Quote of the Day: Fyodor Dostoyevsky

"Oh, tell me, who was it first announced, who was it first proclaimed, that man only does nasty things because he does not know his own interests; and that if he were enlightened, if his eyes were opened to his real normal interests, man would at once cease to do nasty things, would at once become good and noble because, being enlightened and understanding his real advantage, he would see his own advantage in the good and nothing else, and we all know that not one man can, consciously, act against his own interests, consequently, so to say, through necessity, he would begin doing good? Oh, the babe! Oh, the pure, innocent child! Why, in the first place, when in all these thousands of years has there been a time when man has acted only from his own interest? What is to be done with the millions of facts that bear witness that men, CONSCIOUSLY, that is fully understanding their real interests, have left them in the background and have rushed headlong on another path, to meet peril and danger, compelled to this course by nobody and by nothing, but, as it were, simply disliking the beaten track, and have obstinately, wilfully, struck out another difficult, absurd way, seeking it almost in the darkness."





Today, I had one of those moments where I acted against my own self-interest for no real rational reason. On my daily walk this morning, I was strolling past Pike's Place Market when I saw two people running across the road heading straight for me. It was a man and a woman who did not look homeless which made them quite an anomaly in that part of the world at that time of day. He was wearing a ratty old t-shirt letting the whole world know he was a "Party Animal." She was wearing too much make-up and a skirt that was way too tight and short. They were both drinking beer out of bottles and obviously quite drunk. All I remember of their faces was that he reminded me of a surfer and she reminded me of a Hooter's waitress.



When I deviated from my course to get out of his path, he quickly re-oriented his own direction so that he was still coming straight at me like an angry bull. He made a flapping motion with his arms while he pointed at his ears which I assumed was the international sign for "Take Out Your Earphones" so I took them out but he didn't say anything. All he did was wave his hands so close to my face that I had to back up and swerve out of the way to avoid being slapped in the face by them. Then he turned to his girlfriend and chuckled as life messing with a middle-class square like me was the funniest thing in the world.


Now we come to the part of the tory where I get to act poorly and irrationally. I should preface this by saying that I have never ever been in an actual physical fight. Now a debate, yes. A fight where there was the slightest possibilty of physical pain, no. Yeah, I know, pretty nerdy, huh? So anyway, I had two choices here. I could either move on with my life like a normal person or turn around, puff up my chest like a rooster, and express the fact that I don't appreciate my space being violated. I chose option number two and I am not really sure why either. Maybe it has something to do with the ancient reptile part of the human brain. I won't repeat verbatim what I said, but suffice it to say that the gist of it went a little something like this, "Hello, good sir. Have I offended thee in any way? Wouldst thou like to sit down to a nice cup of tea and discuss the matter?"


So what happened? Absolutely Nothing. Talk about anti-climatic. So I guess everything worked out all right in the end by some miraculous twist of fate. I did look over my shoulder the whole way back to the office, fully expecting to be punched in the back of the head but no such luck. I felt so bad about my macho posturing that I gave five bucks to the first homeless guy who asked for it in an attempt to expiate my sin.


Man, my iPhone and the G3 network have been estranged from each other for most of the past forty-eight hours. All I can really do with phone is receive and make phone calls. And, seriously, what's the point of that? That's so 2007.

Quote of the Day: Winston Churchill

“The only guide to man is his conscience; the only shield to his memory is the rectitude and sincerity of his actions. It is very imprudent to walk through life without this shield, because we are so often mocked by the failure of our hopes and the upsetting of our calculations; but with this shield, however the fates may play, we march always in the ranks of honor.”


Today a homeless man told me that he prays for me everyday and I think he meant it. It kind of made me feel bad because I'm pretty sure I've never prayed for him even once.


Have you ever learned something so shocking that it made you question all your fundamental assumptions about the world? Well, it happened to me today. I learned that Amazon sells used hand lotion. I have no idea why or even how the whole process works because I decided to go with a new bottle. Why, I ask you, why?


Here's an article that partially sums up my feelings about flagrant abuse of the exclamation point. http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2009/apr/29/exclamation-mark-punctuation


Also, I am not sure I've ever gotten an email kiss before. Maybe something is wrong with me. http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2007/jun/26/g2.onlinesupplement Actually, I'm glad I don't normally correspond with people who would do something so trite so casually. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned but I like my electronic kisses to mean something.

Quote of the Day: W. Somerset Maugham

"We are shocked when we discover that great men were weak and petty, dishonest or selfish, sexually vicious, vain or intemperate; and many people think it disgraceful to disclose to the public its heroes' failings. There is not much to choose between men. They are all a hopscotch of greatness and littleness, of virtue and vice, of nobility and baseness. Some have more strength of character, or more opportunity, and so in one direction or another give their instincts freer play, but potentially they are the same. For my part I do not think I am any better or any worse than most people, but I know that if I set down every action in my life and every thought that has crossed my mind the world would consider me a monster of depravity."


Well, whatever else you can say about me you can also say that I'm now officially 107lbs lighter than I was six months ago. (Now you know why we had to break up, Mountain Dew, my sweet green mistress.) That's right? One-Hundred-and-Seven pounds.

