Quote of the Day: Garrison Keiler

"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together."

This is probably my last post for the year because I am heading out to Idaho in a few hours. I've even got my special airport slip-ons on because tying my shoes is one of me least favorite tasks. I get stage fright when people are watching me do it too.

By the way, I am so excited about riding the light rail that I am sure I am way past the geekiness threshold.

Recently, I figured out a way to write fiction on my iPhone that I am currently pioneering to perfection. I can just email documents to myself and compose them wherever I happen to be. This is going to be great. Now I have one more tool in my arsenal to help me ignore the world around me so I can focus on my rich inner-life. I figure more and more people read on mobile devices so I might as well see what my work is going to look like in that medium before other people do.

Today, I answered the age-old question about what happen when you put Diet 7-up and Crystal Light in the same bottle and shake vigorously. Guess what happen? You get sprayed in the eye with red liquid, the same red liquid you have to wipe up off your desk. I kid you not. I think I was legally blind for a split-second. I was really seeing red there for a minute.

I am going to this place (http://www.supersizedmeals.com/food/article.php/20070208-Big_Burger_Boise_Idaho) tonight because I figure when it comes to breaking your diet, it's either "Go Big or Go Home."


Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Let's try to remember their Christian meaning and not their Pagan meaning.


PS
Next year I will be more diligent with my blog. I know I have been phoning it in since my wedding but that ends January 4th. I will be back.

Quote of the Day: Jack Handy (SNL)

"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books."

I discovered a new author a few weeks ago. His names is Tim Winton and he is from Australia. Apparently, he's quite well known over there but not here which is why it took me so long to hear of him. As soon as I read the first 100 pages of his novel "Cloudstreet" I knew I would have to read everything he's ever written even if I was a little confused about the characters in the story celebrating Christmas in the summertime until I remembered that whole southern hemisphere thing. His latest book "Breath" should be here soon. It should be good. It's some kind of Christian/Surfing novel.


Does anybody else have a toothbrush guy at work? I do and I have grown to loathe his very presence. He hogs all the sink space in the bathroom for like 15 minutes every morning. Why does he have to do that right when he gets in? Does he commute to work in the back of a Hostess truck? I suspect his real motive is to make the rest of us feel bad for not being so orally health-conscious which could explain why we hate him because nobody likes a self-righteous show-off. "Oh, look at you, you're just so much better than the rest of us who floss with licorice and gargle with Mountain Dew." Someday I am going to hold him down and make him swallow pure high-fructose corn syrup. I'm thinking Hawaiian Punch Concentrate might be just what the doctor ordered.


I found this amusing so too bad if nobody else does. A few years ago, I sent some flowers to my friend Sharon on her birthday. Ever since, I have been besieged with emails from ProFlowers telling me to buy here more flowers regardless of the occasions. They really amp up the number of emails during the month of her birthday. They must have finally realized recently that if I hadn't responded in two years they needed to change their tactics a little because they wrote, "2 Great Offers! Two great offers, 1 great gift for Sharon or anyone special!" Now I get lots of emails reminding me that they don't have to be just for Sharon. It's like they are trying to make up for committing some horrible social faux pas after they realized we may not a couple. I keep expecting them to offer to send her a horse's head for me along with my divorce proceedings.

Quote of the Day: Lao Tzu

“Silence is a source of great strength.”

Quote of the Day: G.K. Chesterton

"If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly."


So that's what I am doing today.

Quote of the Day: Gustave Flaubert

"I can imagine nothing in the world preferable to a nice, well-heated room, with the books one loves and the leisure one wants."

So I ran into some French people unsuccessfully trying to get money out of an ATM machine today. At first, I was annoyed because they were holding everybody up and I only had five minutes before I had to jump on a call. But then I remembered the time in Paris on my honeymoon when I couldn't access my money and I realized that was the wrong attitude to have. I shouldn't be impatient because someone is inconveniencing me when there the ones that are stranded in a strange foreign city all by themselves. Instead, I should be happy that they are French. It serves them right. I can't prove it but they looked suspiciously like the Parisian mother and son combo who laughed at us for eating too much of the free breakfast that morning we were starving because we had no money to buy food.

Sorry I have not been blogging too much. I've just been slammed at work and not with good things like prospect meetings. I have had two or three internal meeting a day because we are doing a bit of restructuring here. It's more of a sales process redesign than a personnel one. Still, it would be nice to know what I am getting paid right now as I type this.

Quote of the Day: Noel Coward

"Work is much more fun than fun."


Luckily, that's what I am doing today.


Anna, I swear I'll do a real post soon.

Quote of the Day: Samuel Johnson

"He who has so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in fruitless efforts."


I have no time today.


By the way, the quote yesterday was by Herodotus not Thucydides. I've always had trouble telling my ancient Greek historians apart.

Quote of the Day: Herodotus

"The greatest pain a man can suffer is to have insight over much and power over nothing."


Sunday School did not go so bad this week.

Quote of the Day: Samuel Johnson

"Hope is itself a species of happiness, and, perhaps, the chief happiness which this world affords."

I believe the Seattle Times may have a race problem. Check this out.

Here's a review I read this morning of this movie Invictus which is about the Nobel Laureate and former South African leader Nelson Mandela.

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/movies/2010474493_mr11invictus.html?cmpid=2628

And here's a screenshot of how the bottom of the story looked this morning. (Check out the bottom where it suggests similar stories I might also enjoy.)

Some of the suggestions make sense, the baseball one is just weird, but the one about Maurice Clemmons blows my mind. In case you don't know, Maurice Clemmons is the crazy guy who killed all those cops down in Tacoma who was later killed himself by the police. About the only thing his story has in common with the movie is that they both involve black people. I'm not one to call racism very often but this is too suspicious to let slide. Apparently the Seattle Times though so too because they later removed the link. I'm sure a faulty algorithm somewhere is to blame but it's still quite funny.

Quote of the Day: Christina Rossetti

"Better by far you should forget and smile that you should remember and be sad."


Sometimes, I think I work at a strange place.

Today, someone said, "Stop moaning so much when I'm trying to leave a message."

Another person said, "Once I took off all my clothes for a cookie."

At our Christmas party last weekend, we basically had a burlesque troupe providing the entertainment because nothing says "Merry Christmas" like scantily clad-girls on stilts grinding provocatively together. (Here's a fun side not in keeping with this week's theme of homeless defecation. My co-worker found a box of excrement blocking his car door after the party.)

I also think I may have increased the weirdness quotient today when I found myself pretending that my banana was a gun. Luckily no one was injured before I subdued myself.

Quote of the Day: Travis Chlarson (My Father)

"I consider Christmas just a disruption of normal business operations." My dad may not remember saying it but I sure do because it was pretty funny. He said it a few years ago to a customer over the phone on Christmas Eve. I'm sure he was half-joking but it does bring up a good point; sales can be a very lonely occupation during the holiday season. No one calls you back. There are no emails in your in-box, not even of the "Take Me Off Your List" variety. Most people are on vacation or too busy to schedule meetings. You can almost forget about hitting quota when you need money for Christmas shopping the most. I talked to a very interested prospect yesterday who wanted to meet with my company and we had to schedule the meeting for the 30th because that was the only day this month both of our teams would be in the office.



I am a little bored today so I thought I would deconstruct a few beloved secular Christmas songs. That's right, bad Collin is out in full force today.



The first up on the list is "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." Pay attention to how dark and fatalistic the original version is. It's the perfect song to listen to while you drink yourself into a numbing oblivion. You can see that there are now now three versions that get progressively more upbeat with each one. We have three versions because Judy Garland refused to sing the original one in "Meet Me in St. Louis" unless they changed the lyrics so they did and Frank Sinatra took that one and made it even more saccharine and sappy. I have highlighted a few noteworthy phrases in each version. The most important theme to note is that in the first one the good things in life are what are disappearing and by the time we get to Old Blue Eye's version our troubles are what's disappearing. It's too bad because I have always liked philosophical implications of the phrase "muddle through." There's nothing wrong with a little stoicism.











