail. I received a solicitation from the New York Times, one from the NRA, and one the from The Dominican Friars Association.

I'm sure the New York times wants me because I subscribe to the premier mainstream left-of-center magazine in the country, The New Republic (http://www.tnr.com/), and the NRA wants a piece of my action because I subscribe to it's conservative counterpart, National Review http://www.nationalreview.com/) as well, but I have no idea why the Friars targeted me.

I'm not exactly sure what they wanted because I was too lazy to read it but I'm pretty sure it involved forsaking the world and all my goodly possessions and becoming a monk which I do have to admit doesn't sound like that bad of a life on the surface. Having time to do nothing but read all day is pretty much my life-long dream. Also, the robes look quite comfortable. They'd be like sweatpants, only acceptable to wear in public. I have my doubts though about the benefits making up of for the life-long celibacy.

Quote of the Day: Hesiod

"Work is no disgrace: it is idleness which is a disgrace.”


They are actually making me work at work today even though I am pretty sure such abuse is a violation of the Geneva Convention so this will have to suffice for a post.

Quote of the Day: Dorothy Fulheim

"Youth is a disease from which we all recover."

I've started listening to nineties alternative rock in the morning to pump myself up for a day of sales calls. Dwight Schrute has his "Eye of the Tiger" and I have my "Jeremy." Today, as I was listening to "Facelift" by Alice and Chains I realized it was almost twenty years old which was a very trippy thought because if the music I grew up with is old then what does that make me?

Quote of the Day: Oscar Wilde

"Only the shallow know themselves."


Today, I have an etiquette question for the masses reading my blog aka my mother. How appropriate is it to run up and down escalators? I'd never noticed this phenomenon until I started working downtown about a year ago. Mostly it happens while people are going in and out of the bus tunnel. People can get pretty intense. Once, I saw a guy push an old lady out of the way. Granted, she didn't seem like the sweet type of old lady; but still, pushing the elderly just seems out of line. As you can see, people are pretty serious about the whole running thing.

Usually, I stand firm against said behavior and take my leisurely time unless someone is running behind me and I don't feel like being completely belligerent that day or they look really strong. My position is not informed by principles of sheer laziness, but rather ones of safety. Escalators are not simply moving stairs but are a separate beast all together. They are shaped funny and kind of hard to walk on and they can suck you down to the underworld if you're not careful. I will also admit that I find the escalator rest-breaks good transition zones between the different parts of my day. They are excellent places to daydream, not as good as cars but close. I also sometimes like to imagine as I'm riding up one that I'm a superhero about to make a dramatic entrance in the bad guy's lair and save the day. So as you can see, I have very valid reasons for just standing there as the world passes me by, but lately I've been re-evaluating my anti position because every one else is doing it. What do you think? Should I start running up and down the escalators even though it will cut into my precious thinking time?



If you can't get enough of today's escalator topic, you should check out the novel Mezzanine by Nicholas Baker. It's about a guy's ride up an escalator during his lunch break and it's brilliant. One time that book saved me on a family camping trip from having to do awful things like participate.

http://www.amazon.com/Mezzanine-Nicholson-Baker/dp/0679725768/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1247168524&sr=8-1

Quote of the Day: Jonathan Swift

"When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him." I like this quote because I enjoyed the book Confederancy of Dunces and it describes my life perfectly.

Today I told I joke at lunch that must have been too sophisticated for everyone to get. My co-worker was talking about the L (elevated train) in Chicago and I said, "There is no L in Chicago."
"What do you mean?"
"There's no L in Chicago."
"Seriously?" By this time he was looking at me like I was an idiot.
"Yeah. C_H_I..."
He then proceeded to cover his face in shame and shake his head in sadness. I guess I'm just a little too highbrow for some people so my intellect embarrasses them.

Quote of the Day: The Clash

"I fought the law and the law one." Yeah, I know The Clash aren't the original artists but I like their version best anyway.