I hesitated blogging about this topic because bragging about weight loss seemed like such a feminine thing to do but I decided to go ahead with it anyway because I'm quite proud of myself. I was also concerned that all the hot chicks that read my blog would know I had a bit of a weight problem but then I realized that most of them are probably well aware of that fact. (Yes, I flatter myself that my blog is visited by hordes of beautiful women every day.)

I still have a ways to go. A few weeks ago, a friend asked me how much longer I was going to be on my weight loss kick. I said, "Until I get a hot girlfriend." She laughed and thanked my for my honesty. So there you go.

Quote of the Day: Hector Berlioz

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils." I have no idea who this guy is but his quote is quite funny if a little on the dark side.


I went on a walk yesterday and saw three signs that vexed me because I couldn't comprehend their textual and sub-textual meanings.

The first one was a handmade sign that said "Found $$ Call 555-5555." Of course, it really didn't say 555-5555. So my question is did someone lose money or find it? Is someone being a good Samaritan or trying to get free money? Maybe they're hoping to lay a peremptory claim on all the money anyone in the Wedgewood area finds. I should note that this sign was stapled to every telephone pole within a five block radius.

I also saw a sign on a reader board outside of an official government-looking building that led to more questions than answers. It said, "Competitive Stroking M, W, F." There was not a pool in sight.

The other weird sign is one that's disturbed me for a while. There's a huge billboard with a words "Go Humans Go" written underneath a picture of the Quaker Oats guy who has a look on his face that can only be described as a leer. For some reason, it creeps me out. Big brother is not only watching but also ogling you.


So I saw the French thriller "Tell No One" recently. I really liked it even if it was so confusing that I am still not a hundred percent on a who killed whom. It doesn't really matter though because the point of the movie is to let the complexity wash over and intoxicate you like a fine wine.


I also read the book The Lazarus Project by Aleksandar Herman. It was on a lot of top ten lists last year including James Wood's (the critic not the actor) so I was expecting to be overwhelmed but I am sad to say that I was not. I wasn't really underwhelmed either. I was just whelmed with this immigration story of a Bosnian writer. It was a solid novel from a technical standpoint but I just didn't feel a spark so maybe it's my fault. Maybe the problem is that I just got done reading some Junot Diaz who writes more compellingly about the immigrant experience than anyone else could ever hope to. So don't even try. Luckily, I don't have to because I am as white, middle-class, and American as they come.

Quote of the Day: Marcel Proust

"A change in the weather is sufficient to recreate the world and ourselves." I just thought I'd use this quote because I used a quote the other day making the exact opposite point.

I don't have much to say so I'll be quick and follow my mother's advice about not saying anything at all if you can't say anything interesting. Or maybe it was if you can't say anything nice. I always get those two words confused.

So they passed around this book at my office that we were supposed to inscribe with parenting advice for this woman in my office who is going on maternity leave. Unfortunately, it got taken from my desk before I could write anything in it which is too bad because I had some great advice to give that I have acquired during my many years of parenting. Okay, I lied. Mostly, I was just going to give her advice about how to guard her baby against Zombie attacks.

Quote of the Day: George Bernard Shaw

"The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished."

I just realized that there are eleven channels of communication that keep me connected to the world outside my head. They include the voice component of my cell phone, text messaging, my yahoo email account, my gmail account, my work email, Facebook, my work phone, talking to people in public, talking to people in private, talking to people at my house, or talking to people at work. I'm not sure why but thinking about all those means of communication kind of blows my mind. I wonder how much of the communication taking place over them is meaningful. Probably a depressingly small amount. (No, this is not a hint that you need to call me more.)

Speaking of communication, I wrote a new sales script today that I'm pretty proud of. It includes the line, "Call me back or the puppy gets it."

I got an email today from a company called QuizRocket and the subject line was, "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DIE?" It may have been an invitation to take some kind of quiz but I'm only guessing because I was too scared to open it. Nothing like a little existential dread on a Thursday afternoon. (Come to think of it that would make a good title for a thick ponderous novel.)

It was "Take Your Kid to Work Day" at work today which is something I've never understood the point of it. Maybe it's to scare kids or remind them to enjoy their childhood while they can. I didn't say anything when they toured our area but in my mind I said the kind of things I would have said if life were a sitcom. You know, like, "Welcome to corporate America. Please leave your soul at the door." I am sad to admit the kids didn't seem all that impressed with what we do. I guess watching people make phone calls is not the non-stop thrill ride I pretend it is to impress chicks. They mostly just played with the football on my co-worker's desk. Kind of like he does all day.

Headline of the Day

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/apr/21/super-cows-wild-ox

Quote of the Day: Thomas Carlyle

Once upon a time someone asked the Victorian man of letters Thomas Carlyle what he could to make Scotland a better place. I have to give the guy credit, Carlyle did seem like a logical person to ask because he had an opinion on everything. His reply is classic and quite possibly apocryphal. "Make yourself an honest man, and then you may be sure there is one less rascal in the world." I think it's safe to say Carlyle was never found leading any protest marches in his day.