ORIGINAL VERSION
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
It may be your last
Next year we may all be living in the past
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Pop that champagne cork
Next year we may all be living in New York
No good times like the olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who were dear to us
Will be near to us no more
But at least we all will be together
If the Lord allows
From now on, we'll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now

JUDY GARLAND VERSION
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
Next year all our troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yuletide gay
Next year all our troubles will be miles away
Once again as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who were dear to us
Will be near to us once more
Someday soon we all will be together
If the fates allow
Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now

FRANK SINATRA VERSION
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
From now on, our troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yuletide gay
From now on, our troubles will be miles away
Here we are as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more
Through the years we all will be together
If the fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now





Next up on the list is "Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer." I don't have much to add on this one other than that I am pretty sure that Grandpa killed Grandma and his dutiful grandson is trying to provide an alibi. I imagine this one taking place in a police interrogation room. (I also may have a sick mind.)



grandma got runover by a reindeer
walking home from our house christmas eve
you could say theres no such thing as santa
but as for me and grandpa we believe
she'd been drinking too much egg nog
and we begged her not to go
but she forgot her medication
and she staggered out the door into the snow
when we found her the Christmas morning
at the scene of the attack
she had hoofprints on her fore head
and incriminating Clause marks on her back
grandma got runover by a reindeer
walking home from our house christmas eve
you could say theres no such thing as santa
but as for me and grandpa we believe
now we're all so proud of grandpa
he's been taking this so well
see him in there watching football
drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Nel
its not christmas without grandma
all the family's dressed in black
and we just cant help but wonder
should we open up her gifts or send them back?
(send them back!)
grandma got runover by a reindeer
walking home from our house christmas eve
you could say theres no such thing as santa
but as for me and grandpa we believe
now the goose is on the table
and the pudding made of fig (ah!)
and the blue and silver candles
that would just have matched the hair in grandmas wig
i've warned all our friends and neighbours
better watch out for yourselves
they should never give a license
to a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves
grandma got runover by a reindeer
walking home from our house christmas eve
you could say theres no such thing as santa
but as for me and grandpa we believe
(sing it grandpa!)
grandma got runover b

Quote of the Day: Mozart

An adolescent asked Mozart how to compose symphonies. Mozart said that because the lad was so young, perhaps he should begin composing ballads. "But," the young man objected, "you wrote symphonies when you were only 10 years old." Mozart replied: "But I didn't have to ask how."

I stole this quote from a Newsweek column because I am too busy to do anything else. Perhaps, later this week I can tell you a great work story when the dust clears.

Quote of the Day: Elaine from Seinfeld

"We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder." That's what Elaine says when Jerry asks her what girls do instead of giving people wedgies.


I got a new calling at church last week that I can finally make public. I am now the Sunday School teacher for the 14 and 15 year-olds. I've taught Sunday School many times before but the age group is new. Yesterday, I taught my first lesson with mixed results. I just assumed it wouldn't be all that different from teaching adults and that they would hang on my every word, enthralled. Turns out that didn't quite happen and I doubt it ever happened with the adults either . They spent a good part of the time talking with each other about random nonsense like all teenagers do. There were even a few wisecracks made at my expense which is probably payback for my teenage years. The class only consisted of seven girls because the three boys were absent so that may have explained the incessant talking. Other than one "mean girl" type comment about someone's brown shoes they all seemed like fairly nice kids. I just had a hard time keeping them on track because they liked to talk so much. I need to remember that church is just as much a social experience for kids as it is for adults. The only difference is that I could ignore the adults talking amongst themselves because the classroom was so much bigger. I think I need to be firmer next time about shutting up. I must have looked pretty weak and pathetic because the biggest talker came up afterwards and apologized for talking so much.

We did have some good times. They told me I was dumb for losing my ring after six weeks of marriage. They seemed to enjoy some parts of my lesson because we got a pretty good discussion going at the end. They laughed at my jokes too so they can't be all bad.

So now I have a new mission in life: figure out how to teach this kids. And if that's too much, then learning how to survive forty-five minutes with them without having a nervous breakdown. I think I am going to be relying on Stacey's kid expertise a lot. Things should go better if I could a little tougher with the girls and be more flexible with my lesson plan and just go where the discussion leads.

This experience has made me realize that I was darn lucky to make it out of my teenage years without one of my religious or secular teachers strangling me. Sometimes, I was more interested with causing mischief and cracking jokes than with paying attention. Okay, a lot of the time. I think of one poor guy who seemed to have some kind of teaching responsibility over me at church from the time I was twelve until the time I turned eighteen. Man, I must have been a pain.


Still, a hectic Sunday School lesson sure beats walking to your building in twenty-degree weather to find the sidewalk iced over because it had to be pressure-washed to remove "something even" worse than vomit. According to the shopkeeper downstairs, the entryway had to be cleaned because some homeless person had used it as his personal toilet all weekend.


Update:
The other hopeful sign with the girls was that they strongly encouraged me to teach lessons off my iPhone.

Quote of the Day: Thomas Carlyle

"A man lives by believing something: not by debating and arguing about many things."

I don't have much to say today. There are big doings at work that I can't talk about yet.

Quote of the Day: Thomas Mann

"Nothing is stranger, more delicate, than the relationship between people who know each other only by sight - who encounter and observe each other daily, even hourly, and yet are compelled by the constraint of convention or by their own temperament to keep up the pretence of being indifferent strangers, neither greeting nor speaking to each other. Between them is uneasiness and overstimulated curiosity, the nervous excitement of an unsatisfied, unnaturally suppressed need to know and to communicate; and above all, too, a kind of strained respect. For man loves and respects his fellow man for as long as he is not yet in a position to evaluate him, and desire is born of defective knowledge."


While, I can't say that I love all my fellow bus passengers they have become more interesting in the past few weeks. I am not sure why but my afternoon bus has become full of gangsters, druggies, homeless people, and general ne'er-do-wells. These people can be very loud and a little intimidating so they make the bus feel very full even if it's not. I have also learned that some of them do not have the same concept of personal space that I do. For instance, I do not think it's appropriate to grab strangers no matter how much your intoxicated state demands that you grab onto something to stop your maniacal swaying.

Yesterday, one of those guys almost ran into me but luckily he ran into the rail by the door first. I have not seen someone that high for a long time. He was higher than a kite on the space shuttle. So anyway, he swayed there for a minute before falling down to his knees and mumbling obscenities. He then proceeded to empty the contents of his pockets out onto the floor. They included a coupple vials of prescription drugs, a very used Kleenex, some cigarettes, a baggie full of white powder, and a homemade crack pipe. I did have to admire the ingenuity he demonstrated by being so creative with nothing more than common household items and electrical tape. He stayed there on his knees until we came to the next stop. He had trouble getting off because he kept dropping his stuff. He held up traffic for quite a while until a young thug kicked him out of the way.

People like that and the woman who has a new boyfriend everyday that she likes to tell stories to in a very loud voice that usually involve getting high, sleeping with people, and using the N-word very loudly make me appreciate my iPod, or my escapepod as I call it, even more.


PS
Although, after being hit by a car yesterday, maybe I should be grateful for the bus because at least no cars can get me there.

Quote of the Day: Norman Mailer

"Writer’s block is only a failure of the ego."

I don't have a lack of ego today just a lack of time.

Quote of the Day: James Michener

"We are never prepared for what we expect."

So I broke down yesterday and bought a new wedding ring. It turns out I had dropped a full ring size since I bought the first one which could explain how it slipped off my hand. I'll tell you one thing, I'm sure glad polygamy is no longer practiced because I wouldn't be able to afford that many rings.

I'm pretty sure I saw a future career criminal at the jewelry store. (Luckily, he was white so I don't feel too guilty for stereotyping him like I've done.) He was probably about eighteen or nineteen and he looked like the kind of person Eminem would have been if he wasn't a rapper. He was dressed like a thug, he had a little girl with him I'm sure was his, and was quite obviously high as a kite. He was buying a three hundred dollar watch as a present for a friend that he paid for out of a huge roll of hundreds. (Now here's a guy who can afford multiple wedding rings.) I mean seriously, how else could a kid that age have that much money? He also just gave off a bad vibe. A different bad vibe than the one that trust-fund kids give off. Yeah, I know I shouldn't stare at people so hard but sometimes I just can't help it.

Today, I realized that nothing makes me feel more alienated from my fellow citizens like reading the iTunes Top 10 list does.

PS
Sorry my blog is so boring lately. I'll get my mojo back soon enough.

Quote of the Day: Cormac McCarthy

"I’m not interested in writing short stories. Anything that doesn’t take years of your life and drive you to suicide hardly seems worth doing."

I was almost killed by Thanksgiving on Wednesday night. Stacey and I stayed in town late that night to have dinner with somebody (who shall remain nameless) on her side of the family. It was an adventure, and I am defining adventure as an experience that is fun to talk about afterwards but not actually go through.