My personal goal this week is to stop getting tickets. This might sound like a very easy goal to accomplish when you consider that I managed to go twelve years without getting one until last Monday; but since that time I've gotten three citations which I think is a nice symbolic number to stop at. I think the $300 I've donated to help offset the City of Seattle budget shortfall will have to suffice.

Has this ever happened to you? You drift apart from a once-loved significant other, they go on to do awful things after you break up that makes you wonder why you even liked them in the first place, but then you see that person again and all the memories and old feelings come flooding back making you feel like an idiot for ever leaving them in the first place? That describes my relationship with the band Soundgarden. They were one of the bands that got my through my awkward teen years but it's been about three or four years since I actually sat down and gave them my undivided attention. Well, today I listened to Superunknown and I have to say it was darn good. It's like we'd never been apart. It almost makes forgive Chris Cornell for his abominable foray into hip-hop, the operative word being "almost." If I could summarize what I learned today it would be that a guy needs to rock out even during his awkward adult years and that nineties alternative rock will always have a special place in my heart that all the indie bands in the world can't fill so they shouldn't even try.


I am in the middle of conducting a new fling right now. I've started listening to the band Pinback and I'm really enjoying them. I wonder why it's taken me so long to discover them. I think it's going to be much more than a one-night stand.

Quote of the Day: The Smiths

"I started something I couldn't finish."


In the past six months, I've developed a walking habit. I like to take long walks where I can think, listen to tunes, and tell myself that I'm being healthy. Unfortunately, I've also developed the bad habit lately of forgetting that if I travel a mile before I rotate my body 180 degrees, I will have to walk another mile back home. This caused problems on the 4th when I walked 1.5 miles in 100 degree heat and forget to bring water and money to purchase goods and services such as water or piggy back rides. Yeah, it was kind of hot, so hot that we were tempted to run through strange sprinklers and drink water out of strange spigots. I was quite tired when I got back to my mom's house. On the plus side, I did feel slightly less guilty about eating so much Amish Friendship Bread. The whole thing kind of reminded me of the time my friends and I got so thirsty on a fishing trip that we drank water from something called the Winchester Wasteway which was not as bad as you would think. See, this is why I try never to get enthused about anything.


The 4th was nice other than the fact that I burned my thumb and the yard across the street from my mom's got on fire. Actually, both of those were kind of cool.


Today, I have been pondering my fate and asking myself what I ever did to get cast on the party planning committee at work. I wonder how many old ladies I have to help cross the street before I can be redeemed out of here.

Quote of the Day: Alain de Botton

"I will hate you till the day I die and wish you nothing but ill will in every career move you make. I will be watching with interest and schadenfreude."

I thought I'd post this quote because I've used quotes from de Botton before that weren't half as interesting. Apparently, some philosophers have very thin skin. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/culturenews/5712899/Alain-de-Botton-tells-New-York-Times-reviewer-I-will-hate-you-until-I-die.html


Speaking of dying, I almost walked right into a horse this afternoon. I mean my face was literally 12-inches from his massive, quivering chest. I was sending a work email on my way to the Passport Office so I almost completely missed the mounted policeman. The officer's scowl seemed to imply that I should start paying better attention. I guess he has a point because you never know when you're going to run into livestock on the streets of Seattle. It's practically like living in Lonesome Dove.

Quote of the Day: Oscar Wilde

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” Wow. I can't believe I haven't quoted Oscar Wilde yet because he has the best quotes. Unfortunately, nothing he ever wrote serioulsy comes close to being as profound as his pithy little quotes. I like to think of him as the stand-up comedian of the literary world.

Although, that analogy may no longer hold water since comedians can now be US Senators. I'm not sure which is a greater sign of the upcoming apocalypse, Senator Al Franken or Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Note: This is not a political comment just a general comment about the power of celebrity in our culture.)


You know what makes me happy? Amazon.com. I ordered a book yesterday at 10:30AM and went with the free two-day shipping option. So guess what showed up on my doorstep last night? That's right, my book. It was beyond awesome. I am not sure how they broke the time/space continuum, but I say, more power to them.