I really do think there is something to be said for that approach but I'm too much of a sucker for anyone with a sob story to implement it in my private life. For example, today I gave a guy enough money for bus fare even though I didn't really believe his story. He told me he just got out of jail and didn't have enough money to make it back to Tacoma. It seemed weird that the jail would be letting people out at three in the morning without a dime to their name. Talk about a policy just asking for trouble, but what do I know? I think paying for a bus ticket for every released prisoner is not too much to ask of society. It's seems like a pretty common sense thing to do which either means King County is already doing it or will never do it. He told me I could go with him to the bus station if I didn't believe him but I declined because he had an annoying habit of touching my shoulder while he talked to me and I was not putting up with that for five blocks. To be honest, I am not sure why I gave him the money. Either, I'm a really good person or I thought a few dollars was a small price to pay for letting me go back to my bourgeoisie existence. Feel free to draw your own conclusions.


I went to a poetry reading by Simon Armitage last night with a friend I hadn't hung out with in a long time. It was good times. The dude is probably going to be Britain's next Poet Laureate so I'd heard about him before since I read the British papers every once in while but this was my first real exposure to his work. I have to say I liked it. I was impressed with how easily humor and pathos co-existed in his work. I have reproduced a poem below that particularly stood out to me.


You’re Beautiful

1 You're Beautiful
2 because you're classically trained. ,
3 I'm ugly because I associate piano wire with strangulation.

4 You're beautiful because you stop to read the cards in newsagents' windows
5 about lost cats and missing dogs.
6 I'm ugly because of what 1 did to that jellyfish with a lolly-stick and a big stone

7 You're beautiful because for you, politeness is instinctive, not a marketing
8 campaign
9 I'm ugly because desperation is impossible to hide.

10 Ugly like he is,
11 Beautiful like hers,
12 Beautiful like Venus,
13 Ugly like his,
14 Beautiful like she is,
15 Ugly like Mars.

16 You're beautiful because you believe in coincidence and the power of thought.
17 I'm ugly because I proved God to be a mathematical impossibility

18 You're beautiful because you prefer home-made soup to the packet stuff.
19 I'm ugly because once, at a dinner party,
20 I defended the aristocracy and wasn't even drunk.

21 You're beautiful because you can't work the remote control.
22 I'm ugly because of satellite television and twenty-four hour rolling news.

23 Ugly like he is,
24 Beautiful like hers,
25 Beautiful like Venus,
26 Ugly like his,
27 Beautiful like she is,
28 Ugly like Mars.

29 You're beautiful because you cry at weddings as well as funerals.
30 I'm ugly because I think .of children as another species from a different world.

31 You're beautiful because you look great in any colour including red.
32 I'm ugly because I think shopping is strictly for the acquisition of material goods.

33 You're beautiful because when you were born, undiscovered planets
34 lined up to peep over the rim of your cradle and lay gifts of gravity and light at your miniature feet.
35 I'm ugly for saying 'love at first sight' is another form of mistaken identity
36 and that the most human of all responses is to gloat.

37 Ugly like he is,
38 Beautiful like hers,
39 Beautiful like Venus,
40 Ugly like his,
41 Beautiful like she is,
42 Ugly like Mars.

43 You're beautiful because you've never seen the inside of a car-wash,
44 I'm ugly because I always ask for a receipt.

45 You're beautiful for sending a box of shoes to the third world.
46 I'm ugly because I remember the telephone numbers of ex-girlfriends
47 and the year Schubert was born.

48 You're beautiful because you sponsored a parrot in a zoo.
49 I'm ugly because when I sigh it's like the slow collapse of a circus tent.

50 Ugly like he is,
51 Beautiful like hers,
52 Beautiful like Venus,
53 Ugly like his,
54 Beautiful like she is,
55 Ugly like Mars.

56 You're beautiful because you can point at a man in a uniform and laugh.
57 I'm ugly because I was a police informer in a previous life.

58 You're beautiful because you drink a litre of water and eat three pieces of fruit a day.
59 I'm ugly for taking the line that a meal without meat is a beautiful woman with one eye.

60 You're beautiful because you don't see love as a competition and you know how to lose.
61 I'm ugly because I kissed the FA Cup then held it up to the crowd.

62 You're beautiful because of a single buttercup in the top buttonhole of your
63 cardigan.
64 I'm ugly because I said the World's Strongest Woman was a muscleman in a
65 dress.



66 You're beautiful because you couldn't live in a lighthouse.
67 I'm ugly for making hand-shadows in front of the giant bulb, so when they
68 look up, the captains of vessels in distress see the ears of a rabbit, or the eye
69 of a fox, or the legs of a galloping black horse.

70 Ugly like he is,
71 Beautiful like hers,
72 Beautiful like Venus,
73 Ugly like his,
74 Beautiful like she is,
75 Ugly like Mars.

76 Ugly like he is,
77 Beautiful like hers,
78 Beautiful like Venus,
79 Ugly like his,
80 Beautiful like she is,
81 Ugly like Mars.

Quote of The Day: Blaine Pascal

"The weather and my mood have little connection. I have my foggy and my fine
days within me; my prosperity or misfortune has little to do with the matter."

I'm just posting this to be contrary. I'm actually enjoying the weather quite a bit and not wearing my coat because I hate coats juts as much as Huck Finn hated shoes.

I was out last evening enjoying the weather at Green Lake when I saw procession of people marching around the lake holding candles. Even though they had very focused purposeful looks on their faces, I couldn't resist asking what was going on so I stepped in front of an older woman who didn't look like was strong enough to take me and said, "I hate to interrupt but can you tell me what's going on?"

"It's the ten year anniversary of Columbine."

"Oh."