First of all, we got there an hour and a half before anyone else did. When we arrived there and found the person cooking dinner running around frantically, I knew we were in for a good time. Actually, it wasn't all that bad for me because I just had to watch Mickey Mouse with a three year old. To be honest, I found the plot a little cliched. Also, if Mickey doesn't know what tool to use maybe he shouldn't be the leader of their little group. Also, Goofy is creepy. I think he may be a crude racial stereotype too.

But enough with that, let's get back to dinner which I'm sure Stacey had a great time helping with. As she was trying to not lose her sanity helping with the stress-inducing preparations, she discovered that the turkey was not cooked all the way through. There was visible blood in it and the leg would not pop off like it was supposed to. After they got done carving it, it was laying in a pool of blood in the bowl. I am no health expert but I don't think Sushi Turkey is good for you. Stacey warned me not to eat it, but unfortunately, there was no way to tell the rest of the group without hurting the cook's feelings and being cast into her personal outer darkness. If it's any consolation, we did feel bad as we watched them eat it. I'm sure we would have heard about it if someone died so I think we are in the clear.

Quote of the Day: Luc Sante

"I once felt a certain anxiety about my book-lined living room -- it was too much, no? It seemed to belong in the same category as the display of framed degrees in prominent places. Books do furnish a room -- in Anthony Powell's titular phrase -- but that room would be the library, equipped with 14-foot built-ins with a rolling ladder, and I've never had one of those. I had to consider which impulse was the stronger: the wish to let the world admire my complete collection of the works of Raymond Roussel, or the wish not to appear a bore. Having books crowd every inch of wall space in the room in which I entertained imposed a certain burden on the conversation, as if dead authors were leaning in, contributing dry, derisive chuckles."

I think I want a Kindle just so people can stop laughing at me.

Quote of the Day: G.K. Chesterton

“The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.”

I am too busy trying not to freak out about losing my wedding ring today to post anything of substance. (Man, we tore this office apart.) To be honest, I am not sure I am doing too good a job of not freaking out either. Not even the free Diet Mountain Dew I won helped any.

Quote of the Day: CS Lewis

"We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst."

As you can see, the weather has put me in a bit of a foul mood, foul enough to use a CS Lewis quote like everybody else does.

One of my big complaints about the rain is that nobody in Seattle knows how to drive in it. For instance, why is my bus consistently late when it's raining? I mean, if you can't figure out how to drive in the rain maybe being a Seattle Metro bus driver just isn't your calling. I still laugh when I think back to the guy I ran across a long time ago when I was still putting focus group studies together. He called up and told me he was cancelling for that night because of the weather. I asked him why he signed up for a focus group in November in the first place if he was scared of a little rain because it frequently rains that time of year. He said he didn't know it was going to rain when he signed up for it. Guess where he worked? NOAA. (The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration)

Well, Sunday morning, when I went to go run a dog-feeding errand before church I learned that I am no better than anybody else. My car was stuck in the mud because I parked in a bad place against my better judgment and the judgment of my better half. Very stuck. The main problem was that my car kept trying to slide into the Escalade right next to my car every time I went forward. I was not only worried about the financial hit I would take if I hit the other vehicle but also about the literal hit the owner would put on my life if I did so because the Escalade was owned by my drug dealer neighbor. So anyway, I had to wait for him to leave and had to ride to church in Stacey's car for the first time ever. That's it. End of story. Blame the rain if you think it's boring.

Quote of the Day: Anthony Storr

"In Our Western culture, though not in all cultures, man seems so constituted that he can never rest upon his laurels. The moment he has achieved something, be it a position in the world, marriage and a family, a successful piece of research, a new book, painting, or musical composition, he is driven to question its value and look for something more. If problems are not there, he will invent them. Man seems to be a problem-seeking as well as a problem-solving animal. We are programmed to change, develop, and meet new challenges until we die. We are compelled to be perpetual travellers. If we travel hopefully, that is as much as we ought to expect. If we do not, we become depressed. The idea that we can ever arrive at a stable state in which life's problems are settles is an illusion. The only "final solution" is death."

Luckily, I am pretty busy today.

Today the woman who owns the little store downstairs told me I was crazy because she saw me walking down the street, reading a book, listening to music, and sending an email - all at the same time. (She left out my singing along.) She told me lots of things this morning.

She told me a story about a woman who had been begging for a cup of coffee in front of her store all day yesterday. She would tell people she just needed enough money for a cup of coffee; and once she got the money for a cup she would walk into Tully's, get a free cup of ice, and go right back to panhandling. My friend was pretty sure she was using the money to buy drugs. I asked her what she did about it.

She said, "Nothing because I was too scared."
"Why?"
"She was, you know..."
"What?"
"Black," she whispered.
"I thought she was going to knife me or have me jumped."
"Well, we certainly can't have that."


In other news, I have now lost 170 pounds in the past 13 months and that's including all those crepes in Paris.

Quote of the Day: Clive James

"Fiction is life with the dull bits left out."

I will be brief today for that very reason. I just wanted to touch on one thing I forgot to yesterday.

Our accommodations in Paris were "interesting." There are several Tim Hotels in Paris. One is a three star hotel located in Montparnasse (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Montparnasse) and one is a two-star located in Pigalle (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pigalle). I was quoted on the Montparnasse hotel which seemed like a good choice because it was right by a lot of sites we wanted to see.

Now based on the pictures, which one do you think we ended up actually being booked at? That's right, the one in Pigalle. In fact, you can see the very edge of our hotel touching the left side of the Sexodrome in that picture. On the other side, was a sex shop. We were in the famous red light district of Paris. You know, the one with the Moulin Rouge? It was pretty much like the worst parts of Aurora Avenue in Seattle condensed down into ten blocks. It was a very dangerous district to be using the pay phone in the middle of the night in, at least according to the woman at Western Union who gave us our money.

I can say a few positive things about our hotel. Our room may have been too small to open two suitcases at the same time but at least it was clean and when we complained about the two twin beds on our honeymoon they fixed the problem by zipping the beds together. They even had a free continental breakfast that consisted of croissants and warm milk and a rude French women and her son making fun of us for eating like the hungry Americans we were.


PS
I really did like Paris. In fact, I liked it so much we missed our flight out we were having such a good time. Or maybe it was because NW Airlines has a lot to learn about customer service. In all seriousness, I can't wait to go back.

Quote of the Day: Ernest Hemingway

“Everything is on such a clear financial basis in France. It is the simplest country to live in. No one makes things complicated by becoming your friend for any obscure reason. If you want people to like you, you have only to spend a little money.”

We learned the hard way just how forbidding and cold France can be when you have no money by spending our first twenty-four hours there without a Euro to our name. It wasn't that we had no money, it was just that it was all tied up safely in Bank of America with the operative word in that sentence being America. I just assumed we'd be able to get cash out of an ATM with our Discover Cards like we'd been doing in London.

I began to suspect that my plan was flawed when the ATM inside the chunnel station on the English side said it couldn't read my Discover Card or my ATM card. I tried to ignore the nagging feeling of anxiety on the ride over but that didn't make the problem go away in Paris. We didn't panic at first when the ATM's all said the same thing because we still had my Mastercard that I never used (Stacey's ATM card had accidentally been left at home during the wedding confusion.). I had to call Citibank because I couldn't remember my pin and they told me all they could do was send me to the automated system that told me I would receive my pin in the mail in 7-10 days, which by the way, I am still waiting for. As soon as we knew we were screwed, we cashed in all the British Pounds we had for 27 Euros which turned out just to be enough to pay the cab fare to our already paid for hotel. Thank you, completely honest cabbies, for not taking advantage of us.

That night, after having an old Cliff bar for my official first meal in France, I called Bank of America and was told to just go to a PNB ATM which I did several times the next day only to discover that old familiar message telling me my transaction could not be processed (also the title of my autobiography). We hungrily walked for five hours straight trying to get cash to no avail. When I got home I would later learn that BOA had left several messages on my cell phone telling me my card would be suspended on suspicion of fraud until I called them. (I guess I have a limit that I can only try to pull out 300 dollars at a time, that's dollars not Euros.) Too bad my cell phone was turned off the whole time.

Finally, we broke down and called Stacey's parents so I could tell them that after five days of marriage I was not longer able to support their daughter. Luckily, they were more than happy to wire us what we needed. So after three trips to Western Union because of various snafus, we were well on our way in Paris to be snubbed by for not speaking French instead of for being bums. (I am withholding one vital fact for dramatic effect. We did get my card to work at a little store sometime in the early evening where we bought such American comfort food as sandwiches, Diet Coke, an Oreos.)

So that is the story of how we arrived in Paris Friday night with no money and went to bed Saturday night with enough Euros in our pockets to eat our way out of Paris.


Epilogue

The first two things I did when I got home was send a check to my in-laws and open an account at BECU.

Quote of the Day: Samuel Johnson

"When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life."

(Editors note: I didn't have much time to proofread this so please forgive me for any imperfections.)


London was the first city we stopped at on our honeymoon. We mostly just saw the historical sites that one is supposed to see over there like Buckingham Palace, The London Tower, and Westminster Abbey just to name a few which I understand some people call the geek tour.


To make it even geekier, We accidentally found the writer Samuel Johnson's house which turned out to be a pleasant surprise. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:GoughSquare-No.17.jpg. Unfortunately, spending time in this room http://www.drjohnsonshouse.org/picture.htm did not make me a great writer like the good doctor; although on the plus side, it also didn't make me any more OCD or depressive than I already am.


We also spent one day in Stratford-Upon-Avon which is a nice quiet little English village that happens to house Shakespeare's birthplace. http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Shakespeare
As I wandered the town, I pondered one very important question: How tired do you think schoolchildren get of hearing about Shakespeare? I bet it sucks to have your parents always comparing you to him.


Overall, England was very nice. I really enjoyed seeing my old friend Heath as well who bought us an English breakfast for a wedding present.


There was one little incident I should make mention of for your edification. Maybe you can learn from something from the time I almost kicked off a city bus for reasons that still remain unknown to me. Although, I guess I must admit that my smart mouth had a little something to do with it towards the end.

We had been riding the bus all day so I was pretty certain I'd gotten the hang of it by my fifth ride so imagine my surprise when the bus driver started yelling at me right after I flashed my pass. "What is your problem, my friend?"
"What?" I asked very politely because I was very concerned about being perceived as your stereotypical ugly American.
"What is your problem?" he said again with a sigh of exasperation before he proceeded to glare at me like he was trying to bore a hole through my head with his eyes.
"What is your problem, my friend?" I said back because I didn't care how I looked anymore. I was mad enough to bite my thumb at him (Yes, that is a Shakespeare reference.) because one thing that really sets me off is people yelling at me. My mom can testify to all the times I yelled at authority figures back in high school. Turns out in a lot of ways I am still an angsty sixteen- year-old boy at heart.
"I need to see your pass."
"Is this good enough?" I said and stuck my pass up to the glass partition protecting the bus driver.
"You tell me?"
"Seriously, dude, what is your problem?"
"Go sit down."
I just stood there and glared at him because nobody was going to tell me what to do until Stacey came back and told me to sit down thus thoroughly disproving that theorem.

Afterwards, we figured we were safe after we decided from then on to always travel with our passports in case I got us into trouble for mouthing off in a foreign country which Stacey was determined not to let me do anyway.

So guess who we saw the next night on the very same bus? My nemesis and I pretended not to recognize each other and I was lucky this time because he only drove a couple blocks until it was time to switch drivers at which point he proceeded to become a passenger and kick an elderly Indian man off the bus. We don't really know why because we only turned around when we heard someone say, "Who the hell are you? I have a ticket?" The Bus Nazi, as we have affectionately named him, argued with the Indian man until he finally won by pointing to the door and saying, "Please exit," enough times that the man had no choice but to take his advice.

So it turns out the guy was just a jerk and had nothing personal against me or my Americanness which is actually kind of a blow to the old ego.

Quote of the Day: Andrew Marvell

"But at my back I always hear
Time's winged chariot hurrying near."

Did you miss me?

That's right, people, I am back and committed as ever to providing you with the superior blogging you've come to expect and demand. I have been really pressed for time over the past month which is why I chose that line from Andrew Marvell's poem *"To His Coy Mistress" as the quote of the day. The poems pretty funny because it's really just a fancy pick-up line. "Come back to my place, baby, before we're both dead."

So a lot has happened to me over the past month. I got married, went to Europe, ate lots of crepes, almost got kicked off a city bus in London, learned that the French are stereotyped as rude for the very same reason the English are stereotyped as poor cooks - because they are, bummed money from my in-laws after a week of marriage so I could eat something other than Cliff Bars in Paris, stayed next to the Sexodrome in Paris where I became an expert on the Red Light District - thanks to my stupid travel agent not knowing there are several TimHotels there, saw a drug-bust, went to a Pixies concert, realized that the differences between Weezer and myself are irreconcilable, got told that my religion makes me a good employee, won the Inside Sales Rep of the Year Award, bought a popcorn popper, traveled to Boston for work, realized I am in love with old churches and cemeteries, discovered that such a wondrous thing as Diet Sunkist exists, decided that I am lusting after a kindle, and just generally smashed my orderly routine.

I think that's enough for today. Don't worry, I plan on fleshing out the interesting parts of the above run-on sentence over the next week. So put the word out on the street that your humble correspondent is back.





*
TO HIS COY MISTRESS

Had we but world enough, and time,
This coyness, lady, were no crime.
We would sit down and think which way
To walk, and pass our long love's day;
Thou by the Indian Ganges' side
Shouldst rubies find; I by the tide
Of Humber would complain. I would
Love you ten years before the Flood;
And you should, if you please, refuse
Till the conversion of the Jews.
My vegetable love should grow
Vaster than empires, and more slow.
An hundred years should go to praise
Thine eyes, and on thy forehead gaze;
Two hundred to adore each breast,
But thirty thousand to the rest;
An age at least to every part,
And the last age should show your heart.
For, lady, you deserve this state,
Nor would I love at lower rate.

But at my back I always hear
Time's winged chariot hurrying near;
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of vast eternity.
Thy beauty shall no more be found,
Nor, in thy marble vault, shall sound
My echoing song; then worms shall try
That long preserv'd virginity,
And your quaint honour turn to dust,
And into ashes all my lust.
The grave's a fine and private place,
But none I think do there embrace.

Now therefore, while the youthful hue
Sits on thy skin like morning dew,
And while thy willing soul transpires
At every pore with instant fires,
Now let us sport us while we may;
And now, like am'rous birds of prey,
Rather at once our time devour,
Than languish in his slow-chapp'd power.
Let us roll all our strength, and all
Our sweetness, up into one ball;
And tear our pleasures with rough strife
Thorough the iron gates of life.
Thus, though we cannot make our sun
Stand still, yet we will make him run.

Quote of the Day: William Penn

"Time is what we want most, but what we use worst."


I swear if I had more time right now I would use it wisely to do important things like blog.

All right, folks, this is it. Next time I blog I will be married.

Later.

Quote of the Day: Gabriel Garcia Marquez

"Life is not what one lived, but rather what one remembers, and how it is remembered to tell the tale."


Ironically, I have nothing much to say today and it's not because not much is going on. Lot's of stuff is going on because I am getting married in three days (That's three American Days). I am just a little too excited to focus long enough to write much of a post.

I should repeat that I am excited but not nervous. It's funny, because everybody keeps asking me if I am, even complete strangers. I can honestly say that I'm not. I am antsy though to make sure the whole thing comes off without a hitch. I think we're all set after this week because Stacey finally met the one person who's approval I needed.

She finally met the women downstairs I buy a banana and Diet Mountain Dew* from every day and she got the stamp of approval. (As I type this, I realize I don't know her name which is pretty pathetic.) The next day my banana-dealer told me I better remember how lucky I am that somebody's marrying me and she told me we needed to get a joint bank account after we got married. I told her we would but she needed to understand that may affect how much money I spend every day at her store on Diet Mountain Dew. Some people may feel that $10 a day is excessive.

I hope you guys are preparing yourself to go a couple weeks without my wit and knowledge because tomorrow will be my last post for a couple weeks. I will be back by at least November 2nd.





*Diet Mountain Dew is awesome.

Quote of the Day: Alexander Pope

"A person who is too nice an observer of the business of the crowd, like one who is too curious in observing the labor of bees, will often be stung for his curiosity."