"We're from Ceasefire Washington. We say no more killing," she said and pumped her fist in the air.

"Well "no killing" is a controversial stance but I think we can get behind that one anyway." She just looked at me awkwardly and walked away. Either some people don't do irony or I'm just not very funny. I have to suspect the former or my whole worldview would crumble.

So I gave the first round of my work presentation yesterday. It went well despite not having made a PowerPoint presentation in a few years. (I really don't like them. I find them visually distracting to the presenter.) My director only had three critiques. I didn't look at him enough, I didn't use the authorized template, and it came off as too negative. The lack of eye-contact happened because I was too busy staring at that damn PowerPoint. I have repented of being an individual and put it on the authorized template so it now looks like everyone else's. He said it had a negative vibe because I started out with a problem and presented a solution instead of saying good things, problemish things, and then solutiony thingys. He said it made him feel bad. (I resisted the urge to say it sounds like a personal issue. I wish all it took was the mere re-ordering of slides to make me feel happy). Maybe there's a life lesson in there somewhere about having more positives than negatives. I kid but his comments were very helpful.

We'll see how it goes Friday in front of the VP. I have been warned that if I bore him he will take out his phone and start playing with it. Oh, I know that feeling. Maybe we can bond over the fact that we both find people so uninteresting.

The funniest part was that last night somebody texted me and asked why I got home so late. I was going to text back, "I'm late because I was doing a sales presentation." Although right before I pushed send, I noticed I had written, "I'm late because I was doing a salesman."

Quote of the Day: Herman Melville

"Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people's hats off--then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can."


You know it's going to be a long day when you ask for onions instead of broccoli in your salad, and not only do they bring you a salad piled high with broccoli but they also charge you fifty cents for extra broccoli. Oh, the daily indignities I must suffer in post-industrial America.

Quote of the Day: W. Somerset Maugham

"Only a mediocre person is always at his best."


Speaking of being at their best, how about that forty-seven year-old Scottish virgin who can really sing? I have to admit it made my cynical heart grow a few sizes bigger so now it's only two sizes too small.


I heard a perplexing line in a rap/hip-hop song today. Some guy was trying to compliment some girl by telling her how good she looked by telling her she was shaped like a Coke bottle. What? That doesn't sound like a compliment to me. Maybe it's a race thing because I just don't understand it. Am I miss something here?


So there's this homeless guy I run into two or three times a week that I know well enough to say hi to. He's a very tall, elegantly dressed black man who even keeps his beard nicely trimmed. The only way I know he's homeless is because he's always out there digging through the trash cans and eating what he finds. He has a big smile on his face every time I see him, you know the kind of smile that only drugs or insanity can produce. Nobody can be that happy all the time without something being seriously wrong with them.

Today, he motioned for me to stop so I stopped and pulled my headphones out of my ears. He said, "I want to tell you something important."

"Yes?" I said cautiously.

"It looks like you've been losing lots of weight and I just want to tell you I'm very proud of you."

"Thanks."

"I mean it. You look damn good."

Homeless men really aren't my targeted demographic but I'll take the compliment anyway.


Guess what I have to do tomorrow on a Saturday? Prepare a PowerPoint presentation for Monday. I would have liked a little more notice but such is life. Being a grown-up is never as fun as you were lead to believe it was going to be.

Quote of the Day: W. Somerset Maugham

"She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit." I really hope that doesn't describe my blog but sometimes I wonder.


Man, I've been slammed this week. I spent all morning in a company meeting where I learned that the water set on conference tables in hotels are only for decoration, at least according to my manager anyway. Maybe I should have listened to him because drinking it did present me with with an interesting dilemma. Do I dishonor myself and my family for generations to come by walking out when the EVP of Sales (My boss's boss's boss) is speaking or do I dishonor myself by urinating on myself in front of him? This was not the easy choice it may appear now because my table was right in front of his nose and my manager had been exhorting us all day about looking like we were paying attention. Apparently, some people on my team like to sleep or daydream or play with their iPhone during meetings. Needless to say, I chose dishonor this morning.

Something else weird happened this morning. During one of the presentations, the guy at the table next to me leaned back as far as he could and started doing what I can only describe as some kind of whirling-dervish yoga meditation exercise that required him to wobble his head to and fro until he hit me in the head with it. The most disturbing part was that after his head collided into mine he just left it there. My head being used as a pillow made me feel so dirty that I didn't know how to react. I was so uncomfortable that after a few seconds I actually moved my chair up to my own table and stopped leaning back like a slob.

The really sad part is that was the most cuddling I've had in months.

Quote of the Day: Mark Twain

Whenever I am about to publish a book, I feel an impatient desire to know what kind of a book it is. Of course I can find this out only by waiting until the critics shall have printed their reviews. I do know, beforehand, what the verdict of the general public will be, because I have a sure and simple method of ascertaining that. Which is this -- if you care to know. I always read the manuscript to a private group of friends, composed as follows:

1. Man and woman with no sense of humor.

2. Man and woman with medium sense of humor.

3. Man and woman with prodigious sense of humor.

4. An intensely practical person.

5. A sentimental person.

6. Person who must have a moral in, and a purpose.

7. Hypercritical person -- natural flaw-picker and fault-finder.

8. Enthusiast -- person who enjoys anything and everything, almost.

9. Person who watches the others, and applauds or condemns with the majority.

10. Half a dozen bright young girls and boys, unclassified.

11. Person who relishes slang and familiar flippancy.

12. Person who detests them.

13. Person of evenly balanced judicial mind.

14. Man who always goes to sleep.

These people accurately represent the general public. Their verdict is the sure forecast of the verdict of the general public. There is not a person among them whose opinion is not valuable to me; but the man whom I most depend upon -- the man whom I watch with the deepest solicitude -- the man who does most toward deciding me as to whether I shall publish the book or burn it, is the man who always goes to sleep. If he drops off within fifteen minutes, I burn the book; if he keeps awake three-quarters of an hour, I publish -- and I publish with the greatest confidence, too. For the intent of my works is to entertain; and by making this man comfortable on a sofa and timing him, I can tell within a shade or two what degree of success I am going to achieve. His verdict has burned several books for me -- five, to be accurate.


For the record, I take none of this seriously but it is rather funny.

Quote of the Day: Samuel Beckett

"Where I am, I don't know, I'll never know, in the silence you don't know, you must go on, I can't go on, I'll go on."

That's pretty much how I feel about the performance review I have to write this week. That thing is supposed to be four pages long. I even have to come up with five-year career goals which is tough because I can't even imagine what my life will be like in five years. So far the only goal I have is: "Don't end up in a Turkish prison."

I am of the firm belief that the performance review process should be ended not mended. I read one article in the Wall Street Journal about them so now I'm pretty much an expert. http://online.wsj.com/article/SB122426318874844933.html



Today, I learned that my office is a much more Darwinian environment than I could have ever imagined. Here's an actual conversation from today.

Me: "Curses. Somebody ate the only Cadbury Egg."
Co-Worker: "You mean the creme one?"
Me: "Yes."
Co-Worker: "I ate it and I don't even like Cadbury Eggs."
Me: "Why did you eat it then?"
Co-Worker: "Because it was the biggest piece of candy so I figured everybody else wanted. That's just how I was raised."
Me: "Apparently, Redmond is a much tougher town than I thought."

Don't worry, I shall have my revenge.


Today at work, I had to place a call to the Executive Vice President of the Mortgage Securitization Division at Fannie Mae. Apparently, he is now longer there. I guess there was some kind of scandal about him ruining the country that necessitated his departure. Who knew?

Quote of the Day: Socrates

“True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing.”


Here's an actual conversation I had this weekend:

Anonymous Friend: "I can't believe you just said that. You have so much to learn about women it's not even funny."
Me: "Trust me, I'm well aware of that fact."
AF: "You're lucky it was me because another girl probably would have punched you."

The best part was that after we left the cafe and went our separate ways, I had to ask her to come help me find my car because I couldn't remember where I'd parked it. I only swallowed my pride and called her after wandering around Capitol Hill for a half-hour. I dropped out of Boy Scouts when I was eleven, and I can genuinely say that that was the only time I ever regretted that decision. Yeah, my sense of manhood took a pretty big hit that day. I obviously don't have the direction gene that men are supposed to. Luckily, my iPhone (aka my best friend and lover) is making this less and less of a problem everyday.

Continuing with our theme of me not knowing anything, my roommate came downstairs the other day and told me the plumber had come and gone.

Me: "Does the faucet drip any more?"
Roommate: "No, but he said you have to release the valve after you take a shower every time or it will keep doing it."
Me: "How do you release the valve?"
Roommate: "Just turn the handle up."
Me: "Which one?"
Roommate: "The middle one?"
Me: "What?"
Roommate: "The one you use to turn on the shower."
Me: "How the hell do you release that one? Can't you just turn it off?"
Roommate: "No, because water is still in it. Just do that opposite of what you do when you start taking your shower."
I laughed. "What is wrong with me? Why can't I visualize this process? I guess I've never paid attention before. Wow."

So this weekend I learned that I don't have the understanding women gene, the directional gene, or the mechanical/paying attention gene. I'm still a pretty smart guy, just not as smart as I like to think sometime.

This whole thing reminds me of a conversation I had a few weeks ago with somebody about the different types of intelligence. Apparently, some people think there are seven. That could explain why smart people do really dumb things sometimes. Check it out. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Multiple_intelligences

Isn't it weird how seven seems to be the magic number for everything? God created the earth in seven days. Some people argue that all literature can be explained by seven basic plots. And, of course, there are seven dwarfs.

I wonder if it's better to be slightly better than average at all seven types of intelligence or really superior at one or two things? I wonder who's happier? I guess both those options are better than being horrible in all seven categories.

Wow.

I just realized I doubled my quota for Quarter 1. I am definitely buying tickets to Europe when I get paid at the end of the month.

Quote of the Day: G.K. Chesterton

"'The men who really believe in themselves are all in lunatic asylums."



Have you ever heard of something called Impostor Syndrome? I learned about it a while ago and my life had never been the same since. If you're curious, fell free to visit one of my favorite blogs. http://nigeness.blogspot.com/2009/03/is-it-syndrome.html


You should really take the quiz ( http://impostorsyndrome.com/) because I bet you will be surprised to discover that you suffer from some variant of it. I think a lot of people feel like they are just muddling through most of the time, just like the great men and women of history did. At least I hope it's not just me, anyway. Honestly, too much of the time I feel like a 16-year-old illegally squatting in the body of a 30-year-old; like when someone tells me to turn my music down or do anything else that I don't want to.