So I've been riding a bus with the same guy for over a year now and he's been reading the same book the whole time. This book fascinates me for several reasons. It's very thin but he's still not even halfway through it so either he is the world's slowest reader or that is no ordinary book. I noticed he would read a page a day and then close it so I began to suspect it was some kind of daily prayer book. My suspicions were confirmed when I saw him reading one of the Psalms out of it. The next day though I was less sure because I saw him reading the ancient Anglo-Saxon poem Beowulf from it. Now I am very confused and I fear that too much time has gone by for me not to look like a weirdo by asking him what he's reading.

Does anybody have any thoughts on what he's reading? I must know and I vow to travel to the ends of the earth to find out.

Quote of the Day: François Mauriac

"Men resemble great deserted palaces: the owner occupies only a few rooms and has closed-off wings where he never ventures."

I think corporate bathroom culture is one subject that too few scholars have studied over the years. I'm serious. Lots of stuff goes on in the bathroom that can affect your career in the corporate world. For me, it's one of the only places where I actually have personal interaction with the executives at my company that goes beyond banal corporate-speak. Maybe it has something to do with the democratizing effect that all of us having our flies open at the same time provides. I think most people feel the need to talk to help the whole bodily function thing overcome its inherent awkwardness.

To become a successful bathroom schmoozer I've had to overcome a serious personal handicap. I know absolutely nothing about sports which, sadly, is what many guys open conversations with. There is one guy who doesn't even try to talk to me any more because the first time we ran into each other I told him I was too busy reading a book when he asked me if I'd seen the previous night's game. Over time, I have learned to avoid sports conversations by presumptively starting one about a relevant business topic. (At least, I'm still cooler than Mr. OCD toothbrusher who manages to make us all feel guilty and disgusted at the same time.)

The pinnacle of my success came last week when I got invited to hang out with my Executive Vice President to talk about Europe. You see, he used to live there and I'm going there for the next two weeks so he offered to give me a few pointers. It all started because during a mid-urination conversation about my quota, I told him I was glad I just hit it because I was going to be gone the last half of the month. By the way, I should mention the guy kind of scares me so I haven't scheduled time with him yet but I think shall later this week.

So anyway, that's my cursory attempt at exploring bathroom subculture. Don't even get me started on elevators.

Quote of the Day: Michael Hammond

"One of the main problems in this world is that people think they have "right.""


Yesterday was pretty exciting because some guy threatened to beat me up. I'd like to say he got mad at me simply over an unwanted phone call I didn't even make but I am self-reflective enough to realize I escalated the situation by being a smart-aleck. (Shocking, I know.) He hit one of my pressure points so I pushed back because I was already have a stressful day. I've been making a living by calling strangers on the phone for almost ten years now and one of my pet peeves is when people think that the "Do Not Call List" means that no one they don't know will ever call them again. I have always worked in exempt industries and never been shy about pointing that out when people threaten to sue me or have me put in jail.

Here's how it went down. I was sitting at my desk innocently surfing the web when I got a phone call from a local number. I picked it up because no one else on my team got it.

"I'm calling the attorney general on you people." (Never a good way to start a phone call if you want someone's help.)
"What for?"
"You guys keep calling me for no reason."
"Do you owe company X money?" (One of our collections applications is having problems so this happens every once in while.)
"Yes, but I called X and they've never heard of you."
"Well, I know we are a vendor so that person was mistaken."
"This is a scam."
"We are more of a behind the scenes company so some customer service rep probably wouldn't know our name."
"I googled you and it's all over the Internet about how you're a scam."
"I can assure you we are a real company. We work with several Fortune 100 companies."
"Stop lying."
"Why don't I transfer you to the account manager?"
"No, can't you guys just stop calling me every day?"
"Yeah, just pay your bill."
"I don't have to. I'm calling the Better Business Bureau instead."
"What for?"
"For violating my rights. I am on the Do Not Call List."
"What rights? We are not covered under the Do Not Call List. The Do Not Call list does not mean no unwanted phone calls ever again." (Wouldn't life be grand if it did?)
"Well, you 're still violating my privacy."
I was mad at this point because he was yelling and I had other stuff to do like blog. "Maybe you're violating company X's rights by not paying your bill."
"I'm going to come down there and kick your a_ _. I know you're address."
"Great, make sure you ask for Collin."
He then hung up.
I am happy to report that the aforementioned body part is still here in one piece and looking good.


Yeah, I was kind of a jerk. I shouldn't have let him get to me like I did. I just couldn't stand that toxic combination of self-righteousness and entitlement. I mean, seriously. Here's a guy who owes somebody money who thinks no one should ever bother him about it because he has "rights." The thing with rights is that the only work it they come with responsibility. If he couldn't pay because of financial hardship he should have called them and worked something out. They can be pretty forgiving of small debts. I also think it is a sign of low class to yell at an innocent employee because you're mad at the company. It's right up there with being rude to waitstaff.

Quote of the Day: George Bernard Shaw

“The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.”

I say this with nothing but love in my heart for the IT people I call my friends, but it's hard for me to find bigger a collection of liars that I have to deal with on a regular basis than an IT department.


A typical conversation usually goes like this:

Me: Why doesn't my computer work?
IT Guy: It does. That's how it supposed to work. It's too hard to explain why it works like that so just trust me.
ME: You mean it's normal for your computer to crash every time you send an email?
IT Guy: Yes. I have to go. I'm busy. (This is the part where he goes back to playing World of Warcraft.)


Now that my computer is fixed, I'm too backed up with real work to blog so this will have to suffice until tomorrow.

Quote of the Day: How I Met Your Mother

"When you date someone it's like you're taking a class in them and when you break up it's like all that knowledge is useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree." I normally don't quote TV shows but this one was too good to pass up. It's true on so many levels. I know so many facts I don't care about any more about girls I used to like that I could practically write a book or offer a course to their current boyfriends or boyfriend hopefuls. Sometimes being a details guy can be a curse. Luckily, I can can combine my useless knowledge with my useless degree and use them both to write a novel so stay tuned for my second novel. (I guess I should start trying to send out my first one for publication. I do have to admit there is something romantic about going the hidden genius route of Emily Dickinson.)

Speaking of old loves, I kindled a relationship with an old flame this week. I agreed to see Ernest Hemingway for one book, and one book only, and it went quite well. I decided I should read his memoir of living in Paris A Moveable Feast since I'll be there soon and found that I really enjoyed it. Like most people who consider themselves literary types I used to love Hemingway but then I got too cool for him. I may need to re-evaluate my estimation of him just like I think the rest of the critical world does. I suspect he was right when he told his fourth wife and fellow writer during a quarrel, "They'll be reading my stuff long after the worms have finished with you." I never said he was a nice guy.

My boss is gone this week in Hawaii and some people on my team just can't handle it. Two people spent a full hour this morning staring out the window at the big ships in the ocean. This last week has fully convinced me that man is a hierarchical creature by nature.

Quote of the Day: William Faulkner

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." -Hamlet


I have a confession that may shock and horrify you. I am psychic. I've actually thought this for a while but this is the first time I am brave enough to publicly admit it. My power is predicting what song I will hear on the radio that day. For instance, last week I woke up with Vern Gosdin's "This Ain't My First Rodeo" in my head and I heard it that day in my car. Bear in mind this is an old one I hadn't heard in forever. Yesterday, it happened with the Pearl jam song "Come Back." I woke up with it in my head and guess what song Pandora served up for me during my morning commute? Stuff like this with songs happens all the time and, I as I have demonstrated, it is not confined to one genre. Now I just need to figure out a way to make money off my awe-inspiring mental powers. Perhaps, a freak show of some kind is in order.

I just learned I have a reputation at work for being blunt and honest. I am a "real straight shooter." At least that's what the HR women who contacted me today for a secret meeting told me. Maybe now I will get the respect I deserve. Maybe when I ask the office coordinator if they can start buying Diet Mountain Dew along with every other kind of soda known to man that they buy for the employee, she won't laugh and say, "Not a chance in hell."