I think society really needs to resist this current trend of medicalizing (Yes, I made that word up.) every form of human behavior we find slightly questionable or unpleasant. If you lack confidence, you may not necessarily need a therapist. You just need to do what I do every morning. I look in the mirror and tell myself that, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and - doggone it - people like me."


Speaking of not liking people, today my co-worker brought in a CD that contained the song "Muskrat Love" on it because he thought it would be fun to listen to on his speakers with no headphones. The only thing that saved my day from being ruined by that atrocity was the news that my whole team is getting a pretty big raise. I mean, we're talking double digits here. Not a bad way to end a very long week.


Now I need to get to work on my self-review. Man, I hate those things and I really question their effectiveness. It's hard when you are as perfect as I am and can't find any areas of improvement because that always tends to rub managers the wrong way.

Make My Day or Get Off My Lawn

I saw the movie "Gran Torino" last weekend and the more I think about the more I liked it. Clint Eastwood plays a racist grumpy old man who actually does say, "Get off my lawn." Trust me it's quite intimidating the way he says it. It's hard not to be reminded of his "make my day" line from the Dirty Harry movies. In fact, it's impossible not be reminded of Dirty Harry while watching the whole movie and that's what makes this movie work so well.

Eastwood plays Walter, a recently widowed Korean War veteran and retired autoworker who is not happy being the last white man in dying town that is Detroit. (Remember, this is the town where you can buy a house for $7500 big ones.) At the start of the movie, he has completely shut himself off from the rest of humanity. All he does is sit on his porch all day and drink beer and talk to his dog. That all changes when a fatherless Hmong family moves in next door. Through the kind of events that can only happen in a screenplay, he becomes their hero by saving them from a Hmong gang. He also helps the boy become a man by teaching him how to do things like ask girls out and fix things with tools. Finally, he sacrifices himself to save them and in his will he leaves the son his prized Ford Gran Torino. I know this all sounds very cliched and it would be in the hands of a lesser filmmaker.

What makes this movie work is Clint Eastwood's acting and the mythology of film he brings with him to every role. This movie only works as a conclusion/apology to the Dirty Harry series. In those movies Harry Callahan uses violence to bring justice to the world and that's where this movie makes you think it's going. Walter retaliates with violence once which only leads to more violence when the gang retaliates in a horrific fashion. That's when it appears that Walter is going to go kick some ass Dirty Harry style but then he doesn't, making us question all our assumptions about redemptive violence. The subtlety of the whole thing makes it work. There is no big scene where anybody breaks down and cries. There is no hugging either because men don't hug. He starts out a gruff old man and ends up a humanized gruff old man.

Anyway, this movie is definitely worth seeing; especially, in a culture like ours where violence and violent imagery plays such a large role.

Quote of the Day: Allen Drury

"Growing up, as he came to understand after he had gotten safely through it, was essentially the process of learning not to care."


I don't really feel like blogging a whole lot today. I do have one more point I need to make though. If you want to help your fellow man while you are in traffic the best thing you can do is follow the rules of the road. They exist for a reason and don't need you trying to circumvent them by being excessively polite.

Quote of the Day: Charles Maurice de Talleyrand

"The Bourbons remember everything and learn nothing." By the way, Napoleon's foreign minster was talking about the French royal line called the Bourbons not the drink.


As I was taking my daily walk this morning, I realized that I know my work neighborhood and it's routines so well that I could help plan a heist if I wanted to. (Yes, I know that's a strange thought to have but you should know that I spent a good part of formative years watching crime dramas.) For instance, I know exactly what time the security guards at Pike Place Market take their smoke break. Now, if only I could think of something worth stealing there. I do like fish so maybe I should start there; but then again, I don't like dirty smelly things so maybe I shouldn't. It doesn't seem very smart to me to let your security guards take a break everyday at the same place at the same time.


The security guards aren't the only ones I observe on a daily basis. I've been amazed lately at how little variation there is in everybody's routine and I am no exception. If I don't buy a banana at the store downstairs every day at 5:45AM I get questioned the next time I'm in there about my health and safety. I have the construction workers, the shop-owners, the corporate lackeys with their laptop cases, the hookers, and the cops all figured out. The only people I haven't figured out yet are the homeless but I see the same ones all the time at the same places so I know there must be some kind of pattern to their migratory habits. I will keep trying to discern what is and report back when I know. Why do I pay so much attention to the little mundane details of life? I have no idea. I hate it when authors spend pages describing settings and I really don't do it all that much in my own fiction, but it sure is fun to do in my head.


I have noticed one person whose routine seems to be changing. My girlfriend is opening up the cafe she works at later and later. You may think I'm using the word girlfriend too loosely since we've never spoken or even made eye contact. Let me just say that in my experience I've never found that things like talking and acknowledging each other's existence makes things better. In fact, they tend to ruin the magic. I think her tardiness can be blamed on the guy who is now taking her to work in his pick-up everyday. I swear I'm not paranoid but I am beginning to get the vague impression that I am slowly being replaced. So that's why I don't feel bad about putting the homing device on his car this morning.

Quote of the Day: Marcel Proust

"Happiness is beneficial for the body but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind." Well Proust certainly believed that depression fuels creativity. You may remember that a paraphrasing of this quote played a fairly prominent role in the movie "Little Miss Sunshine." I'm thinking about the impetus behind creativity this morning because I had a conversation about it last night. I have plenty of thoughts on the subject but I really don't feel like sharing them today because I took the day off from work so I could enjoy the sunshine and catch up on my fiction. Instead, I thought I would share a story about what happened the time I tried to read a magazine article in the Atlantic Monthly about Abe Lincoln and his depression; who, by the way dealt with pretty severe depression all his life. He even contemplated suicide on a not infrequent basis.

So a few years ago, I flew down to Denver for my friend's wedding. I missed my flight home because the cashier at the BP gas station told me to go north instead of south. I began to suspect I was on the wrong path in life when I came across a sign that told me Buffalo Bill's grave and the state Utah were up ahead.

My flight was leaving when I pulled up to the airport so they told me I had to fly standby on the next flight. As I was wandering around killing time, I bought an issue of the magazine The Atlantic Monthly that looked quite interesting because of the Lincoln article and one on experimental fiction. There was room on the next flight so I didn't get a chance to read any of it in the airport.

On the plane, they gave me a middle seat which was very uncomfortable because I am pretty big guy; physically, mentally, and spiritually. Just when I beginning to get hopeful that the passenger on my left side was not going to show up, he did. He was a big guy too, but he was big in a muscle-bound no-neck kind of guy. He was wearing a tank-top, tiny shorts, and smelled like he just came from the gym. Oh yeah, and he was also incredibly hairy. Needless to say, I knew this guy and I were not going to strike up a life long friendship.

The first thing he said was that I was way too big for the middle. I agreed but told him since I was on standby there was nothing we could do. He decided that one thing he could do was repeat that phrase over and over until everyone was looking at us and whispering. My favorite part was when he said, "I'm not trying to be rude or anything but you're just too big." Why would I think that was rude?

When I finally went to open my magazine which I'd been dying to do for hours, he said, "This is criminal putting you here next to me."

Finally, a flight attendant came up to me and whispered, "We can move you if it won't make things too awkward."

"Oh, I think we're way past the awkward stage, don't you?" I said.

She came back five minutes later and said that somebody agreed to trade seats with me. When I got to my new seat I heard her tell the person I would be sitting by, "Here's the special passenger."

Now I should go back to the beginning and mention that as we were boarding, I saw a very attractive woman ahead of my in the line. I remember thinking she was exactly my type and if there was any justice in the world I would end up sitting by her. (I'm not sure what I thought would happen. It's not like I was going to hit on a complete stranger. Like most of us, I am much more heroic in my dreams mind than in real life.) So anyway, guess who my new seatmate was? That's right, the hot chick.

This should have been good news but since I had been referred to as a "special passenger" she was apparently under the impression that I was mentally-handicapped. She talked to me in that condescending voice that stupid people use to communicate with dogs, kids, and foreigners. She said things like: "Now let me know if you need to get up and use the bathroom." "You're brave for flying all by yourself." "Do you need a drink of water." "You're not getting hungry, are you?" That was pretty much the longest two hours of my life. On the plus side, I really was able to empathize with good old Abe.

The article was quite intriguing though. I may even talk about it later this week.

Quote of the Day: Rilke

"Do not assume that he who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, he would never have been able to find these words." This quote is always good to remember when you're given advice or words of comfort that seem overly simplistic.


I am now a fish, a marketable one.
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2009/04/06/sainsbury-s-rename-pollack-colin-in-bid-to-sell-more-fish-115875-21256852/


I'm having a pretty long day. I've made eighty-two phone calls and talked to one person. I think I need a day off. Hopefully, it stays sunny until I can arrange that.


This week, I have decided to pull off my greatest heist yet. I am going to steal a conference chair because they are so much nicer than mine. Mine has no padding, is tilted at a funny angle, and is covered in fabric that could have come from a 1970's airline. The conference chairs are stuffed full of softness and goodness and covered in rich black leather. I figure I can pull it off because I get here before everyone else. The key is not to leave my old chair anywhere conspicuous. I don't think I'm stealing; besides, they'll never take me alive anyway.


Blogging will be light for a couple days, because I have an extraneous writing assignment I need to complete. I plan on reviewing the movie "Gran Torino" this week and explain why it is much more than a vehicle for Clint Eastwood to squint and say every racial slur in the book. I'm pretty sure he made some up too just like Shakespeare used to make up words.

Quote of the Day: Rainer Maria Rilke (Poem)

Archaic Torso of Apollo

We cannot know his legendary head

with eyes like ripening fruit. And yet his torso

is still suffused with brilliance from inside,

like a lamp, in which his gaze, now turned to low,

gleams in all its power. Otherwise

the curved breast could not dazzle you so, nor could

a smile run through the placid hips and thighs

to that dark center where procreation flared.

Otherwise this stone would seem defaced

beneath the translucent cascade of the shoulders

and would not glisten like a wild beast’s fur:

would not, from all the borders of itself,

burst like a star: for here there is no place

that does not see you. You must change your life.

I've thought a lot about changing my life this week and by "changing my life" I mean move somewhere the sun deems worthy of a visit more than once every couple months; but now that the sun is out I feel much better. This weather does make me feel like swearing sometimes. Like a lot and really bad swearing too.