Quote of the Day: Robert Herrick

To the Right Honourable Mildmay, Earl of Westmoreland

Come, sons of summer, by whose toil
We are the lords of wine and oil;
By whose tough labours, and rough hands,
We rip up first, then reap our lands.
Crown'd with the ears of corn, now come,
And to the pipe sing Harvest Home.
Come forth, my lord, and see the cart
Dress'd up with all the country art.
See, here a malkin, there a sheet,
As spotless pure, as it is sweet;
The horses, mares, and frisking fillies,
(Clad, all, in linen, white as lilies.)
The harvest swains and wenches bound
For joy, to see the Hock-cart crown'd.
About the cart, hear, how the rout
Of rural younglings raise the shout;
Pressing before, some coming after,
Those with a shout, and these with laughter.
Some bless the cart; some kisses the sheaves;
Some prank them up with oaken leaves;
Some cross the fill-horse; some with great
Devotion, stroke the home-borne wheat;
While other rustics, less attent
To prayers than to merriment,
Run after with their breeches rent.
Well, on, brave boys, to your lord's hearth,
Glitt'ring with fire, where, for your mirth,
Ye shall see first the large and chief
Foundation of your feast, fat beef,
With upper stories, mutton, veal,
And bacon, (which makes full the meal)
With sev'ral dishes standing by,
As here a custard, there a pie,
And here all tempting frumenty.
And for to make the merry cheer,
If smirking wine be wanting here,
There's that which drowns all care, stout beer,
Which freely drink to your lord's health,
Then to the plough, (the common-wealth)
Next to your flails, your fanes, your fats;
Then to the maids with wheaten hats;
To the rough sickle and crook'd scythe,
Drink frolic boys, till all be blythe.
Feed and grow fat; and as ye eat,
Be mindful, that the lab'ring neat
(As you) may have their fill of meat
And know, besides, ye must revoke
The patient ox unto the yoke,
And all go back unto the plough
And harrow, (though they're hang'd up now.)
And, you must know, your lord's word's true,
Feed him ye must, whose food fills you.
And that this pleasure is like rain,
Not sent ye for to drown your pain,
But for to make it spring again.


No one else may like this poem but I do so I posted it anyway. I found it on one of my favorite literary blogs A Commonplace blog. http://dgmyers.blogspot.com/

It's been a good fall so far. I'm getting married and I have the new Built to Spill album in my iPhone. Even my attempt at climbing a rock wall yesterday didn't make me feel as ashamed and awkward as the ropes in gym class used to make me feel.

I saw the movie Bright Star this weekend and enjoyed it even if it was a "chick flick." It was about the poet John Keats so it must be good for my writing to watch it, right? At least that's what I tell myself to save some semblance of my masculinity. I'm not sure what's wrong with me but I keep suggesting chick flicks. Don't worry I only pick the critically acclaimed ones. I find a high score on Rotten Tomatoes makes me feel less guilty and more manly about the whole thing.

Quote of the Day: George Bernard Shaw

“Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn.”

I am not scorning you, I just have nothing to say.

Quote of the Day: Ernest Hemingway

“You expected to be sad in the fall. Part of you dies each year when the leaves fell from the trees and their branches were bare against the wind and the cold, wintry light. But you knew there would always be the spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen. When the cold rains kept on and killed the spring, it was as though a young person had died for no reason.”

I actually enjoy fall quite a bit and I like to think it's not all because it marks the start of a new TV season.


Ever since I got engaged I've been paying close attention to what married people say about their spouses. Mostly, so I can learn how not to do it. Recently, I've come to the conclusion that my co-worker is having marriage problems. He told me a story about his wife getting so mad at him that she did something unspeakable. It was traumatic just hearing about it. I'm not even sure what he did but it must have been something very bad to make his wife smash his Pop- Tart. Frankly, I'm surprised they're still married. I'll tell you one thing, if somebody ever smashes one of my Pop-Tarts and it's the Smores kind there will be trouble.


I think I got taken for a ride by the lady downstairs that I buy my daily banana from. All week, she's been pimping this low-cal taffy candy every time I see her. She's even said something about them as I was innocently walking by. She kept telling me they were really good and that I needed to try one. She was very insistent about my life not being complete until I had one. Today, I finally broke down and bought one. You know what she told me after I told her it better be good? She said, "I don't know. I've never had one."

Quote of the Day: Soren Kierkegaard

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”



I must be in a very contemplative mood today because I witnessed a phenomon I've seen hundreds of times that made me start wondering just why people commit heinous crimes in large groups they wouldn't think of committing by themselves.

Consider a riot. Do people start rampaging because everyone else is doing it or do they just use the pretext of being part of the herd to act on the evil impulses that have been in their heart all along? Do people do things to belong or do they do things because they finally have permission to do what they've wanted to all along? I have no idea but it's an interesting question. I lean towards the permission theory but maybe I just have a dark view of human nature.

By the way, the act I witnessed today was jaywalking. Everybody was standing patiently at the crosswalk until I started jaywalking at which point everyone followed me across the street. Yeah, I know it's dangerous but Nietzsche would have been proud of me for being the superman of the financial district.

I sure hope herd behavior explains why so many people are defending Roman Polanski because anything else would be disturbing. http://www.seattlepi.com/tvguide/410658_tvgif30.html I mean I know why Woody Allen is defending him but what about everybody else? You know it's entirely possible to be a great artist and a horrible human being and let's be honest the only movie of his that can really be called "great" is Chinatown.

Quote of the Day: Werner Herzog

"I have never been one of those who cares about happiness. Happiness is a strange notion. I am just not made for it. It has never been a goal of mine; I do not think in those terms." I guess this is the kind of quote we can expect from a man who ate an actual hat in public.


Today, I learned what Hell is. It's being stuck in an Irish pub while a soccer game is on. A couple times I thought we were going to have a full-on brawl because two groups of people were rooting very excitedly and loudly for two different colors of fabric. I wasn't too worried for my own safety because there were real battle axes nailed the wall I was sitting next to. Believe me, I was loaded for bar if it ever came to that.



Here's another email exchange in our continuing series "Crazy Stuff Collin Says to Prospects:"

Me:
This part is a standard business email so I am redaction in the interest of not being boring.) When can we talk?

Prospect:
Dear Collin:
Unfortunately we do not presently need any assistance in that area. All the best

Collin:
All right. Thanks for getting back to me.

I understand you can’t use us right now but I think you should still keep my information anyway. You know the Steely Dan song “Rikki, Don’t Lose That Number?” I think that song may be applicable to you when the outbound dialing project that Customer Service is looking at comes to fruition. I have attached a few documents.

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions.

Thanks,
Collin

In other good news, my insurance company finally agreed to waive their fat people fee so I don't have to pay for $600 for my own blood test. All it took was our benefits company strong-arming the doctor's billing women until she agreed to resubmit my paperwork with the right diagnosis code. She is very unhappy with me but I don't care because $600 can buy a lot of friends, ones that aren't so scared to admit when they're wrong.

Quote of the Day: Calvin Coolidge

"Never go out to meet trouble. If you will just sit still, nine cases out of ten someone will intercept it before it reaches you." For good or ill, Silent Cal was not our most energetic president.


I've started going to a new barbershop because it is close to my work. I think I shall continue going there because I'm sure in a couple weeks my hair will grow back and I will no longer look like the Marine's newest recruit.

It is located right on the edge of Pioneer Square so it's an interesting place. The manager is cool except for all the anal rules he has like, "No drinking or shooting up in the barbershop." "No passing out." I heard two interesting conversations there today.

Dirty Homeless Guy: "Got any magazines?"
Manager: "Sure. How about a Maxim?"
Homeless Guy: "Yeah. You know why? Because I love naked women."
Manager: "Don't we all?"


Later, a very confused and very large strung-out crackhead came in. He sat down in a chair without anyone telling him to and said, "I need a haircut.'
"Can you wait until after lunch?"
"Sure."
"You want to make an appointment?"
"I guess."
"I need your name."
"George," he said after several seconds because it was a very hard question.
"Come back at 5."
"Okay."
"See you then, George."
He then got up in the barber's face and said, "Hey, how'd you know my name?"
"You just told it to me."
"S---. I didn't tell you nothing."
"Seriously, you did. See you later."
He thought about for a long time and said, "Cool."
After he left, the barber said, "I have my doubts."
I said, "Yeah, you may want to write that one in pencil."
"That's why I always make the crazies take the five o'clock slot so I can go home early if they don't show up."

I guess I'll know what it means if I ever get the 5PM slot.

Quote of the Day: Jean Baudrillard

“Perhaps the world's second worst crime is boredom. The first is being a bore.”





My week was certainly not boring with a Pearl Jam concert, a gang of toughs surrounding my car while demanding money, and being the victim of a hit and run.