Today, on the bus I saw a guy transporting his lunch in a portable fridge and it was so big that it took up two whole seats by itself. I wonder if he does that every day. I hope he doesn't ecause he kept hitting people with it as he got on and off the bus. I guess he's as opposed to warm, smashed-up homemade lunches as much as I am.

We'll head out for the weekend on a positive note. Balance has been restored to the universe because the owner is making my sandwiches again and I don't even have to say a word to her now. The thought has occured to me that I may be becoming a bit too predictable. Although in my defense, I must say that I only ate there twice this week.

Quote of the Day: Cyrill Connolly

"A life based on reason will always require to be balanced by an occasional bout of violent and irrational emotion, for the instinctual drives must be satisfied."

Today as I was walking through the bus tunnel, I had the urge to run across the road simply because the reader board flashing above my head told me I was forbidden to do so for my own safety. Isn't human nature a funny thing? The more we are told not do something the more we want to do it. Let's face it, Eve probably would have eaten the apple even without the serpent's tempting.

That's why I have liked the Islamic theological term "haram" ever since I heard it. (Please correct me if I am using it wrong, by the way.) In Islam, there are different types of sin and haram is the worst kind. It means "forbidden" but I believe it also carries the connotation of something that is so enticing because it is so forbidden. I could be way off base; so if I am blame my Introduction to Monotheistic Religions professor at UW. Anyway, that was me in the bus tunnel today.

You'll be glad to know that I did not run across the road and die. Instead, I contented myself with walking on the yellow rubber strip next to the edge. None of the security guards said anything which was a bit of a disappointment.

It's a good thing I didn't die too because I would never have read these articles today. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/28/opinion/28Tartakovsky.html?_r=1
http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg20127001.200-why-money-messes-with-your-mind.html?full=true&print=true

I am also buying a laptop this weekend - I think anyway- that I am quite excited about and death would have put a pretty big kink in those plans. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should buy?

Quote of the Day: Albert Einstein

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity." Okay, so things aren't that bad with me and technology but it's getting close. I now have my iPhone privileges back which may or may not be a good thing.

Let me give you a little background to help explain why that fascist ban was instituted in the first place. I seriously hate meetings. It's hard not to look at them as nothing more than time-burglars taking me away from more important things. Historically, I have tending to use one of three coping methods to survive them: get bored and start daydreaming, sleep (a surprisingly easy thing to do when you get up at 3:30 AM every day), or make random comments to amuse myself. I've been caught sleeping so many times it's not even funny. Okay, maybe it is a little funny. I've really tried to stop sleeping in meetings because you know what happens when you do? People get mad at you. Apparently, falling asleep when people are talking is a sign of rudeness. My boss must have noticed that positive life change because he came up to me last week and told that he appreciated the effort I've been making not to fall asleep in meetings. I should have just graciously said thanks and went about my day but instead, I said, "You have my iPhone to thank for that." That was a big mistake because he's been on my case about playing with it ever since.

He finally dropped the hammer on Friday during our monthly All-Hands Sales meeting/conference call. Meetings are bad enough but they are almost insufferable when people are presenting from the other side of the country using nothing but Power Point. So I got bored and started reading an article on my iPhone. I can't even remember what it was about but I remember it was pretty engrossing at the time. My actions probably wouldn't have been so damning if I hadn't decided I was bored two minutes into it. I'll be honest, I wasn't even remotely trying to pay attention and my boss knew it. Pretty soon I felt a tap on my shoulder and then I saw a hand waving in my face trying to take my iPhone from me. I put it back in my pocket and said I was sorry. He said, "I'm serious. Put it away." By this time, everyone around the conference table was looking at us with looks of abject horror and surprise on their faces at the whole thing. My boss is usually pretty laid back about everything but I guess rudeness is one of his pain points. (In my defense I would like to point out that by the end of the hour everybody was playing around on their blackberries.) Afterwards, he told me my phone was not allowed in our next meeting. I didn't bother pointing out that maybe back-to-back meetings are part of the problem. His final edict on the matter was, "I don't want to see it again in another meeting. I'm serious." So that's how things stood until yesterday when I smuggled my phone into a meeting and started playing with it without getting into trouble. So even though no one told me the ban was over, I've decided to make an executive decision and end it. I'm hoping he'll forget all about it by our next staff meeting on Friday.

I really do need to stop playing with technology so much. The other night some friends of mine yelled at me for being rude every time I pulled my phone out to play with it and it did happen quite a bit. I can't help it. I feel like I need to have my mind stimulated all the time and reading does that better than anything else. (Maybe if people were more interesting I wouldn't have to resort to technology. Wow, that does sound kind of rude, doesn't it?) I can only imagine how bad I am going to be when I start using the Kindle application on my iPhone. It also doesn't help that my role at work requires me too be very responsive to customer emails and phone calls. I'd hate to think we missed a deal because I was to busy interacting with the real world. Pretty much the only time I ignore technology is when I am reading or writing fiction. I mean I even screen my calls during that part of the day. So if I ever answer your phone call in the evening it means I really like you or I forget to check who was calling.

So my new goal is to carry my fiction technology management strategy over into other areas of my life. Who knows, I may even enjoy interact with my physical environment if I can resist the urge to shout, "Come on, world, be more interesting." Especially in public.