Some kids almost mugged me a few days ago up in Mountlake Terrace. It was right out in front of the house Stacey is currently staying at which scares me a little bit. When I walked out the house and saw a group of shapes lurking in the dark I knew I might be in trouble so I speedwalked to my car, locked the doors, and turned the music way up. I put the keys in the ignition as fast as I could but it wasn't fast enough because a gang of five or six kids in baggy pants surrounded the car before I could put it in the drive. One started knocking at my window and mouthing something but I pretended not to hear him which was why I'd turned my music up in the first place. Finally, he knocked so hard I had no choice but to acknowledge him. He said he wanted change, and then he wanted "whatever you have." These kids were the thuggish type so I had no doubt they were serious. I told them to go away but he kept knocking so I did what I had to do. I revved my engine and and stared straight ahead to let them know I meant business too. They finally grudgingly let me pass after I bluffed them enough to make them think I was hardcore enough to run them all over.


They hit and run was not half as traumatic but much more infuriating. I was in the turn lane when some dude side-wiped me and and kept going. Now my car looks so white-trash I feel obligated to get it fixed.


I am heading to Ephrata tomorrow for the weekend and with the way things are going I just hope I make it in one piece.

Quote of the Day: Mark Twain

“It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.”


One of the most awkward experiences in corporate America is being stuck in a confined space with one of the higher-ups. (I define higher-up as someone you rarely interact with; but who, nonetheless, has an inordinate amount of influence over your personal livelihood.) These moments are tough but they get even tougher sometimes when we try to dispel the silence we distrust so much with pointless words. Humor seems to be the most common arrow we attempt to slay this particular beast with. Please enjoy these examples from my week.


My very liberal co-worker was riding the elevator with our very outspokenly conservative VP, when he said, "Good morning, comrade."
"Hey, I'm not a communist. We don't need this socialist crap here."
"Okay. Just a joke."
"Well, I'm not a communist."

Most of my team was riding the elevator with the COO when my boss decided it would be funny to say, "Get Him, boys," behind his back.
When the only response he got was a blank stare, he said, "Boy, that was a lot funnier in my head."
"I imagine," he said on his way out as he gave my boss a punch to the gut that couldn't exactly be called "playful."

I do know one sales rep. who seems to have mastered the art of breaking the tension with a well placed quip. When this employee and one of his VP's both walked into the bathroom at the same time and headed for the same wall of urinals, he took the shorter one since his boss is about a foot taller and said, "You notice how I let you have the taller one? I want it marked down to my credit that I showed you the proper deference that you are due as my leader." He laughed and there was much rejoicing. Can you guess that employee's name?

Quote of the Day: Edgar Watson Howe

“When people hear good music, it makes them homesick for something they never had, and never will have.”



Today, I am feeling a little nostalgic for my childhood because last night I went to the Key Arena to hear Pearl Jam which is the very same place I first heard them live twelve years ago when I was a senior in high school. There are so many things I remember about my first unsupervised to Seattle and so many things I can't share with you because of those pesky statutes of limitations.


I am in concert-recovery mode today and I have to go back to the doctor's office that called me fat so posting will be light again today.

Quote of the Day: Friedrich Nietzsche

“Without music, life would be an error.”


I am too excited about going to Pearl Jam tonight to post anything thought-provoking so deal with it.

Quote of the Day: Mark Twain

“When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear.”


I have some things I could be angry about today if I chose to. One, apparently my "great" insurance company will not pay for your yearly physical if you are fat. Good to know obesity is such an excluded condition that they won't even pay for a simple blood test.

Also, my co-worker got 50% off his lunch at a Mexican restaurant because he is Hispanic. Meanwhile, I had to pay $15 for a cup of shrimp. Come on, he doesn't even speak Spanish.

It looks a fat white guy just can't get a break today.



I am not sure how to feel about the conversation I just had with the maintenance guy I found installing a new ceiling panel in the bathroom. I felt awkward using the bathroom while some guy hovered above me so I tried to break the tension with a joke.

I said, "Replacing the camera, huh?"
His reply, "Boy, don't I wish."

Quote of the Day: Samuel Johnson

“Boswell, with some of his troublesome kindness, has informed this family, and reminded me that the eighteenth of September is my birthday. The return of my birthday, if I remember it, fills me with thoughts which it seems to be the general care of humanity to escape. I can now look back upon threescore and four years, in which little has been done, and little has been enjoyed, a life diversified by misery, spent part in the sluggishness of penury, and part under the violence of pain, in gloomy discontent, or importunate distress. But perhaps I am better than I should have been, if I had been less afflicted. With this I will try to be content.”


I'm posting this in honor of Samuel Johnson's 300th birthday and my day.



Remember my drug-dealing neighbor? Well, I'm starting to get a little concerned. Last night while we were talking in the living room with the door cracked open a millimeter or two because we were on our way out, I was was surprised by a knock at the door. I was surprised because I wasn't expecting anyone, and it was a little late for a drop-in visit. (I'm not even sure anyone knows where I live anyway.) It turned out to be my neighbor just being neighborly by making sure we hadn't fallen asleep with the door open.

Quote of the Day: Albert Camus

“Autumn is a second spring where every leaf is a flower.”


I wholeheartedly endorse this message.


Today, somebody printed out an application for the reality show "Big Brother" on our team printer but nobody will own up to it. I have my suspicions. I can certainly think of a few mal-adjusted drama loving individuals who would fit in on that show.

Quote of the Day: William Shakespeare

"To fear the worst oft cures the worse." Wow, that sounds very OCD.


I think I am a pretty tolerant person but there are a few things I will not tolerate.

1. Wearing your skin-tight biking outfit in the office when it's 11:30AM and you've already been there for three hours. Especially, if you are a close-talker.

2. Giving me parking Tickets. I find them immoral since they are simply about driving revenue and not protecting the public. That kind of thing just encourages cynicism about the proper role and duty of the citizen towards his government. Zone 5 parking permit, I am onto you.

3. Leaving your garbage outside your apartment for days on end. I will tolerate your drug-dealing ways but not your defilement of common living space.

4. Transferring me to the vendor line without warning if you are a receptionist. It's lying if you says, "Here's Mr. X," and then transfer me somewhere else.



There, I feel better.

Quote of the Day: Flannery O'Connor

“There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.” I see the sequel to The DaVinci Code is out today.

Have you ever noticed that putting the word "please" in an email request gives the whole thing a very passive-aggressive flavor? I don't think I will use it any more. Manners are so twentieth century.




Speaking of email, here's a fun exchange I had last week.

So I sent this guy an email last week because marketing said he was a decision maker. Bearing in mind this guy has never responded to me before, I introduced myself and told him I hoped I wasn't bothering him but that I thought discussing how our automated customer communication solution might be able to help reduce cost and drive better customer results would still be a worthwhile way to spend a half an hour.

Here's is what I got back:
"Actually, I am VERY BOTHERED by all your emails. I have NOTING TO DO WITH IT. Remove me from your list and I will be a much happier individual. Thank you."

Here's my response:
"I will take you off the list then. I am honored that I have so much control over your happiness and don’t want to abuse that trust."


I do love my job sometimes.

Quote of the Day: Friedrich Nietzsche

“He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” ( I will never remember how to spell that guy's name without looking it up.)


This weekend was an unusually busy one for me. In a short 48-hour period I acquired a nemesis, engaged him in combat, was almost defeated by him, and finally came from behind to vanquish my enemy.

All weekend, there was some kind of strange bug hovering in my room and occasionally dive-bombing my head. I'm not sure what his problem was but this usually happened while I was writing at my desk so I guess the possibility exists that he was just a rather aggressive literary critic. I allowed this abuse to happen multiple times because he would hide somewhere secret in the house in between ambushes. I'm really not sure what kind of bug it was. It looked kind of like a mix between a wasp and a box-elder bug. I only know I felt threatened by his presence because he liked to point his backside at me while making strange noises which I believe is some kind of universal battle sign. Much like the Scots mooning people in the movie Braveheart.

So after living my life in fear, things finally came to a head on Sunday. So guess who I saw perched on the toilet only a few precious inches away while I was taking care of business? I didn't know what to do because I was worried that any sudden movements could escalate the situation into a very dangerous one very quickly. I was also limited because I could only use one hand.

So I developed a cunning plan that I executed flawlessly. I maintained eye contact while I slowly grabbed the nearest weapon and obliterated him with it after he flew to the edge of the garbage can so he could stare at me better. What was the weapon, you ask? A can of shaving cream. Oh yeah, I buried the sucker in the stuff. I didn't go back and dig through the garbage for the body or anything but I am pretty sure he is dead after being buried underneath half a can of Gillette. I was a little worried about it at first but I no longer am not after coming home last night and not finding the word "Redrum" written on the walls in shaving cream.

Long live the conqueror.

Quote of the Day: Albert Camus

“Life is a sum of all your choices.”


Last weekend, I faced a very difficult question that didn't seemed to have a single decent answer. I burned up a lot of brain power thinking about it and even now I'm still not sure I made the right choice even after agonizing like Hamlet.

Of course, I am talking about the purchase of my new pillow. I've never quite figured out why but shopping can be an overwhelming sensory experience when it involves something outside my narrow range of expertise because I think too much about it if I don't know exactly what I am looking for. Maybe it has something to do with primitive gender roles and hunting and gathering or maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have a "Thinker" personality according to most sales psychology questionnaires. Who knows? What I do know is that my range of expertise can be defined as anything you can find at Barnes & Noble. Everything else I am pretty much clueless at. I'm sure I am going to have a nervous breakdown when I finally decide to buy a house.

So normally I buy the first product I find that adequately fits my target criteria and move on with life just to get the whole process over with. This works a good majority of time because most of the time a pair of socks is a pair of socks. This philosophy does lead to the occasional bad purchase though. I really thought a gallon of pickled herring was a good idea at the time.

However, this time I decided to study all my options carefully before pulling the trigger because I wasn't buying something frivolous like a car but something vital I would be having an intimate relationship with every night. I was fooled at first about how easy it was going to be because it only took me one pass down the aisle to select my top three based on price. (Down was automatically out because I desire firmness out of most things in life.) When I started narrowing them down even further I noticed that they were all for stomach-sleepers and I'm a side-sleeper most of the time. I had lots of questions. Why didn't my education prepare me for the fact that you had to buy pillows based on sleep-position? Why do I have to buy a pillow based on sleep position? What happens if I decided to change up my sleep style every once in a while just to be different? How come they were all different prices? What if I only thought I was a side-sleeper when I really wasn't? It was all so confusing that I thought about giving up and going back to my old pillow but my aching back wouldn't let me.

I won't tell you what strategies of divination I used to select the right pillow for fear of shocking impressionable readers but suffice it to say my pillow and I have been very happy the past week.

I am not quite ready to say that I learned that being a mindful consumer paid off because that would destroy my fragile world view and because I could roll over onto my back any one of these nights. The only lesson I can say I learned for sure was: "Never wander around Target without a responsible adult holding your hand."

Quote of the Day: Robert Benchley

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment."

Unfortunately, that was not true today so I actually had to do my real work today instead of blogging.

Quote of the Day: Nikolai Berdyaev

"There is a tragic clash between Truth and the world. Pure undistorted truth burns up the world."

The other day my boss whom I will call Rumpelstiltskin* called me on his day off and asked me who was in the office since tardiness has been a problem with a certain segment of the team for the past couple months. When I told him I was the only one, he told me to text him if nobody showed up by 8:30 and I agreed. (I hate to be a rat but a man's got to eat in this jobless recovery.)

So I let him know when the dreaded event transpired by texting, "I am still all alone."

The response I got back said, "Who is this and what are you talking about?" Turns out I had texted the wrong Rumpelstiltskin. Instead of my boss I had texted a former co-worker I hadn't talked to in over a year and a half.

After I told him who it was I had to reassure him that I was not having an existential crisis and was actually quite content with my life at the moment.

Well, I thought it was funny anyway.



Not his real name.*

Quote of the Day: Philip Larkin

“Always too eager for the future, we
Pick up bad habits of expectancy.
Something is always approaching; every day
Till then we say,

“Watching from a bluff the tiny, clear
Sparkling armada of promises draw near.
How slow they are! And how much time they waste,
Refusing to make haste!

“Yet still they leave us holding wretched stalks
Of disappointment, for, though nothing balks
Each big approach, leaning with brasswork prinked,
Each rope distinct,

“Flagged, and the figurehead with golden tits
Arching our way, it never anchors; it's
No sooner present than it turns to past.
Right to the last

“We think each one will heave to and unload
All good into our lives, all we are owed
For waiting so devoutly and so long.
But we are wrong:

“Only one ship is seeking us, a black-
Sailed unfamiliar, towing at her back
A huge and birdless silence. In her wake
No waters breed or break.”


I love this poem for so many reasons and I love the fact that loving Philip Larkin is fashionable once again.


I'm not sure why but lately I've been listening to a lot of Scottish bands. I believe I have five loaded on my iPhone right now. Sadly, not a one prominently features the bagpipes but The Twilight Sad does have a song called "That Summer At Home I Had Become The Invisible Boy" which is definitely in the running for coolest song title ever.


You ever waved at somebody because they were waving at you only to discover they were waving at someone behind you? It happened to me and it was pretty awkward but I made a perfect ten-point recovery by hanging my head when he walked by and muttering, "I swear I have friends somewhere else. My mom likes me."

Quote of the Day: Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky

"A self-respecting artist must not fold his hands on the pretext that he is not in the mood."


Here's a fun conversation I just overheard at work:

"I need a shot of Tequila every night when I get home from work."
"Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
"No, I've just been so sick lately. It's the only thing that keeps me going."
"Did you doctor tell you to do that?"
"Not exactly."


I got some good news today. It looks a certain weight loss company is interested in using my story for publicity\advertising purposes.

Quote of the Day: H. Rider Haggard

"As I grow older, I regret to say that a detestable habit of thinking seems to be getting a hold of me."


So I think my neighbor may be a drug dealer which means I've either watched too many cop shows or I'm a racist. Although, I guess both possibilities could be true. There are several clues that make me think he is a pharmaceutical entrepreneur. I see him at home at all hours of the day so there is no way he has a regular job (I work weird hours so that explains why I am at weird times. He has also been there on my days off. ), he wears nothing but velour track suits and wife-beaters, he has been high on several occasions, sometimes the balcony smells like marijuana, and he drives a very tricked-out late model Cadillac with windows tinted so dark they may be illegal. Oh yes, he is also of a race, age, gender, and demography that is stereotypically and sociologically likely to be involved in such crimes. That's why I feel bad for thinking it but I have seen too many episodes of "The Wire" not to think it. I know how the world works. I guess I could just mind my own business but he keeps telling me we need to hang out so that may not be an option soon. Maybe we can go clubbing. He seems like a nice enough guy. At the very least, I'll get a good story out of it.




I also think I am going to get Mercury poisoning from all the fish I eat; but oh well, I figure the other health benefits are worth the risk. Maybe it will turn me into a super-hero or something.

Quote of the Day: Anatole France

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."

Here's a fun one for you:

About a month ago, my co-worker came into work all excited because he just found out his extended family was having a reunion down in Texas over labor day weekend. He couldn't wait because, "You know those Mexicans know how to party." He was even more excited when he found really cheap airfare.

So anyway, we didn't think anything of it when he didn't show up to work yesterday because my boss said he was on PTO. We just assumed he was sick or something. However, all our illusions were put to rest this morning when he showed up to work and said, "Did you guys know Labor Day is next weekend?" Turns out, he got the wrong weekend and now "my family is mad at me and thinks I'm an idiot." I guess that explains the cheap airfare. His excuse is the best part, "I'm a busy person. I can't be bothered to know all this stuff."

On a more personal, triumphant note: I have now officially gathered all my wedding addresses together like a hen gathers her chicks and if rumor is to be believed they are being printed as we speak.

Quote of the Day: Marcel Proust

"There are perhaps no days of our childhood we lived so fully as those we spent with a favorite book."

Maybe you should read a book today because I am too busy to post anything interesting.

Quote of the Day: Nathantiel Hawthorne

“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” Personally, I don't much like bugs crawling on me but I guess a butterfly on your shoulder is better than a spider in your hair like I had yesterday. (Don't ask, it's a long story.)


Well, the bus did it again today. It dropped me off in a strange part of city for no discernible reason. Luckily, I made it back to my office using my trusty iPhone before any Lord of the Flies type situations developed. Why can't they just tell us why and give us a little warning?

During my "Stranger in a Strange Land" period this morning, I came to an important conclusion about mass transit. This country will never accept it with the same enthusiasm our European cousins have no matter how many times we are told it's good for us because it makes us feel like peasants. It makes us feel like we are not the captains of our own destiny and Americans hate that type of thing. We'd rather be stuck in traffic in our own car because we paid for it with our own hard-earned money rather than zipping by in the bus lane. We are all important people who can't live with the uncertainty of being inconvenienced an extra two minutes on our daily commute. It's really a quality of life thing.